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Pacman posted 9/30/2013 07:28 AM

I have been married to my wife for 9 years, together for 14 years. I found out on Friday that she has been sexting an old boyfriend that lives in a different state. She said it was just the one time that I happen to have caught, she is not telling me the truth which is a bigger concern. I know she has had many many long "conversations", texting and sending pictures. She said that this wasn't cheating but it is, her heart and the most intimate details were shared with another man, that's cheating. It also scares me to think what she has done that I haven't found out yet. Did she have physical sex with someone else, I'm too scared to ask. I hurt so deeply right now, I'm so humiliated that I can't talk to anyone about this. I had everything packed and was going to leave her, I just couldn't, I still love her. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, when we were out with the kids Sunday I couldn't stop feeling so angry at her at what she did, at what the effects will be on our daughters. I don't know where to go or what to do, I am devastated.

Take2 posted 9/30/2013 08:00 AM

Well you found where to go -- right here! And what to do...? Start reading: The healing library is a fount of information (upper left yellow box).

Sorry to say, it will get worse before it gets better - but it will get better! Meantime you must try to eat, and stay hydrated. Take vitamins! The infidelity diet will rip the weight off you and not in a healthy way.
Try to get out and walk if you can too.

It takes time to process betrayal, but you aren't alone. Welcome to SI. We know this corner of hell pretty well. Vent, ask questions, post concerns. We're listening.

mchercheur posted 9/30/2013 08:08 AM

Welcome to SI Pacman.
I am so sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us. We all know how you feel.
This site has been a lifesaver for me, I only wish I had found it sooner---you are lucky you found it so close to Dday. I have learned a lot of info here from people who are further down this road than I am, & it brings tremendous comfort to be able to talk to people who know exactly how you feel.
Keep reading, & come back often. We are here for you. Sending you strength.

frankier posted 9/30/2013 08:09 AM

Devasted, I am so sorry for your situation.

More experienced people will chime in, I am sure, but I can tell you that it is normal to feel the way you are feeling now. I experienced the same ups and downs. Eventually, this will level off.

I would suggest that you do not take any major decision (e.g., leaving, separation, etc) right now. While it seems that your wife does not fully understand the impact of her actions, it does not mean that she will not. It will take some time to unpack everything for both of you. However, you need to convey to your wife that delay in disclosing everything will jeopardize any recovery/reconciliation effort down the road. She needs to start owning this situation.

Please take care of yourself physically by eating, hydrate, work out.

Good luck.

forlornheart posted 9/30/2013 10:17 AM

Of course it's cheating. It's an emotional affair at least. She is sharing personal and intimate details with another man. I'm guessing she'd feel differently if it was the other way around. Have you talked to her about some counseling? It might make all the difference.

HereWeGo62 posted 9/30/2013 10:57 AM

I agree with what all of the other members have already said. I especially agree with the "take care of yourself" and don't rush to make any major decisions right now.

Until your WW opens up and tells you the truth true reconcilliation can not begin. It is common to only confess what has already been discovered, there is usually more.

Take care of your kids and yourself. Consider getting a legal consultation just so you have an idea of your rights.

There is also a betrayed men thread in the "I can relate" forums, it moves quickly but there are some great guys in there that are more than willing to help.

Bigger posted 9/30/2013 11:04 AM

Hey Pacman,

We hear it all the time: since it wasn’t physical then it isn’t cheating.
Well – it is.

There are all sorts of definitions for cheating but the one I find most appropriate defines cheating as any action you wouldn’t care to perform with your spouse’s knowledge. This does not necessarily imply your spouse has to know everything you do, but it does imply whatever you do (in secret) has to be of a nature that your spouse could accept it.

I would suggest the following: Make it very clear to your wife that you see her actions as a very serious breach in whatever covenant you two entered in your relationship. That you see it as a problem that she doesn’t see it that way and that for her it should be a problem if you see this as a problem and she doesn’t. Then you suggest that you two try to find some common ground.
I suggest you get your wife to read the book “Not Just Friends” by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. In fact you should read it together and commit to doing the exercises in the book. [This book is possibly the Bible of not-yet-physical infidelity]

If that doesn’t open up her eyes then I really don’t know what will.

Pacman posted 9/30/2013 11:15 AM

One thing that really bothers me is one of her "friends" knew about her relationship with him and encouraged her to have the affair. I don't like this man-hating woman, she has been a bad influence on her and will continue to suggest cheating and leaving me. I'm sure she has her reasons for hating men and trying to destroy marriages, but I don't want my wife involved in any sort of way with this hag.

LeopoldB posted 9/30/2013 11:56 AM


I wish I had discovered XWW's EA before it went PA. When I belatedly stumbled upon OM's communications with her (letters not texts), it was clear that they had incrementally ratcheted up each other's level of excitement in the course of writing and phone calls. At the start, my W clearly thought it was absurd that it could ever progress beyond a little naughty flirting (we lived hundreds of miles away). So she felt comfortable as they dared each other to share more and more of their fantasies. By the time they finally arranged to meet, they were both indoctrinated or brainwashed from the steady ramp-up in excitement of those early communications. So consummating the affair did not seem like such a big leap to them. After all, they had already "done it" so to speak, just not together in the same bed.

XWW also had an enabling friend at work. I found a note she had written to my W encouraging her to go for it.

If you still have time to derail this train wreck, I suggest you do whatever is necessary to save your marriage.

Landoes posted 9/30/2013 12:44 PM

Any sexual interaction with someone who's not your partner is cheating. Same goes for EA.

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