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Youth and the concept of 'Friends with Benefits"

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brokensmile322 posted 9/30/2013 11:51 AM

So my dd started HS this year. Wow, a lot has changed since I graduated. Ha!

I'd like to think that I am not naive and I am a bit worldly, but what I have been told is happening in the HS is just crazy.

Friends with benefits seems to be a 'new' thing. I know this is not a new concept, but it was certainly not one I/we had in our high school years. And maybe this is coming out of their curiosity about sexuality, but there just seems to be shift in the youth's thinking when it comes to sex, sexuality and morals.

I am hearing stories of group sex, casual partners, girls kissing girls etc...

And believe me, I am no prude. If you are kissing a girl because you like girls, well then fine, but if you are kissing girls to get a rise out of boys, well

Where has morality gone? Am I living in my own bubble and need to move or is this prevalent everywhere?

Is this the by product of the famous "girls gone wild" years?

And how the hell do you help your child navigate all this stuff?

I have talked to my daughter about her kisses/hugs/sex being special and that she should give them away to people who mean something to her. That if she just gives them to anyone, they have no value and soon others think she has no value either.

We've talked about sex and sexuality, drugs and alcohol. I have been very open and frank with her.

I am afraid she is buying into this thinking which would just floor me, really!

And I have come to find out that her peer group is being labeled a bit 'crazy' which mean they probably are. And then that means she probably is too. These are girls she has played soccer with for the past 10 years. All from good families. I have seen the instagram pics some of them post. Their parents would flip. I monitor her social media and this is how I know. And we have talked about some of the posts or pictures which show up.

Am I just a prude? And if this is her peer group, how do you influence that at all when she literally feels like she has grown up with these girls.

Ack! I am not ready for this! Or am I being a helicopter mom and I just really need to back off. Is this the way the world works now?


[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:44 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

StillGoing posted 9/30/2013 12:16 PM

I am hearing stories of group sex, casual partners, girls kissing girls etc...

Hippies. The hippies are back.

tushnurse posted 9/30/2013 14:47 PM

Nope Broken, you aren't a prude, but I do believe that it is different now.

Thing is when I was in high school all the boys wanted one thing, sex. That hasn't really changed, what has changed is that the girls also want sex. Not the special person in love deep meaningful sex, but plain old nasty f'ing. There a lot that are very content to have sex, give oral, and just about anything else with anyone willing to do it.

I have a male who is a Jr this year, and I was appalled and didn't believe what some of the girls were doing and wanted to do with my boy when he was a freshman. I just keep scaring him and my daughter both with scary stories of STD's, and occasionally a scary picture of one.

I figure if I can keep them disease free then I am doing good.

tired girl posted 9/30/2013 14:49 PM

This is not new. My son graduated two years ago and this was going on when he was a freshman.

redrock posted 9/30/2013 14:58 PM

There is a lot of things out there.

I follow the 'trust but verify' approach I learned here.

But I have learned that not all parents monitor their kids. Some provide them with alcohol and think nothing of never checking the after party in their own basement.

This is a smaller thing but one thing that freaked me out was the group thing. The kids around here tend to have a large social group of boys and girls. Then they subdate, break-up and date each others co-mingled friends. This would NOT have flown in the 80's. We tagged our fellas and a friend that dated him was persona non grata. It is all very casual. Too casual.

Makes me very glad that I have raised a couple of dorks that will not be appreciated until college.

[This message edited by redrock at 2:59 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Deeply Scared posted 9/30/2013 15:00 PM

Not having kids but noticing a huge increase in slutty behavior.

I chalk much of it up to the convenience of texting and emailing. Today it doesn't take much courage to ask a girl out...just text her. There doesn't seem to be much effort with dating. Text/sext...whatever. Get what you want and then break up via text or email.

Absolutely zero effort and/or grace that many teenagers are taught. Respect? Don't see much.

Did you know that there was an actual study done on facial expressions in pre-teen kids? It was like 85% of them already had frown and aging lines due to them constantly looking angrily at their phones.

Ever since I read that article, I've made an effort to look at kids faces and it's true. They're scowling and looking mad and put out. How sad for them.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:12 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 9/30/2013 18:32 PM

I have the dorkiest of dorks and I had a girl that acted like a friend of my daughter that attempted to sneak in his room one night and give him a BJ. Dork or no dork they all wanna get sum. Scary!

million pieces posted 9/30/2013 18:36 PM

I was in HS in the mid to late 80s, this behavior did NOT happen back then. But my SO is about 10 yrs older, it happened back then

[This message edited by million pieces at 6:36 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

StillGoing posted 9/30/2013 18:44 PM

I really don't think girls wanting to have sex because hormones happen at a certain time in life is a new introduction to life as people. I think the issue is that we're adults now and have to look at it with a much different perspective.

This went on when I was in HS in the 90s, it was going on obviously enough when I was in jr HS before that. I was not a participant for various reasons but the only real change at all in any way is that girls aren't ashamed of themselves for enjoying sex. I don't personally see that as a bad thing but it does make it harder to keep them all from doing it. When you take away shame as a means of prevention it's time for education and tolerance IMO.

Since I don't have a daughter, anyway. If I had a daughter I'd have six shotguns and my gun safe on speed dial.

caregiver9000 posted 9/30/2013 18:54 PM

The middle school I taught at in the 90s had an epidemic of chlamydia from such parties.

Not new. But the invitations are so much faster, cheaper and wide reaching. Tweet, post and hook up.

Monitor your children and let them know you do so.

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