But I'm still having such a hard time. Those months of limbo over the summer when he went back and forth between me and OW have really damaged my psyche and ability to trust.
WH is starting to do everything right. I'll never have total transparency, but honestly that does me no good. WH was such an adept liar that all the passwords in the world doesn't mean he doesn't have other accounts/phones somewhere hidden.
He's apologizing, doesn't seem to be triggering over OW much He's attentive, loving. Texts me during the time of day he knows is a particular trigger for me.
I'm just afraid to trust him. I'm not just afraid to trust that he won't cheat again; I'm afraid to trust that he will stay. Leaving me (even though it was brief) for other woman, and starting the divorce process really damaged the security I felt in our relationship.
Then I feel guilty when tiny flickers of trust rise up. I feel like I'm being stupid and possibly deserve any pain that comes my way again for even wanting to trust him now or in the future.
I did get an apology from OW (whom I've never met) via e-mail for the pain and hurt that she had caused me. She did try to make herself out to be a victim in the situation, but I know that is far from the truth.
I'm just having a bad day.