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sh714 posted 9/30/2013 14:01 PM

well i hope this helps me cope with what is going on in my life. let me start at the beginning. the trouble in my marriage started out of no where one day. i got back from a business trip over seas after just moving to a new state the week before. my wife told me she lost that "connection" with me and we need to get it back. i was shocked but was happy she told me. so for the next 5 months i would put everything i had into letting her know how much i loved her and what she meant to me. nothing was working real well and she was seeing a councilor but i was never invited to go because she said she needed to fix herself. after a while i started getting a feeling something is not adding up so i checked the phone records and found alot of calls to the state we left. after some digging i found out who they were to and who he was. but at this point the calls and texts stopped. and i told myself i would wait and see what happens. the last month was going great we were happy and getting everything back but last weekend we were camping with friends and something told me to check the phone records so i got out my smart phone and looked them up. low and behold she texted 30 mins before i looked. so i was pissed and confronted her but at this point i thought it was just talking. well she confessed to sleeping with him before we left. now im feeling all the emotions you expect and i want to tell her to go fck yourself and leave but i do love her even though i cant look at her with out being disgusted atm. i have decided to try to make it work because my son deserves at least my effort. I will start counseling soon but i'm not sure if i will ever be able to truly be the way i was with her. i know my story isn't special but its mine and i need to talk with people who have gone through this. My rage and anger are out of control in my head luckily i am able to restrain myself from a bad decision but this is so damn hard. she said she wants us to fix this but I'm going to have a hard time believing her. Any one here fixed their marriage after your spouse cheated? thanks for Reading.


5454real posted 9/30/2013 14:25 PM

welcome brother to the best club you never wanted to join. I only have a few minutes, but I wanted to let you know that the short answer to your question is yes, there are many here who are in the process of reconciliation. I'm currently about 20 months past what is referred to here as D Day.

its going to be a wild ride. it's referred to as a rollercoaster, and let me tell you what, it is a very apt description.

briefly, in the upper left hand corner is healing library. read a lot. get to a doctor and tell him or her what has occurred. anti anxiety or depression medications might be helpful at this point. STD testing is also mandatory. not only for yourself but for your wife as well. take good care of yourself, make sure you stay hydrated and try to eat a regular healthy diet. it's not unusual to hear of people who have lost 40 to 50 pounds in a matter of months after discovery. believe me, it is not a healthy way to do it.

take it easy on yourself. regardless of what was occurring in your marriage at the time, the affair is totally her responsibility. everyone has issues in their marriage. an affair is never the answer. do not take any responsibility.

sorry you had to find us, we are glad you're here.


HereWeGo62 posted 9/30/2013 14:48 PM


I am very sorry that you find yourself here, you will get a lot of support.

First of all look for the "healing libraty" under the library threads. You will find a ton of info that will help understand what has happened and a start for your healing process.

Keep yourself healthy. Eat what you can and make sure you drink water. Your body is going to be put through a ton of stress over the next few months and you will need to stay as healthy as possible to navigate through it.

i got back from a business trip over seas after just moving to a new state the week before. my wife told me she lost that "connection" with me and we need to get it back.

This is a very common statement made by wayward spouses. Often refered to as ILYBNILWY (I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You). There is a very strong possibility that the A was going strong at this point.

It is normal for your emotions to be all over the place right now as you are most likely in shock and more pain than you have ever felt. If your anger or sorrow gets to be to much consider seeing a doctor for AD medication.

You must also schedule yourself for STD tests with your doctor. If your WW had unprotected sex with the other man then she has also put you at risk, she will also need to be tested.

If the OM is married then you should contact his W. Do not tell your WW that you are going to do this as she may warn the OM it's coming. Having two sets of eyes will hellp insure the A does not go underground.

Keep posting. Check out the "Betrayed Men" thread in the I can relate section, you will get lots of help there also.

sh714 posted 9/30/2013 15:33 PM

thanks for the welcome- Seems to be a lot of good info on here. some not so good too lol. this is still real fresh for me and it helps to talk to people that have had the same thing happen to them. i've always been a huge family man and a "guys guy" but i feel like such a little girl atm and that really pisses me off.

sailorgirl posted 9/30/2013 15:42 PM

Remember that the affair was about her being messed-up, not about you. It reflects poorly on her and her shitty choices, not on you!

sunsetslost posted 9/30/2013 15:59 PM


Sorry you are here. We've all been through it. It helps to share. Post often. We are here for you.

sh714 posted 9/30/2013 22:19 PM

just trying lay to lay down and go to sleep and I cannot stop the images and thoughts in my head. is this is ever go away or something I will deal with forever? I am so torn.I truly do love my wife dearly but I am so pissed off at her. we had a very long talk this evening. She seems sincere being sorry and wanted to work it out.I'm afraid it's not the truth but I want to believe so bad and because I want to believe I feel terrible. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way but I've never felt this way before

Saleschick posted 9/30/2013 23:06 PM

My guy friends who have been in your shoes have all cried a ton and lost weight so do not worry about trying to be a "guys guy". Good Luck to you!

