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Newest Member: Leslierae784 (57068)

User Topic: It's my fault
♂ 40834
Member # 40834
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my fault for getting fat, not being able to please her. I got lazy, didn't go to the gym after work, played poker one to two times a month, didn't kiss her the way she likes to be kissed, didn't pay enough attention to the kids, lousy in bed, no balls.
I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm hurt and I don't want to live anymore. I am humiliated, rejected, distraught and suicidal. There is no light the end of the tunnel, other than the oncoming train. Second marriage, second time around with children, second time betrayed. I just can't do this again. I can't stop thinking about it, I can't close my eyes without images appearing in my head, I can't stop the anger inside, I can't stop the pain, I can't sleep. She knew what my ex did to me, she knew the pain, she says she loves me, she says she won't do it again. This all seems like words with no meaning, an action without thought, a feeling without emotion, a funeral that nobody attends.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Washington State
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Please go to your doctor and tell all. Doctors have heard way way worse things and they know how to help.

You may need something to help you sleep or a temporary anti-depressant.

The affair is not your fault. Your wife had a million honorable options if she wasn't feeling fulfilled in your marriage. She chose to betray you. That's on her.

She needs counseling to figure out what's broken inside her that she would deceive the person she vowed to honor and cherish.

For now, shut her out and focus on your needs. You need support, sleep, and professional help.

Keep posting and please call your doctor, or a counselor for you.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It is not your fault. We are all human---nobody is a perfect supermodel. You & your WW were each 50% responsible for the health of your marriage, but it is 100% her decision to cheat. Nobody held a gun to her head & forced her. She did it because of something broken inside of her, not you. I know you don't believe that right now, but try to file that thought away for now.
We all know how you feel, we have all felt this way. I hope you will read the Healing Library on this site, it will help you.

Second marriage... second time betrayed. I just can't do this again.

Me too. And there are a few others on this site who have had to go thru this in more than one relationship.
Of course I thought
"Maybe there's something wrong with me, that both of my spouses did this to me."
Again, please read the Healing library.

I am assuming that you are not eating or sleeping right now, & can not stop the obsessive thoughts---as happened to all of us. Please go to your doctor TODAY and discuss this with him/her. You should probably go on antidepressants, & maybe take a sleeping pill at night, to help you get thru the next few months.
If you can, start going to IC, it has helped me a lot.

Keep reading & posting on here, we know how you feel.
Go pick up the phone now & call the doctor & insist that they squeeze you in for an appt. today.
Sending you strength.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:00 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo.EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 26+ years/Together 28 years/4 kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2264 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will get better.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo.EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 26+ years/Together 28 years/4 kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2264 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 6449
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Pacman, I am sorry for your pain. In the beginning it is overwhelming and can consume us.

If you are feeling suicidal, I BEG YOU to contact a help hotline and talk to someone in real life!!! You are a special person and you have children who need and love you. Please know that the pain you are feeling now will not last forever. It will pass as time goes by and you process all of your emotions regarding the betrayal.

You are new here and there's not much to go on in your story, but I want you to know this truth, *IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT* that your wife betrayed you. She had other choices, and this is what she chose to do. Do not let her blame you for *HER* actions!

SI is a wonderful place and you will find support and healing here. We all understand your pain. Peace.

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"

Posts: 10023 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
♀ 32211
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Pacman)))) You are not alone in feeling like it is all your fault. Many times WS will make us feel like it's all our fault in order to deflect any blame from themselves, and they can be quite good at it.

If your WS isn't blaming you and you are blaming you, I ask why? Did she come to you and tell you all of these things were bothering you? Did she tell you if you don't change I will cheat? Did she tell you she was very unhappy and wanted to go seek counselling and you refused? Why do you blame yourself?

Try to be gentle with yourself. You have just found out your WS has strayed. You are going to pass through hell and then just when you think you are out of it, you will get pulled back in. But you will get through it to the other side. We are all examples of getting through it. Some of us are in earlier stages, some of us are in Reconciliation mode, and some of us are in limbo and some of us are just numb. You will find yourself in one or more categories as this journey unfolds. But no matter where you are in the journey, you are not alone. Someone here, guaranteed is at the same place as you.

So please, reach out, and keep reaching out. WE all get it. We all understand...

BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 986 | Registered: May 2011
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of COURSE it's all your fault. If it's not, it would have to be HER FAULT. She'd have to face up to the fact that she did a shitty thing, broke her wedding vows, inflicted endless pain on someone she professed to love. So of course it's your fault. Because IT CANNOT be hers. Then the world really would end.

In short, it's Cheater 101. If she was unhappy, she had many many grown-up, morally upstanding ways to deal with it. Instead, she cheated.

So please, please get some support, ideally people who tell you what a great, wonderful, loving guy you are, and how you DESERVE to have somone appreciate YOU.

