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Does reading here make you project?

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WhatsRight posted 9/30/2013 06:21 AM

It does me.

I am really so very confused. I waver from thinking: "he was messed up for a while. He looked at porn and talked to strangers on the internet. He had a ONS with a prostitute. It was 7 years ago. He is not doing it any more. (as far aas I can tell) He hasn't put much effort into healing for us - but he is weak. We are not happy but noone yells or calls names."

Then, after I read some of these posts, I find myself thinking: "Has this been going on all along? Did our marriage ever mean anything? Is he a NPD? Is he still doing it? Was the prostitute really a LTA? Do I trust anything he says?"

This infidelity shit is hard. I don't trust myself anymore - my gut. Even with my kids.

And reading here can make me so easily swayed. I read the initial post and think, "OK, that's not my situation." Then as I read the responses to the post, I start to worry.

I don't want to stop coming here - it has literally saved me.

How do you read here and not project your wayward husband / wife into every situation?

I have just come to doubt everything in my life.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 6:23 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 9/30/2013 06:24 AM

I have to be very careful that it doesn't... I read here and think, "hey I should still be mad about that too." or "wow, I'm so far behind everyone else." not sure this is good.

Sad in AZ posted 9/30/2013 06:46 AM

When your WS turns into an alien and you are grasping at straws trying to figure out where things went off the rails, it's normal to pick up things said by others and try to fit them into your situation. It's like having a vague ache and reading a medical book--you wind up having every disease in the book (at least I do )

After a while, if you're introspective like me or if you seek counseling, you start to put the pieces together and construct an understanding of what went wrong in your M and/or what's mentally wrong with your WS.

For a long time I was sure my X had an exit A. Now I realize he never wanted a D; he would have happily continued to have a wife AND a girlfriend. It's just as messed up, but it's better (for me) to understand the difference.

cl131716 posted 9/30/2013 07:12 AM

Yes! I definitely do this! I agree with SadinAz. I think you are just trying to make sense of it all.

PhantomLimb posted 9/30/2013 07:16 AM


What SI has helped me do is anticipate some of my own reactions and emotions as I heal. And it has helped me understand that my WS's crazy behavior during the DDays was fairly typical (sadly) in terms of his projection and defensiveness, etc. There's comfort in that. In a weird way, it helps me to de-personalize it.

But I'm careful not to conflate my experience with that of others. That's what my IC is for. He has helped me break down the relationship so I can see where the evidence was that he wasn't 100% healthy and I made a lot of assumptions about who he was for a number of reasons. It is helping me recognize both his patterns and my own so I don't repeat the same mistakes in the future.

And the best thing for me with SI is that it really helps you understand that you need to focus on yourself and what YOU can control. It's a hard concept to process, but coming back to SI over and over again is slowly helping me take this in.

OldCow18 posted 9/30/2013 07:55 AM

I find that when we have a good couple of days, like this past weekend, I avoid SI because it tends to get me fired up again. I know that will happen eventually regardless, and for that moment I am forever thankful for this site.

WhatsRight posted 9/30/2013 08:09 AM

Yes, I agree with you all. Especially the thing about aches and pains!

Also, I think some of my (disturbed) thinking is this: If he can do what he did - why wouldn't I believe he is capable of so much more?

If my WH is innocent (at this time), I can just imagine he thinks from day to day --- "I wonder what movie we will see, or what news story will come up - or what we will hear about someone we know - or what she will read on SI - that will get me the cold shoulder, or worse - an arguement."

Yes, I agree - before you even say it...he deserves some of that for the choice he made. But there has to be a point where I need to move on.

Let me just say - I'm not there yet!

cayc posted 9/30/2013 08:16 AM

Once you get through the initial trauma and move towards either R (hopefully real) or S/D, it's imperative that you do what SadinAZ suggests, figure out what the story was for your M and the A(s). You need to do this to keep you grounded when you read tons of stuff on SI (not that you still won't get those OMG gasping realizations when a new piece of the narrative puzzle falls into place, I don't think that shit ever ends) so SI isn't a trigger.

It also will help you with your healing because SI can become a place where you give, not just take. Giving as in relating to others who start threads with their pain. Giving to others is a key piece of healing from emotional trauma.

And like PhantomLimb mentions, it's helpful to look at yourself, why did you accepts certain things that now in hindsight were clearly red flags? That will help you direct your own personal healing independent of the route (R, S/D) that you chose.

You know your own truth. You know the details of your life. And you know you're not happy, and your digging around on SI to ... push you off the fence in some way maybe? To validate your feelings? Idk, you seem down and maybe that's what you should be thinking about, and not worrying about your WH or looking for clues re him.


sisoon posted 9/30/2013 08:42 AM

IDK...I can't help believing your concern about SI is due to your H's unwillingness to change his view of his A, your M, and the devastation caused by his A. You've made a decision to stay with him despite this, but it sounds like you're not fully comfortable with that decision.

I don't know what you want to hear, but what occurs to me is this: we all have to work out our own healing, and we all have to decide what outcomes we'll accept. The only person you need to satisfy about the outcome you choose is yourself.

I think you know a lot of us want something very different from what you're getting. I think you know a lot of us wish you were getting more than you're getting.

But you get to make your own decisions. Only you know your sitch, and for that reason, I respect your decisions.

If you question yourself, I think IC, with a god C, would help you resolve your issues.


WhatsRight posted 9/30/2013 21:43 PM

I think you know a lot of us want something very different from what you're getting. I think you know a lot of us wish you were getting more than you're getting.


I do understand this, and I do REALLY appreciate the kind wishes for me.

I also want more than I am getting - but not to the point of walking out on our marriage and family.

I don't mean to complain - and, yes, I am sure that my confusion is due to the fact that we have not healed the relationship from the infidelity. I don't really see it happening.

But I do appreciate being able to come here to vent and 'question' and bounce feelings off of all of you - even if others would choose differently.

I REALLY appreciate SI.

neverdidithink posted 10/1/2013 08:13 AM


H is doing everything he can to repair the damage he caused. He has really been fantastic in so many unexpected ways, yet I find myself looking for clues that the affair isn't over. Is there another email account? burn phone? There are things I never even though of that are now creeping in and out of my thoughts.

SI has saved me and probably our marriage, but I do have to be careful that I don't spend too much time in JFO because it can bring me back closer to the feelings of Dday than I want to be.

Jennifer99 posted 10/1/2013 11:42 AM

It does make me project.

I don't have anxiety about it anymore because I'm a lot less worried about what he is doing as long as I am working on making myself safe and happy.

TrustGone posted 10/1/2013 12:38 PM

It is hard to stay married to a WS that does not show remorse. Of course things on SI makes those of us in that situation project some things we read about onto our WS. SI however has made it possible for me to see things about my WH that I had never thought about before and it has shown me things to look for that I never thought about. My WH#2 is a rugsweeper and refuses to discuss the A, so therefore it is impossible for me to R with him. All I can do at this point is try to understand what I am facing and work on myself. He has to work on him. I can't fix what is broken that made him think that a LTA was a good idea. If he chooses to do it again then he will no longer have a place in my life or my home and he knows it.

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