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Being civil

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Running the Race posted 9/30/2013 07:42 AM

This might be just a vent post, this situation is weighing on me. My exw bday is tomorrow. Since we have 3 kids, my plan is to send her a text in the morning. Just with a simple, "happy bday.".
I don't plan on buying her anything or having anything for her like a cake or cards.
That night is my weeknight to have the kids, so they will be with me. I've got to say, I really wish I didn't care that it's her bday, but I do and not in a good way.
I know she was big on trying to plan something big, so I think it's time for her to party this weekend.
I really hope her bday sucks. I hope it's a big let down. Last year we were trying to work things out, the kids and I decorated the living room with balloons, streamers, and a bday sign. She went out with her friends that night and treated the rest of us like she could care less, then last week she complains that the kids and I are bonding and she is growing apart from them.
I think at the age of 37, my EXWs priorities are work, post on Facebook, and party with her friends.
Bottom line, I hope her bday sucks, I wish I didn't care, but I hope it sucks.
But I'll be civil to her.

[This message edited by Running the Race at 7:44 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

nowiknow23 posted 9/30/2013 07:55 AM

((((Running))))

ninebark posted 9/30/2013 08:01 AM

I am very civil with my ex, but I don't wish him happy birthday. I leave that up to DS. I would rather say nothing than lie. lol

SBB posted 9/30/2013 08:06 AM

Don't send her any messages. Civil doesn't mean reaching out. You can be NC and civil.

My mantra (pronouns changed):
She is no longer my wife, no longer my love, no longer my best friend.
Repeat until it sticks.


One day you won't care. Until then Fake It Till You Make It.

Read and re-read about the 180 and No Contact.

It is hard at first but NC is essential. Kids/finances only and even then I will only interact if it is absolutely essential.

You simply cannot heal until you begin detaching.

With NC at first you do it almost against your will - everything in you is screaming to reach out and/or unleash hell on them. Sheer willpower got me through that first month. Anger through the next few. A year after S and my give a fuck is definitely broken.

Please, don't stay in this limbo hell too long. It is crazy making.

Pass posted 9/30/2013 08:32 AM

Don't do it. If partying with her friends is her priority, then she can be happy with birthday wishes from them. She fired you from the job of remembering special days together.

The sad news is that partying with her friends is exactly what she wants, so her birthday probably won't suck - this year.

When she is older, and is wondering why her kids don't give a shit about her: THAT is when she'll get the birthday she deserves! You, on the other hand, will probably have a hard time on your first birthday without her, but will always have the love and respect of your children.

Dreamboat posted 9/30/2013 08:38 AM

Do not send her a bday wish. Instead, help your kids either buy or make cards or presents to give to her. If the kids want to make her a cake, then let them (assuming that are not toddlers -- toddlers = no cake), but do not suggest it.

Take this opportunity to teach your kids to be nice family member/friend on someones birthday. But YOUR obligation to your X is over. Done. Kaput.

7yrsflushed posted 9/30/2013 09:07 AM

Don't do it. If partying with her friends is her priority, then she can be happy with birthday wishes from them. She fired you from the job of remembering special days together.
^^^This!! Don't send the text, it's not your job anymore. if she calls to talk to the kids you can remind them to tell her Happy birthday but if she chooses not to call or come by then it's on her.

Her complaining is her way of keeping you engaged. don't listen to that anymore either. Focus on your children and yourself and detach as best you can.

Running the Race posted 9/30/2013 09:15 AM

So I did have my kids already make homemade cards for her. Obviously I will not be getting her a card or anything from me.
I'm kind of struggling with NC. I do very well not talking to her during the day/weekend or anything.
What makes the situation difficult is having kids. I see her 3 or 4 times a week when she picks them up. This makes it difficult to have pure NC.
I keep the conversation to a min. It just kind of hurts and is difficult because that isn't me. I tend to ask people how their day was, etc..
I understand about not texting her "Happy Bday.". It just seems strange not to. It seems like by not doing it, I'm telling her that I'm mad at her, doing it makes it seem like I don't really care and am just doing the bare min.
I won't say itís not a big deal, it just feels weird not to politely text it, just to be civil.
I appreciate the responses, I can already see that this will be a difficult weekend coming up. I still hope her Bday falls flat, but even if it did, I wouldn't hear or know about it.

sunsetslost posted 9/30/2013 09:18 AM

I've been civil thus far but only because I am afraid of her losing it completely and losing her job. I don't care if she is a homeless person in the future but for now I need her half of the mortgage. Once I get rid of the house and this divorce is final I'm changing my number.

I don't know how you guys with children do it. It is hard. So hard. But to have kids involved and to have to co parent.......I admire your strength.

dindy posted 9/30/2013 11:07 AM

My ex didn't acknowledge my birthday when he dropped the kids off and I have no intention acknowledging his, ever.

Nature_Girl posted 9/30/2013 11:27 AM

I have the kids make cards for their dad. That's as far as I am willing to go.

He doesn't have the kids make cards for me.

newlysingle posted 9/30/2013 13:02 PM

I did not acknowledge the Gnat's birthday in any way. He was in Europe with Hello Kitty the slut version.

I doubt he will acknowledge mine either and I don't care.

realitybites posted 9/30/2013 13:17 PM

I would ask does she go out of her way to say "Happy Birthday" to you? If so then I can understand if you each still do a courtesy exchange of good wishes at that time.

If you however feel the need and worry if she will be "mad" then I would say you still have alot of work to do to really detach from this person. JMO.

Merlin posted 9/30/2013 13:22 PM

RtR,

The old saw 'if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all' is a good rule here. Because you have children, you must, from time to time, be in contact. So, do whatever is necessary for the good of your kids and not anything else.

Remain both civil but detached from her, as you would a business or professional relationship.

Early in my separation, I sent my ex holiday cards, messages and even a Christmas gift. It was a complete waste of time and emotion.

Give her the gift of missing you.

neverbeokay posted 9/30/2013 14:49 PM

I think it's very nice to have the kids make cards, but that is really for them - because they love their parents, because it's good for them to learn how to acknowledge others. Do you really care if she has a happy birthday? NC is about detaching and indifference.

sparkysable posted 9/30/2013 15:21 PM

Being civil doesn't mean you have to tell her to have a happy birthday. Don't do it. It looks pathetic.

I received a "happy birthday" text from XWH while I was at work, and we were all like AYFKM?

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