I'm so sorry

BS (me): 51
WS: 52
Married: 27 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 40726
Member # 40726
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's absolutely not your fault that your wife cheated on you. And that this miserable woman could do this knowing what you've been through before. Well then....she's just heartless and cruel. There are so many better ways to end a marriage that betrayal. And counseling would have been the first step! My husband of 18 years just did this to me....just a few weeks ago. I know how much pain you are in, how betrayed you feel and how much you want to blame yourself. But the first thing I learned here is it's not MY fault. I was an honorable and loving wife....he is the loser. I might feel like it right now, but soon I'm going to know I'm better off without someone like him in my life. And I already an stronger. I did go to my doctor though. I have PTSD....that's how much of a shock it was to my system. But the medications are helping. The anxiety is better now that I'm actually sleeping. We need to rest our minds and body's right please call your doctor today. Or go to an emergency room if you need to....they will point you in the right direction. Just please, please hang on....I promise you are not alone.

Me: 48- BW
Him: 45-WH-chronic cheater, PA and EA
Current Her: Mid to late 30's fatassed, no necked, troglodyte
D Day: August 23, 2013
Separated: August 23, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Michigan
♂ 40834
Member # 40834
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank everyone for their concern. Please know I was expressing what I felt over the past couple days. How I feel does not relate to how I act. I needed to vent these feelings out, as I'm sure most of you can relate to.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Washington State
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


They have to in their minds make us this horrid evil person. Because that gives them permission to do their horrid deed. In their sick minds it counterbalances it sick huh???

Sooo don't let her drag you down in that freakin pit with her!!!

Now go to the doctor first tell him how you are feeling.
Then you schedule yourself a consult with a counselor..
Then you go to the local gym and sign yourself up. Not for anything big just to exercise daily!! Drink water lots of water and take some vitamins too...
You come here and talk to us ok. In a year I promise you you will be thankful you stayed here on this earth to hug those special babies you have!

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3222 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ 40617
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is heartbreaking. PLEASE take care of yourself, this is still very fresh. Please take the time to read through the posts and The Healing Library, it REALLY does help. Those of us here have similar stories, you are NOT ALONE. This is NOT your fault, please remember that. The road ahead is unchartered territory, bumpy with tons of twists and turns, but you will SURVIVE. You will come out of this a stronger and better person.
It is horrible the circumstances we all find ourselves in, but you have found SI and it will be a tremendous help - I speak from experience, I am just 8 weeks in, and the support and reaching out by others has been invaluable.
Good luck to you digging your way out of this mire, and (((HUGS)))

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I was told it was fault too

Because I didn't need him and was too sorted because I'd lost all this weight and got fit and he felt belittled

Blah blah blah

They attack because they know they've done wrong around dday. Whatever excuse comes to mind. If she continues with that rubbish then R cannot happen.

I feel for you

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's called blameshifting

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo.EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 26+ years/Together 28 years/4 kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2264 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, Pacman!!!!

It WILL get better. We all know it! I know it's been said already, but IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

You are worthy of love, respect, and caring. Please find a friend in real life that you can talk to and who can hug you and support you. We are all here at SI to listen also.

Remember your kids need their dad too. Try to sleep, eat, and stay hydrated. Find a little joy in the smallest of things. I hope you can find your inner strength and calm. It is there!!!! So sorry you are going through this (again)!!!!!


Me: 49 BS, Him: 51 WH
M 23 yrs - DD20 DS18 DS16
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, S for 1 year, now Reconciling

Posts: 1373 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there. It does get better.

This is the third ralationship where someone chose to cheat on me. I learned that to get through it, I needed to take back my value. I had allowed them to influence how I felt about myself. Once I realized my self worth had nothing to do with them, I started respecting myself again.

Please take care...

I've been a BW and a BGF. Dealt with adultery, physical and emotional abuse, and sex addiction.
Today, I'm a 49 year old woman who's trying to be happy and live my life with a loving heart and hope 😊

Posts: 947 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you and every newbie needs to understand is that your WS had choices. Its highly unlikely that those so called personal faults you listed made her decide to cheat. But you need to keep in mind that she had a choice if they were. She could have chose to encourage you to live healthier, she could have chose to explain to you how to kiss her. And if she really felt that these were marital deal breakers, she could have chose to ask for a D. But she chose to engage in an A, she chose to lie and go behind your back for some validation from another man, she chose to break her marital vows. So you see she had many choices to make. And she chose to do the most selfish act there was. And she now is choosing to blame you for her shitty behaviors. From where I'm sitting you really did not have much input in her decision making. Your just an easy target for her to lay her blame on. Fuck that Bitch !!! You deserve better. Serve her ass up a big plate of consequence and see how she thinks afterward. She claims she loves you. But people don't emotionally destroy those they love. Lay down the law my man. And do not ever allow her to blame you for her immoral behaviors. Hang in there Bro.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 16

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