Landoes posted 10/1/2013 03:19 AM

What Sales said. I cried like a little girl for months. You should have seen the sobbing, fkin embarrassing lol.
Stay busy. Best wishes to you.

Blackhair posted 10/1/2013 04:35 AM

Sorry to hear what you are going through right now, it is hard. We all have similar stories.
But it is not the end of the world, you will get through it, simply one day or one week at a time.

Make sure to take care of yourself, very important, come and talk to us.
There are also beautiful stories that couple reconciled.

Cry if you need to....but you will get better...

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/1/2013 05:23 AM

I am so sorry for what you are going through and I echo the same sentiments. You are in a great place here. Visit often please.
I would like to say, please do not let all of the "bad" posts scare you. Roller coaster is the truly most apt description of the ride you just got on. And for the most part, we are all on it. I post good, bad, And in between- because it helps. So many people here have given me support and direction when I am so down. Today, at this moment, is good for me. But i know that another crash is coming, because i have learned that Such is the process. My WH and are are trying to R, and IMO he is doing what he should. that doesnt mean we are okay, it means we are wirking in it.
You will find good spots- great moments even- and then you will crash again. Hard. Do not let that discourage you. Right now is so hard for you and you will feel emotions you probably didn't know you had in you. You will also learn things about yourself that surprise you.
I am 2 months from D day and everyday is a new day- some with ups, some with downs and some with a lot of both. Allow yourself to feel. I bottled mine up trying to be "adult" and "calm" about things. I tried to judge my actions by who I was before i knew. I learned that I cannot do that. I am not the same person and there are a whole new set of rules now. Two days ago I crashed hard and raged at him for awhile. It hurt, a lot.
Go easy on yourself, reach out for support and allow yourself to feel. There is a light at the end of the tunnel- either with her or without her. You will make it through this. It is not easy. But you have to process this your way. No judgements.
My heart aches for you and I wish you strength and clarity.

sh714 posted 10/1/2013 07:38 AM

its so new for me but i still find myself wanting to forgive. when i feel like i want to forgive and rebuild i feel like I'm cheating myself or telling her its OK i forgive you. but i don't yet. it hurts me to see her in pain and that makes me feel worse, both because she is in pain and for 13 years i always tried to comfort her and i feel I should not care and she should be in more pain caused by my actions now so she knows how i feel. but im not a mean person so its hard. I feel like a game player because my heart wants to go to her but at the same time i want her to hurt and prove herself. when is it ok to let yourself......

painpaingoaway posted 10/1/2013 08:01 AM

Hi sh714, and welcome to SI.

What you are experiencing is the Rollercoaster of emotions after infidelity.

You need to quit worrying about her hurt. YOU are the one that has been cheated on here. SHE needs to be comforting you, and worrying about YOUR hurt.

Also, you both need to be tested for STD's, and you must insist that her docs office release her results to YOU. Remember, cheaters lie, and yes, some will even lie about STD's.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

tushnurse posted 10/1/2013 08:52 AM

Welcome sh - You will find tons of great advice here, and you will also get an equal amount of support.

This is going to one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. Accept that the next bit will be hard, and you will survive it.

Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. This magic 3 helps you stay somewhat sane, and grounded. If you are having accomplishing this call your Dr, and get soem pharmaceutical support for a while.

I agree that you need to make her get STD checked, and yourself as well. You also need to accept this has nothing to do with you. This is all on her. It was her choice to do what she did.

I see many have already given you good advice, and although you want this to work, it is helpful to see an attorney, to find out what your rights are, and how this would play out, if she can't get it together, and do what needs to be done to heal herself and your M. Don't be paralyzed with fear of the what if's. Get answers, this will give you some strength.

You need to take some basic first steps to heal your M, and start on the road to R. And the first of those is establishing NC (no contact) between her and her AP (affair partner). In addition you need to tell the other spouse if there is one what happened. This helps you bring this A out into the light of day, and when both Betrayed spouses know they can often help each other keep track of NC.

You need complete transparency from her, all phone and email passwords, access to all her devices, without anger, without frustration. There is no privacy in a M. So don't let her pull that card. Be prepared to have consquences for her actions, and follow through, for many of us here, that is what finally wakes up the WS (wayward spouse).

