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Faithful w/Love posted 9/30/2013 14:45 PM

i thought we wete getting to R. But, I saw a text come across his phone and I looked and saw it was the exow. he has been chatting with her again.

Now we are back at sqaure one however, this time he says he lost all trust in me because I lied and went through his phone.

Was I wrong for that? When I asked him 2 nights before if he was talking to any females? And he said no.

Why can he not get that he was wrong and he knew what I would do if I found out.

We will not R at this time but I need help what to say next time he brings that up because I am so fustrated with him right now.

Rebreather posted 9/30/2013 14:49 PM

Why are you even talking with him? He twists things around, gaslights and blameshifts like it is an Olympic sport.

Just. Stop.

No, of course you were not wrong to go through his phone - HE IS CHEATING ON YOU STILL.

Sweety, it is time to go no contact and protect yourself. How many times you gonna let him jerk you around like this?

sad34 posted 9/30/2013 14:50 PM

Ummmm....u should have access to his email, phone, anything u want whenever u want!!! Complete transparency forever!!! Or get the hell out!!! I will look through my husbands everything all the time! If he ever got mad that would be like alarms going off!!!

Faithful w/Love posted 9/30/2013 14:52 PM

I just wanted to know if any other wh's think like this and why.

Faithful w/Love posted 9/30/2013 14:54 PM

I feel like I am the only one who has a mental muffin and just can't grasp that broken contact is a NO NO and Im not the one that should not be trusted.

Gaaaaahhhh.... to hell with it.

lostcovenants posted 9/30/2013 15:04 PM


My WH says I treat him like he is an eight yr old. I need to adjust that because he actually acts two some days. No, you are not alone. Deep slow breaths!!!

messedup96 posted 9/30/2013 15:09 PM

I agree with sad545 you should have every right my WS if he gets to blame shifting I tell him don't turn this around on me you put us here

h0peless posted 9/30/2013 15:11 PM

I'm not a WH but the only reasons he's acting like this are:

1: You not having access to his stuff gives him a position of greater power in the relationship.

2: You not having access to his stuff allows him to continue cheating on you.

3: The fact that you're even questioning whether or not this is acceptable (it isn't) and are trying to understand his lack of transparency and how he could feel that it's acceptable means that he's winning the two games above.

You did nothing wrong by going through his phone. I would tell him to direct any further complaints he might have to your attorney.

Merlin posted 9/30/2013 15:16 PM

I'm no great fan of a late President that shall remain nameless (seriously mods?). But when he was dealing with the Russians, he said that the US would 'trust but verify'.

The reason is simple. If you cannot verify, there is nothing to trust.

You caught him AGAIN. So all his words are without meaning.

You are not the bad guy here. Your wayward is. Do not accept his guilt sandwich. He made it, he eats it.

[This message edited by Merlin at 3:36 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

Steppenwolf posted 9/30/2013 15:19 PM

I felt like this when I was still lying.

Kelany posted 9/30/2013 15:20 PM

I told my husband that in order for reconciliation certain things had to happen. Transparency was at the top of the list.

It is *NOT* snooping. You should have access to anything and everything. He should be an open book. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. He's angry because he got caught...again, so he is deflecting and blame shifting. did nothing wrong.

He is continuing wayward behavior. Is this how you want to live?

NewWorldMan posted 9/30/2013 15:35 PM

He should willingly give you full access to his phone, especially after having already betrayed you.

I'm a former divorced.

He's acting this way because he got caught red-handed and he's now being defensive. He's trying to make you feel guilty for spying on him. It's not spying. It's gaining access to information you have every right to see.

You're not in R. Sorry. I hope he wakes up before its too late.

Lovedyoumore posted 9/30/2013 15:43 PM

Not a WH, but as someone on SI said and hit the nail, privacy in a marriage is for your bathroom visits. Once you committ to one another every thing else is open to each other. That includes phones, email accounts, computers, and all other communication unless he is in a high level of secret goverment clearance. But even then, personal is still open.

If you are not able to committ to that level of intimacy, do not get married. If you are already married and all of a sudden you need secrecy and privacy from your spouse, you better look at what you are doing. Big alarms and bells should be going off in your head.

authenticnow posted 9/30/2013 15:52 PM

(seriously mods?).
Yes, seriously Merlin.

We have guidelines for a reason and they are quite clear. If you have a problem with them, PM a moderator (instead of ignoring the one I sent you), or find another place to post for support.

Thank you.

fourever posted 9/30/2013 17:19 PM

I know you wanted WS's, but here I am anyway with my 2 cents.

((Faithful)), clearly he hasn't or won't stop until you make him stop.
WTF! He's lost trust in you! He is kidding right!! Unfortunately, he wasn't.

For you:
That means not wavering from a line in the sand.
And that means, that you are willing to give up the marriage if he refuses.

You registered Aug, 2011, two years ago. And here you are still, with un-remorseful, dishonest WH.

You are faithful, but he is not. How long are you going to live this way?
You know we will support and stand by you for anything you decide to do. Please go find the life you deserve. And you do deserve it.

sisoon posted 9/30/2013 17:25 PM

I need help what to say next time he brings that up....

How about, 'The best defense is not a good offense. A good offense is just offensive. End of conversation.'

PeaceLove187 posted 9/30/2013 17:45 PM

Lord how I wish I had the hours back that I spent arguing with nonsense. If he wants to blame you for finding his sins, step away from the madness. Do not engage. He knows he's feeding you bullshit.

nowiknow23 posted 9/30/2013 17:50 PM

Honey, he DOES get it. He's not an idiot. He knows. Bottom line? He doesn't care. He keeps showing you that he doesn't care and that he's going to continue to do whatever he wants.

You can't R all by yourself.

Broken1Again posted 9/30/2013 19:12 PM

Where is the like button?????????????? Really!!! Cause this needs to be "liked" a million and one times!

I felt like this when I was still lying.


This is your answer exactly from a WS mouth. End of story. He is still lying now you need to figure out what you're going to do about it?

ETA: my WS does this to me all the time. I think it's more cruel then the actual cheating.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 7:14 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

emotionalgirl posted 9/30/2013 22:22 PM

When my WH was still lying to me he would say the same thing..." I don't trust you because you go through my stuff" or " its bullshit that you check up on me and follow me on my phone". He kept turning off the find my phone. Once the lies stopped, and the A was truly over, suddenly he has no problem handing me his phone or tossing it to me to see who just texted. He also turned on the find my phone app all by himself with no prompting.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but....Defensiveness and getting angry at you is his way of projecting his wrongs and his guilt onto you. It's like the whole "if you weren't such an awful wife I wouldn't have to cheat on you".


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