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Is he really trying?

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mellie99 posted 9/30/2013 15:51 PM

Finding myself becoming increasingly frustrated with my WH. I've been gone from our home for a little over a month now and our child is due in a little over 5 weeks. He has been very inconsistent when it comes to our communication and his actions: one day he's all about R and other days everything is my fault and I'm being inconsiderate of HIS feelings.

As I previously mentioned, our 1st child is due very soon. Since I have been pregnant, he has only attended 1 appt (work obligations), has bought absolutely nothing for him or asked me what he needs, forgets half the time what MONTH I'm due in nevertheless the date, and he refused to discuss picking a name even though he told me I promised him he would get to chose...he didn't see the point in doing it beforehand. Right after I left he made a new bank account and has had all incoming paychecks routed directly to him (I'm not currently working because we just moved to a new state due to the military) yet he has continued to spend from our joint account, meaning I have no access to incoming funds. Luckily I managed to squirrel away some money right after leaving because he has tried to remove me from the account before when he got angry (he has issues with control/emotional abuse). I've been living off that money and haven't touched our joint account, yet he keeps trying to tell me somehow we're struggling financially when he's had access to over $6000 in the past month just for him and our bills (some of which don't even exist anymore because he cancelled them, and even then they weren't even a 3rd of that amount). Today he keeps telling me that I'm keeping him from having any involvement in our child's life, yet he has not once taken the initiative to do anything for him on his own because he's "too busy".

He says he's still seeing a therapist which I appreciate but I'm really growing weary of this whole attitude he seems to have that he's the only one suffering. I have not asked him for anything since I left, though I do intend to send him something formal in writing shortly so there can be no argument about what I'm requesting and why. I'm still trying to come to terms with not only acknowledging the fact that I had to tell my family that my husband has cheated on me multiple times over the years, but that I like an idiot am now having his child. I have to live with knowing there is someone inside of me that is going to be depending on me at the end of the day, and because dad's not around it's all MY responsibility. I have to live with the hurt of not knowing whether or not I have a home or a marriage to return to, whether or not I'll ever sleep in my bed or see my dogs again, and yet somehow in his eyes I'm the selfish one that has nothing to worry about. Leaving him was not an easy decision, and yes I feel a lot of guilt for leaving all the things I was responsible for in his lap but now he's finally beginning to realize that maybe life WAS better when I was around. I'm not trying to play the victim here because clearly I didn't have well-established boundaries and that's why he thought it was okay to do what he did but I am so tired of having everything thrown back in my face like I'm here on vacation or something while he's slaving away being miserable. So my question is: should I just go to NC at this point? Is this my sign that maybe I need to do a 180 and just forget about him? I've been trying to keep contact between us minimal but at the same time feel like it's somewhat counterproductive to trying to fix things if I continue to ignore him. I could really use some advice right now...thanks in advance.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 3:54 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

fourever posted 9/30/2013 16:23 PM

OK. Deep breath, for both of us!
No, He's not. to answer your question.

I was married to a man who sounds just like your husband. (first marriage). Please do not go back until you "see" the positive change in him from LOTS OF THERAPY!
He is still attempting to control you and your moves. Do not let him do this. I can tell you first hand, that from verbal, emotional abuse, comes physical abuse. He has to fix this.

Now, very smart putting some money away. However, time to protect yourself and precious baby, right away. I would see an attorney, if only just to find out what your rights are. And, take that joint account, at least for a while. He's beginning to cut you off financially, and I fear, he may have already done something with that.
You can give it back or split it when the attorney tells you what is legal for you to do. Just don't wait for it to be gone.
Just because you talk with an attorney does not mean you are filing for a divorce. Just wanted to clarify.

I don't know the facts about his A, but doesn't sound like he's done much about fixing that either.
Selfish, entitled, controlling and most certainly more important than you and the baby….. Is that hitting a nerve? WTF, his pregnant wife can move out and be cut off financially because you're inconsiderate? Seriously?! Did he trip and fall into that vagina?

Insert your foot up his ass, perhaps that will loosen his head in there. This is not a game, this is your life and the life of your baby.
Couples can survive from this, but both have to work at it, and he betrayed your marriage, you didn't.
He doesn't get a pity party, he brought this on himself and he needs a huge reality check.
Ask him if he loves and wants to stay married to you? And how he plans to help fix the problems in your marriage.
Go from there.

