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Newest Member: Shattered31 (45724)

User Topic: Did your ws say ap could have been anyone
sad34
♀ 40358
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh had a 4 year affair with a woman he texted night and day, and spent a lot of time with. Was definetly an EA as well as pa. Yet he claims she could have been anyone. Not sure if that's suppose to make me feel better or worse that he would have had sex with anyone.
My wh definetly does not get a long with everyone and is picky with friends so I don't believe him. What have your ws' said?


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he did. And his actions proved it as there were 4 AP's and 2 intended AP's. It wasn't about THEM, it was about HIM.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
PeaceLove187
♀ 33559
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't say those words and seemed to think all of his APs were special in their own way, but that's self delusion. In fact, they could have been and were in fact "anyone". Fat, thin, old, young, married, single--it didn't matter. The only trait they had in common was the willingness to get it on.

Believe him. It could have been anyone who said "yes".

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 9:14 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 642 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
sullymeishadomi
♀ 16305
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he did say she could have been anyone. He went looking bc he is SA and do to the type of pregnancy I had, I was put out of commision sexually beginning at 4 months. He went fishing and she is the one who bit. He never gave her up because she knocked herself out to win him (and still does) and he doesnt want to give up the perks.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8471 | Registered: Sep 2007
Whalers11
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not in some many words, but yes. He said she gave him attention when I didn't... so I think it could have been anyone in the sense that he was looking for attention and ego stroking and he jumped on the first person who gave him that...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, he didn't say that. He was quite offended, actually, when I suggested he would have had an affair with a monkey wearing a dress and lipstick if it had acted the same and said the same things as AP did. OTOH, he insists it was nothing but a FWB's situation and that he used it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think WH's AP had to be a certain kind of person for the A to go on so long. Someone who didn't want more, someone who didn't want intimacy, someone who was happy with a FWB, PT relationship. Someone who was attractive to WH (he's pretty choosy).

So, in a way, it couldn't have been anyone. OTOH, did he know her? She was pretty much a blank slate in some ways. He now admits to being kind of astonished at how little he "really" knew about her.

We'll never understand it.

[This message edited by Blobette at 10:34 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't say that and I'm glad he didn't. I realize that for the ones who seriously make an effort to go out looking to cheat (on Craigslist, AFF, or other such dating sites, and those who solicit prostitutes, etc., they probably just look for about anybody willing to go along do what they have in mind.

And some others might be of a mind set where attention from "just about anyone" would easily lead to an A.

But I don't go along with that blanket statement that for anybody having an A, it could be anyone.

I actually read that on the other forum and was wishing I could respond because I agree that many people in an A do have real feelings for the AP and that in some cases they may even come to "love" them. Even though they usually don't face the pressures of homelife and marriage with that person, if the relationship goes on long enough, there will be arguments and other things that will make the rose colored glasses come off little by little, as they find that person probably does stink up the bathroom when they go, just like everybody else.

I don't think BS do ourselves a favor by downplaying the "love" that WS sometimes claim for their OP. And the WS that also say it could have been anyone, well maybe it could have been for the one saying it, but I don't think that is being honest for all WS's.


Posts: 5775 | Registered: Apr 2006
overandone
39162
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes she could've been anyone. Was there and available. She was interested in ancient history, but he admitted he lost interest in the conversations as she went on and on and on....
I suggested once she was like his own blow up rubber dolly and he said yes!


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Broken1Again
♀ 32211
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he has said that to me. That it could be anyone. And I believe him because, really, it has been anyone and everyone. OTOH though, sometimes I find myself wondering if he wanders from woman to woman because he's trying to forget someone.


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 883 | Registered: May 2011
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at first, but after a lot of work she said that it could have been anyone, sort of. I dunno if she used those words but what it came down to was that she was in X place in her head and the OM was convenient to fit that place.

I have not really read the other thread, but I think this phrase is used because it's not about how awesome the AP is, but the fucked up part of the WS making the choices. The reason it could have been anyone is because the AP was an escape, not a real relationship. It's like an alcoholic pounding a certain kind of beer. You don't drink a case a night because you love that brew, you drink it because you're an alcoholic.

It couldn't literally be anyone, obviously. I don't think it's reasonable to say "Any random cock that was lobbed her way like a tumescent lawn dart would do" but what made the AP special was the fucked process in her head, not anything individually appealing about him. Maybe his big mothra dick, but if that's the case she could have streamlined the process there a lot more effectively than she did.

I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's somebody out there who is so fucking awesome I won't be able to keep my dick in my pants when I meet her, and I will be launched at her vagina because she's so much cooler than my wife. Of course I accept the reality that if I step back and look at things objectively, of course she is not the single most beautiful, sexy, brilliant, awesome woman in the world. Of course there is somebody out there better than her at all those things, probably even at the same time. What makes her the most beautiful, sexy, brilliant awesome woman in the world is that I don't give a shit enough about other women to care how they rank. This is the relationship I am in and she is the woman I want to make it work with. If I get to a place where that is no longer true then there is either the right way to deal with that, or the wrong way. Sexual gravity does not sneak up and wrench my cock out of orbit during a neap tide or something.

As for whether or not feelings can be real, sure, feelings are real. The things those feelings are for are pretty much bullshit when it comes to an A, as far as I am concerned. I saw my wifes relationship with this guy. Any feelings she had were constructed around a fantasy.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7566 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was never asked, but yeah, i think anyone that would have shown me attention or the attraction i felt starved for would have had a chance.

Of course, my ONS and 2 EA's were short. I had very little invested as far as emotion to either.

I would think that if it was an LTA that there was more to the person then to the situation. Once you have to start putting real effort into the sneaking around, the long term lying, the juggling act, then I think the WS need to have a reason to do all those things with that particular person.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1816 | Registered: Sep 2012
SoOver96
♀ 40169
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine said he didn't want strange then he said you choose your ex well I went to the last one I had sex with hello she wasn't pineing over you she had different sexual partners

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
sullymeishadomi
♀ 16305
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Bobbie Sue...I could also have been anyone as far as wh was concerned...and I am his wife.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8471 | Registered: Sep 2007
cancuncrushed
♀ 28156
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

never discussed this. The OW I did witness, I dont think she was just anyone. I think she was his dream girl. he tends to fall in love easily. SHe showed up at the perfect time, threw herself at him continually, even in front of me. She was 20 yrs younger, so that fed into his midlife crisis and lonely disconnect we had. In his fog, which he still denies, I believe he really cared for her. I do often wonder if there were more OW.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 1054 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
PeaceLove187
♀ 33559
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes her the most beautiful, sexy, brilliant awesome woman in the world is that I don't give a shit enough about other women to care how they rank. This is the relationship I am in and she is the woman I want to make it work with. If I get to a place where that is no longer true then there is either the right way to deal with that, or the wrong way. Sexual gravity does not sneak up and wrench my cock out of orbit during a neap tide or something.

Loved this!! Stillgoing rocks.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 642 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 16

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