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madworld posted 9/30/2013 05:02 AM

It's now a month after d-day for me, my WH told me about his affair but then 2 weeks later I found all their messages on his phone proving he was not only still in contact with her but planning a trip away with her for what was to be this weekend. I confronted him with this and he left. He has been living elsewhere since then.

After he cooled down he wanted to move back, I said no and gave him a list of my non-negotiables (end affair, no contact, individual and marriage counselling, nothing too startling) yesterday I met him to exchange some paperwork, he told me that this affair was actually his 4th, and while I was struggling at home doing everything and looking after our four kids including at the time 3 month old twins he was out, not working as I thought but dating women he was meeting at work-related networking events. He let slip to each of them fairly early on that he was married and they all refused to let things go past the dinners out (paid for with joint funds while i was struggling to cover household expenses??!!!!) this affair I guess he got better at living a double life and it continued for some months and became physical.

Firstly I have no idea if even this is the whole truth. It was volunteered, it seemed plausible, but then it's not like the truth has been something he's been well acquainted with for a while...

I feel kind of shell-shocked at yet again finding out things weren't what I thought they were, as in this affair wasn't what I thought it was but part of a sad, sick revolting larger picture, and it's not just the last few months of my life that make no sense but the entire last year...

I don't think I even feel angry, It feels like I've started right back at denial and disbelief... is that even possible?

We have marriage counselling in just over a week, until then I have no desire to talk to him unless it involves finances and kids. I feel almost totally shut down emotionally.

Any thoughts, I feel like I felt clear about dealing with one affair but this whole serial picking up women until he managed to pull off the affair he'd been looking for? I just don't even know what to do with that.

Take2 posted 9/30/2013 07:48 AM

My X left on Dday, but later admitted to A's throughout the marriage. And yes, it was hard to keep both in my head at the same time. When I was thinking about one - it was like I forgot about the other. I think it was too much to deal with at once. So yes I think denial for one set while coping with the other is totally possible. I was numb.

One of my biggest demands had been total honesty. So I should also add that in my case, his admission was neither accurate, or complete.
He was still lying and withholding. But having thrown out something I didn't know about, he then expected me to allow him to return home immediately. He had met my major demand you see (and apparently had no friggin concept or concern that I was going to have some difficulty absorbing it.)

You take your time. Don't be pushed into anything. Letting you think he was working is another major issue I would think, that and spending money when you didn't have it. Another realm of lies and deceit above and beyond cheating.

Don't be pushed or rushed into anything. It will take sometime to grasp the nuances and the magnitude of all of this. While you get there - he'll show you with his actions just how remorseful he is or isn't.

trynhard posted 9/30/2013 08:08 AM

madworld

I view your behavior as most quality. Good for you.

He came forth on his own with info.. that is progress.. “Hey I know my evil, I lay it out for you..” the first step in paying his paying penance so to speak.

I think it is healthy to continue to see what he does and how he behaves. Your risk.. if you want to call it a risk.. He will disqualify himself and never feel he is worthy.. so he moves on. A weak man will do this and we already know he is not a man of strength and only to continue his own bad behaviors. Let him. A strong man will fight for what he truly wants.

Your man real identity is now exposed. He might be able to change. A given in life.. things change.

He must now continue to prove his worthiness to you.. that is my thoughts.

And You.. after my being years out away from this stuff… At times, I can still hurt. Can you live with this hurt? To replace him might give you more happiness and far less hurt. A question only you can answer. There will be a time where you must drop the past and focus only on today and the future should you stay with him. Not so easy to do. I cannot help you determine that time.. only when he proves his worthiness to you.. which is what you seem to be describing.

I wish you peace.