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This after affair life is just as bad as the pre affair life!

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wannarun posted 9/30/2013 02:19 AM

I can say I don't obsess, cry and worry over the A anymore! But there is no love, intimacy, caring, togetherness etc......just duties regrets, money problems etc.....nothing good ever happens the only times we talk or are alone together the conversation always ends up about troubles or mistakes that were made!! I feel so.....well truly I've just quit letting myself feel much of anything!! I used to get hopeful that things were getting better but hope has been crushed by the reality of how miserable our lives have been over the past 18 years so many times that I don't think my heart can pull it together anymore!! Life just really sucks and I tell myself things could be worse and I know that!! But all this nothingness just sucks a big one!!

Vulcanized posted 9/30/2013 05:02 AM

((((wanna)))

sisoon posted 9/30/2013 08:53 AM

What have you done to change yourselves and your M?

the only times we talk or are alone together the conversation always ends up about troubles or mistakes that were made

That says to me changing your (both of you) communications methods could help a lot. That's one of the things MC does well. Have you considered that?

Ostrich80 posted 9/30/2013 09:44 AM

there is no love,

Do you want to stay in the marriage?
I mean, do you want to try and see if you can get the love back?
I'm in a R that resembles this but I'm planning on D. If you want to try and save the M, maybe mc might help.

wannarun posted 9/30/2013 11:17 AM

I have suggested MC but the it always gets put off on the back burner because there is always something more important that needs to be paid for or done!! Sadly this is very similar to how I've always felt in our marriage!! I'm just losing all feelings for him, our marriage or any direction for the rest of my life!! Just treading water and I'm exhausted

Razor posted 9/30/2013 12:10 PM

I was living exactly the same life as you are for a very long time. And I am sorry you are in this dark place.

There is a way out. But it is not the dream life you could have once had. And I am sorry about that too.

The LTA happened in our lives. Our spouses cheated on us. The one that stood before friends family and god and swore to be faithful and trustworthy and all the rest of it. They chose to break their vows and destroy what could have been the path our life would follow.

That happened. Its a fact. There is no amount of crying hoping or wishing that will change that.

All that is left to us is to live with it. And while that seems impossibly hard you WILL find the strength to do it. The strength will come from the realization that we are in charge of our own life.

It is unwise to depend on our WS to heal us. It is unwise to depend on our WS to make us happy. Those tasks are ours alone.

If you find yourself before a locked door. One that had been open before but is now closed and forever locked. I suggest you turn and find another door to enter. Standing before that forever locked door wishing and hoping for it to open is long and painful and pointless. I know because I did just that for a very very long time.

Today. Find one thing that pleases YOU. Dont worry about pleasing your WH or anyone else. Find that one thing. Maybe for you it is gardening. Or visiting with a friend. Or taking a walk in the park by yourself. But find that thing. Then tomorrow expand on it.

Every day find a thing that pleases you. Find a thing of beauty and appreciate it.

Dont break your vows to your WS and dont cheat. But beyond that there are countless things in life that can enlarge your mind and experience. Take that path.

Start living your life. Do this whether or not your WS joins you in this journey. Its your life. Make your path and follow it.

cancuncrushed posted 9/30/2013 15:28 PM

i just finished a book about this very thing. It had alot of info, but it did discuss this. It mentioned, that BS move from fighting, punishing, belittling to what we think is forgiving. What we are really doing is existing behind walls we have buildt to protect ourselves Because of what happened and incase it happens again. It talked about how to FEEL after forgiving. Great book. Titled: When your lover is a liar by susan forward Another great book that portrays each stage of shock, grief, lies, and why you feel like this. Denial. etc. Very down to earth.

mindisgone posted 9/30/2013 16:08 PM

If you find yourself before a locked door. One that had been open before but is now closed and forever locked. I suggest you turn and find another door to enter. Standing before that forever locked door wishing and hoping for it to open is long and painful and pointless. I know because I did just that for a very very long time.

VERY powerful analogy Razor. And so very very true wannarun.

crazyblindsided posted 9/30/2013 16:57 PM

Awesome post Razor. What you said is what saved me from WH's infidelity.

There are many ways out, you just need to find them.

When I took the focus off of my WH and stopped expecting him to heal me, I became so much stronger. I love WH, even more so than pre-A, but he will never be my sole focus again.

I have been living life fully with friends and seeing plays and having get togethers. Live YOUR life! What do YOU want from life?

wannarun posted 9/30/2013 21:44 PM

I wish I knew what I wanted from life!! I really have no idea....until all this happened I had no clue that I was just existing, being someone's mother or his wife!! You get slammed with such a hard blow of reality and you crumble!! There was no foundation underneath me. The walls and boundaries sound about right. I just can't seem to feel anything right now and it's getting worse! I used to feel hopeful over good moments but those were followed by so many diss appointments that now nothing gets me excited anymore!! I don't even feel like I care about the affair anymore.....all I know now is the many harsh realities it exposed in my life are proving to be a mountain too big to climb......especially if you're not particularly interested in what may lie on the other side

Ostrich80 posted 9/30/2013 22:14 PM

Wannarun...I get what your saying, I've felt it and still do at times. I had a long discussion with myself. I finally gave up the dream, the vision of how I thought my life would be. I never knew I was so damn hard headed. I had to let go of it and try to salvage myself and really think about my future. I realized, he's not going to be the man he was before or the man I thought he was. Life is so short and before you know it, its half over. I think I was in lala land, just existing because I was raising kids, paying bills, and I didnt realize how far apart we grew, I don't know him anymore and he sure as hell doesn't know me. My stubborn pride wouldn't give up, biut now, I don't call it giving up, I callit choosing a different path. It's not what I thought it was going to be, but that doesn't mean it won't be a fulfilling one. I've never been so lonely as I have in the last 7 yrs so living without him surely can't be unbearable. Spend some time with yourself and really think about what you want. Good luck.

Dancetilldawn posted 10/1/2013 04:17 AM

I think SIers call it lethal flatness. Your alive and going with the flow of your family but your numb. I am in and out of this too! Early mornings are hard for me, I get a rush of things negative.In order to cope I have to tell myself that I am here for my kids. Fake it to make it for them until their 18. I can't share any feelings with my WS. He just flatlines on me and I get nothing. WS is a very broken person who is regretful. As long as I keep it together he manages just fine! Mentally draining for me.

When I am in a funk, I allow myself depression time. That time is spent in bed understanding why I feel this way! I talk things out with my IC every other week too. The rest of the time, I stay upbeat, find things to do. Walk the dog, gardening, read SI, easy stuff. The more time passes, the healthier and more aware I have become.

Some Questions for yourself:
Why am I putting up with this?
What can I do to shake off the numbness and make me feel good?
How do I get prospective on my situation today?

Be good to yourself!

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