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Newest Member: Questiounanswere (45696)

User Topic: A new day is here, time to make a change
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Content  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we had another weekend from hell. She gets depressed on Friday's (that's been the trend) and the weekend just goes to hell. Partly is what she's dealing with, the other part is the finances as I've had a hard time finding full time work and the business is failing. Had two deals cancel last minute. :(

So my son sat with me on Friday and said "Dad, I look up to you. You are NOT a failure. I don't care what mother thinks. I want you to be happy again. She doesn't appreciate all your efforts. You've done so much to keep this marriage together. But you're not happy. You are stronger than anyone I know. She needs to be scared into appreciating what she has." This from my teenage son. So it opened my eyes to what some people have been telling me since last year.

Perhaps it has taken me 1yr 4 months to understand, to wake up or to mourn the relationship to finally make a stand and get up from the ashes. On Sunday, I got out of bed, cooked breakfast, watched some Joel Olsteen and felt it was time to let go of the past. Not dwell on the pain, not dwell on the wronging that was done to me. Not dwell on her lack of moving forward and her state of limbo. Not wait for that huge reward that will justify it all. Not to blame myself anymore. But to stand for myself. To be the leader of the home that I've always been, but better. To lead my children, be their father, friend and spiritual guide. To have more faith again and to feel positive about life. To look for a job that I'll feel passionate about or to become the best businessman I can be with my business/passion.

It's going to be a daily struggle. Just today I caught myself getting negative thoughts. So I changed them. Caught myself running to my 2012 calendar to see what was happening a year ago today. I felt the pain as I opened it, but quickly closed it and put it away. Found myself wanting to feel sad and cry...I stopped. There's still a hole in my heart and my anxiety is dying to kick in, but I want to fight this. I want to get up and be strong again.

I post this because many of you have encouraged me to make this step and I haven't been able to. I think today is the day. I also post this to inspire others. There is not big prize that will make the wronging that was done to you go away, but you can become the prize. What you do with yourself. I'm learning that now and I know my wife will probably wake up and see that she's wronged a man that she should be crazily in love with and fighting along side with.

Pray for me.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awesome post! and out of the mouths of babes: Dad, I look up to you. You are NOT a failure. I don't care what mother thinks. I want you to be happy again. She doesn't appreciate all your efforts. You've done so much to keep this marriage together. But you're not happy. You are stronger than anyone I know. She needs to be scared into appreciating what she has

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:49 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
WeHadItAll
♀ 38804
Member # 38804
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for that post, 2M2Q. It's late over here on my side of the planet, and I could stay up late into the night, worrying and being angry and digging... but it won't help. I've been down this path before and I know where it leads. To a crappy morning and the start of a new downward spiral.

I know exactly what I need in order to feel better: good sleep, lots of water, healthy food, exercise, sunshine, a productive day of work, social interaction. And yet today, like so many days, I did none of that... except getting on SI forums. Which actually helped because tomorrow is a new day and I want to meet it the way you are meeting yours. It's been a hell of a weekend over here too, but tomorrow is a clean slate.

Thanks for the reminder.


Me - BSO, 35
Him - fWSO, 35
8y together.
DDay Nov 2012
R

Posts: 50 | Registered: Mar 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!!!!

Have a wonderful day, my friend


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2666 | Registered: Aug 2012
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WeHadItAll - I really think it's about thought replacement. Sure, there is no room for rug-sweeping or un-dealt with issues, but there's some suffering that you're gonna have to put your foot down and stop it. I was killing myself. I still have a tendency to continue. I struggle.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this, I needed to read about new possibilities. Many blessings on your new day


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 513 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great positive post. I've had a bit of a wake up call today too. I'm not going to wallow anymore. Life is moving on and I'm moving with it. Whether he wants to be there or not. He's not going to be honest with me so.fine....my life won't stop...who knows what the future holds.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ 40762
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great positive post. I've had a bit of a wake up call today too. I'm not going to wallow anymore. Life is moving on and I'm moving with it. Whether he wants to be there or not. He's not going to be honest with me so.fine....my life won't stop...who knows what the future holds.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got to admit, it's not easy. Today I woke up with anxiety and sometimes I just don't want to be sweet with her, but at the same time I need her.

I do feel good about taking steps forward and working on myself and my thought pattern. It's easy to fall back on the hurt. It's a horribly comfy place, but not one anyone should allow themselves to stay in. All I know is that I have to take it one day at a time.

Fear, yes, I still have some. Hurt, duh! But I have to cure. With or without her. Gotta do it for me, for my children and for the sake of being alive and enjoying life.

pray for me.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still surviving. Funny how I'm kinda leaving FWW behind in recover. Amazing what you can do for yourself when you put your mind to it. She can't even do this for herself other than compartmentalizing.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
hdhs3
40773
Member # 40773
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fabulous!!! Seems like its just what we all needed to hear - almost prophetic!! Tx for your post and good luck!!!

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2013
Bikingguy
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your son rocks! Is WW his mom? To be able to have that kind of perspective at a young age is amazing. You are raising a great kid! Spend the day with him. Sounds like he will appreciate it way more.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 676 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so happy for you. You take care of YOURSELF!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5069 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isnt it amazing how that light just switched on! Kids are everything!
Keep going forward!


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3197 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Teach8
♀ 36521
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm rooting for you 2m2q. :) And I need to take a page out of your book. Haven't had an upswing on the coaster for a while. I'm stuck in the dreaded plain of lethal flatness at the moment...but your post makes me smile...and gives me hope.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Dad, I look up to you. You are NOT a failure. I don't care what mother thinks. I want you to be happy again. She doesn't appreciate all your efforts. You've done so much to keep this marriage together. But you're not happy. You are stronger than anyone I know. She needs to be scared into appreciating what she has."

Sometimes we need to listen to what others tell us and see ourselves through their eyes.

Kudos to your son for recognizing you and your efforts.

I hope you continue to do for you through this, you will get there and you will be ok.

Your wife will find her own way, be it an authentic, honest path or a rug-sweeping stick-her head in the sand life...her choice.

You deserve to be happy, I hope you continue to find it!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still trying. I tell'ya, when you try to put away the pain, it becomes a habit that you don't want to let go of. I took the infidelity tour yesterday. And although it hurt, I finally realized she did all of this and she's paying for it with her own guilt and shame. It wasn't worth one bit of it. It was pure stupidity.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2m2q, wonderful post and wonderful son.

Good for you for identifying when you were sliding into negative thoughts and habits and changing them around. It is such a fight. But you got this and isn't it amazing that your son has your back, too.

You have my prayers.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2574 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 18

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