Read my profile, to answer your question, yes R is possible, but brother it is a long hard road, but as Vet, I can say at 5 years out that I would do it again. We are better, stronger, closer, and happier now than ever. But only because he was willing to bust his Ass and do the hard work of R.

((((and strength))))

Josephine01 posted 10/1/2013 10:17 AM


Welcome, so sorry you are here.

If you find yourself wanting to forgive, but you can't yet. Tell her this be honest. But, let her now NC is a must, you must see remorse, and she has to be patient with you while you decide. The fact that you are even considering R, she should see as a gift. It's ok for her to be scared, but not remorseful, or blameshift as she did when she was trying to reconnect with you. She knew then what had caused the problem, but she made it seem like it was you. Don't let her do anymore of that. This is hard enough. Many times WS try to blame us, make us feel bad for their broken self etc.

Good Luck my fried,

Josephine01 posted 10/1/2013 10:19 AM

*I said not remorseful, but I meant she has to be remorseful. Sorry

bionicgal posted 10/1/2013 10:40 AM

Make sure to check out the Positive Reconciliation stories as well - they were a lifeline for me at first, as was the book "Not Just Friends." Have your wife read it as well.

Most of us think infidelity is a dealbreaker. Many of us think we won't be able to get over it at one time or another. But, you get wiser when this happens, and you will surprise yourself with your strength.

Also, you wife might still be a little foggy. Has she gone NC (no contact) with him? Be prepared to hear some hurtful stuff as she withdraws. It will be helpful to you (and her) to see the other man as a drug. . . it is very much a similar thing. It is not about love, and it is not about you -- it is about escape.

Hang in there -- keep posting. It does get better.

kansas1968 posted 10/1/2013 11:14 AM

It sounds like your wife was already trying to fix herself and the marriage before you found out. That is actually pretty rare from what I read on these forums.
But when the knowledge of a betrayal hits you in the face, the reactions are universal. Rage, sorrow, loss, and you just have to get through them.

You can get through this and you can restore a loving relationship. It isn't easy, but don't give up yet.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 10/3/2013 06:50 AM


Brother, we all get the need to forgive. You love her. So something in you says if you forgive her, YOU will make it all better.


The instant you take ownership for her affair, your marriage gets EVEN worse. Cheap forgiveness may not seem like taking ownership of her affair, but it is often easily interpreted that way by the betrayer. They think "Well, he forgave me. I did not do anything really bad. Besides, he would not forgive me if he didn't think HE caused this..."

You need to stop and think. Or what we say - DETACH as much as you can emotionally. Force yourself to think that this is your best friend in this situation and what would you tell him to do.

You'd tell him to see a lawyer to learn his rights. Why? Because you know she is a skilled liar and betrayer. She probably has a lawyer on speed dial ready to protect her. Why play on a field where your opponent outguns and outnumbers you??

You would tell him to seek IC for his pain. He needs help to process the searing knife that she shoved into his heart.

You would tell him to focus on himself. To find activities that he enjoys, that make him a better person. To get away from her as much as possible until he has his feet under him.

And you would tell him that SHE HAS TO WORK THROUGH HER BROKENNESS. He cannot fix her and he cannot make her safe, as much as he wants to fix her. She has to find out why she could do this and not only betray her marriage, but betray herself (assuming of course she is not a sociopath)

And finally you'd tell him to expose the affair to loverboy's wife or GF. She deserves to know. Don't trust anything the WW tells him about the affair partner. Odds are its just a lie too...

Strength to you brother. Do the right

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 6:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

sh714 posted 10/4/2013 12:25 PM

Well last night we went to see 2 therapists. The first one was ok and is the one my wife has been seeing since she had the affair. It was a one time physical thing according to him and a 3 month emotional phone affair. Not sure I believe him. He said some things to her that were spot on about what i feel and what she needs to do but he is just a feelings kinda person. The second one was a women and she seemed like she will be helpful. It helped a lot to talk to a 3rd party about things and get justification of my feelings. My wife and I talk every night about what happened and how I feel. I tell her im pissed at her and have more pain than i could even express. She is saying and doing the right things I can see the pain and self loathing in her eyes but I am still unsure because I don't trust her at all. I am hopeful that I can forgive and that we can begin again but like the MC said our relationship from before is now dead and will never come back, we just have to see if we can make a new one and if this new one will be better or what we want. For me Talking and reading is helping me cope. I am not sure what the future holds for me or us but either way I am going to come out a better person and If we don't work I am not going to allow this to affect any future relationships I have. It hasn't been long since I found out but I do know that I will not allow this to ruin me for long. I'm not the bad guy and I didn't cause this. I'll learn from it and move on one way or another. Thanks for listening and helping me You all are great!!

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