Sorry if a rant, just pisses me off!!
I really hope you can work this out, but be strong, and take care of YOU!

thisissogross posted 9/30/2013 20:30 PM

((mellie)) I'm really sorry you're dealing with all this. I read some of your other posts and this sounds like a bad situation.

As far as whether he's trying, it honestly doesn't sound like he's trying hard enough. R is extremely difficult and takes YEARS and it sounds like, at a minimum, he's being very insensitive to those facts.

I'm glad you have family to turn to for support and agree that it's time to speak with a lawyer. Some stuff he said to you sounds like he has something in the works (as in, what if he's moving funds around on someone's advice? That's serious business he's up to there) and you need to protect yourself and your child.

In the case that he is serious about r, watch what he does (from a safe distance) for quite some time before you commit to anything. I will be thinking of you and wishing you and your baby the best.

Eta: hit send way too soon, sorry

[This message edited by thisissogross at 8:42 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

mellie99 posted 9/30/2013 20:46 PM

Thank you both for your feedback. I did actually speak to a JAG (military lawyer) a few weeks ago who advised me that because we are still married that he is still responsible for providing for us financially and covering our medical insurance. The amount he quoted to me that I am entitled to is actually $500/month more than what I intended to ask for. I will be presenting this to my WH in writing within the next few days and if for some reason he refuses, I will have to take the matter up with his commander who can force him to do so. I just feel somewhat stuck because when I try to cut off contact with him he antagonizes me and seems to try to drag me back in or accuse me of not making an effort to R. I just don't like talking to him because it rarely ends well. I don't think it's fair for him to say because I physically left that if we don't get back together it will be my fault when he removed himself emotionally years ago (or at least his actions suggest as much). Just trying to stay focused on my health and this baby right now, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard.

[This message edited by mellie99 at 8:27 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

fourever posted 10/1/2013 08:23 AM

Ignore him. He's just saying what will hurt you. He's an emotional bully, and you should go to his CO.
This is one of those times when I recommend you get out of this one. I'm not seeing a very happy future for you with this guy. I'm sorry. Stay strong.

callmecrazy posted 10/1/2013 08:46 AM

Many of us were in the situation where it was all our faults and we can provide you with help. Do get access to money and in the event he decides to R (no he is not really trying, he is blameshifting and trying to make you compliant to his wishes), make sure you have continued access to money and how things are spent.

If you can get into IC it can help. It is important you do no start to believe this is because of you or all the things he is accusing you of. In no way is taking all of the money away from your wife and child and not knowing the due date even acceptable. Men who are oversees on duty watch the birth of their children on a computer becuase they are good husbands/fathers. They are present even though they are busy and away.

Keep reminding yourself that your expectations are not to high, you are trying and he must show you he has changed, you do not have to accept the crap sandwich he is trying to get you to eat. You deserve better and now, so does your baby. I hope he takes your contacting an attorney and taking care of yourself and the baby seriously and shapes up before he loses it all. Because men that are "too busy" tend to stay that way and never have good relationships with their kids. (((mellie99)))

TrustGone posted 10/1/2013 11:56 AM

No, he is not really trying and I think you know that yourself. He is still being the same egotistical man he has always been. He is doing nothing but blameshifting and you are trying to make yourself believe it. Now is not the time in your life to be having to deal with this type of shit and you know it. I am so sorry e is doing this to you. He has cheated on you before, but now he is cheating on himself if he thinks he can continue to make a marriage work with his attitude. I am glad that you are presenting him with paperwork and you need to stick to your guns. I know it is hard to do, especially being so close to delivery, but you have to do this for you and your child. You child deserves to be your top priority right now and it should be his too.

mellie99 posted 10/1/2013 22:18 PM

I just went back and read the very first post I made here at the end of June; can't believe that things went south so quickly in less than 2 months. Shaking my head at the fact that you guys tried to warn me (thank you) and I didn't listen. However, between rehashing the past and your current comments, I think this was the wake up call I needed. I think it's time for a 180 and a possible return to NC between us. Remembering the crap he put me through just a few months ago before I left makes me realize that things really aren't going to change unless I MAKE them change, so it's time for me to step up to the plate. Thanks again for all your help and support.

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