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Want to tell him to move out

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mainlyinpain posted 9/30/2013 16:25 PM

Recently had 4th dday where he tells me that an added component to his staying in contact with her was that she started him on cocaine, that after the third dday he stayed connected so he could buy from her and that they actually just talked and didn't meet. Still ended his convos with her with I love yous though, and still talked not just to arrange purchases. Had his brother confront him today.
I have been supportive of him getting help.
WH was just an ass to me on the phone!
I want to tell him to pack up and move out tonight.
Is this right? He is scared of the road to come, taking this crutch out of his life. But he has been using (occasionally he say) for two years, connected with he for two years and it didn't start with the cocaine, it started with him needing wanting attention from her. The one he had a five year affair with ten years ago.

I am traumatized. I want to be a good person. I want to be supportive of someone's need to recover...but he was just an ass on the phone? WTF There is nothing left in my emotional well, it is dry.
His brother focused on the cocaine and this contact with OW is now insignificant....and he gets compassion and pity and attention and I am left with...
an asshole on the phone.

He was short and curt and there was no compassion for was all about how he had to endure his brothers censure and how he was so overwhelmed already at work and that if I had nothing good to say he had stuff to do. Nothing about me and how I feel.
Nothing about how he recognizes the mess he has made...nothing to get me through the day.

I want to tell him to pack his stuff and get out. I don't care where he goes (but I really do damn me).

Am I really just supposed to give all to him and his bad choices? And not get back loving gratitude but irritation and shortness?

I am beyond frustrated.

Skan posted 9/30/2013 16:32 PM

Hefty bag his shit and throw it out on the lawn. Call his brother and tell him that he has a houseguest for the unforeseeable future because you aren't putting up with your WHs crap for one more moment.

That ASS lied to you, cheated on you, got himself addicted to drugs, and is now snapping and snarling at you because of HIS bad decisions. FTG!

See a lawyer tomorrow as well. Your WH doesn't deserve you.

HurtButHopeful? posted 9/30/2013 16:36 PM

I'm so sorry you are back at square one, again. I read your profile, and it appears as if your WH is not repentant, and you will continue to live in A hell.

I rarely encourage D, as I strongly believe in working it out, as long as the WS is repentant. Here's my take on your situation, FWIW:

The only chance your WH has at getting a rectocraniotomy (get his head out of his arse) is if he has to smell the roses. 180 him, kick him out, and move on with your live. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

fourever posted 9/30/2013 16:43 PM

Forth time's the charm!

Skan is right on with this one. My sentiments exactly. Except, why should you put it in bags?

He's had more chances than he should have gotten already. Take some firm action, and mean it. You have too, to save or end the marriage. His choice now.

[This message edited by fourever at 4:44 PM, September 30th (Monday)]

mainlyinpain posted 9/30/2013 17:01 PM

Everything I read about addictions over the last two days since finding out says to not lecture them, be understanding, show loving support...

But nothing about when adultery or ea or ps or combo is involved.

No book on that.

There has to be something else to do other than give give give to them.
Or can you just not expect anything from them, does it have to be all about them and you (me) just continue to be a doormat? What is the good person thing to do while still respecting yourself?

hathnofury posted 9/30/2013 17:33 PM

There has to be something else to do other than give give give to them.
Or can you just not expect anything from them, does it have to be all about them and you (me) just continue to be a doormat? What is the good person thing to do while still respecting yourself?

The answer is boundaries. The problem is many people don't know the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. The difference is a boundary is what you need to stay in the marriage/in the house during separation/etc (There must be NC for me to stay in the M, because I won't stay in a marriage without respect and safety) and an ultimatum is a threat (if you break NC, I will throw you out). It gets confusing because consequences of breaking boundaries are often similar to what we would say in delivering an ultimatum (because you broke my boundary of NC, we can no longer stay in the same home. You must leave.)

But back to the OP, I'm with Skan. Time to Hefty his crap. 4th DDay, and drugs are involved? That's what I call fourth down and punt.

headdesk posted 9/30/2013 17:34 PM

1. You can't change his drug habit, he has to want to. He doesn't want to.

2. 4th time? Yeah, that's a scary pattern.

3. The kids. A lot of the time we stick around our spouse for the kids, but in the case of them being exposed to drugs/behaviours of addictions? That's scary. Do what you need to do to secure their safety. That doesn't always mean D, but if he has no interest in changing...

I agree - I also would pack stuff for him, change the locks and leave it at that. If he comes into the home that is just that much more trauma that you'll have to deal with, on top of the issues that he may take stuff you don't want him to or destroy stuff if he's that type. Get some friends if need be and make it all happen when he least expects it to keep you safe. Also consider getting temporary emergency custody of the kids, based on drug habit.

Big hugs.

self-rescuer posted 9/30/2013 17:46 PM

He needs to be out of the house - now.

You've more then met your obligation and he continues to bruise your dignity. He should be working HARD to regain your trust. Nothing nasty should ever come out of his lips.

I kicked XH out 6 weeks from d-day. It was a knee jerk reaction to cruel things he had said in MC. It was wildly impulsive but without a doubt the best the decision I ever made!!!

naivegirl posted 9/30/2013 17:47 PM

This is why friends of mine weren't able to reconcile. All the time and energy went into healing the addicts addiction and the BS could never really heal from the betrayal because his wayward was focused on healing herself. I think infidelity is hard enough to heal from when your spouse is doing everything to support you. Putting an addiction into the mix is something I couldn't deal with.

mainlyinpain posted 9/30/2013 20:51 PM

No little kids to have to worry about. My son is away at school, thank god.

WH didn't contact me all day, didn't call me before coming home from work, as he usually does, ignored me when he came in and apparently has gone off to his usual Monday basketball game.

I would have listened if he came home and apologized and explained, but to be ignored, to start a possible shunning period is indescribably painful.

I called his cell the minute he left and told him to tell his brother what he wanted me to pack and I would have it on the front porch. Then hung up.

I am awaiting his reaction which will probably be to just come home and ignore me.

If so, tomorrow the locks get changed.

Sorry. Feel bad, want to nurture and love but have to have something in me answered and filled to do that.

Part of me believes that this is just what he wants.

You are all right,
self-rescuer, that is it exactly it, my dignity is bruised.
At this point I can't even describe what I feel anymore. It's like "use your words MIP". I feel so much and so many things at so many times I am overloaded.

I want to stop the fear.
Fear he is cheating, lying, using, fear Ow is going to come at me and shoot me or is just somewhere laughing at me and my naivete.

exhausted lady posted 10/1/2013 00:50 AM

OMG honey.....4th time and he's using (and being an ass to you as well!!!)

It's time to bounce his butt off the curb. Don't pack his shit for him. Throw it out the front door and let HIM sort it out. He's used and abused you for long enough. You're not his mommy and he's a grown man (or should be). Let him sort out his shit.

You don't need this, and (quite honestly) you don't need him. An abusive, addicted, lying, cheating H is like having an anchor around your neck. You'd be amazed at how much lighter you'll feel a few weeks after he's gone.

Please don't put up with this crap for another single minute. What (if anything) is he bringing to the relationship other than lies and pain? I think you can do better without that in your life.

shiloe posted 10/1/2013 07:38 AM

Hefty bag his shit and throw it out on the lawn.


Don't let him drag you down into the gutter with him.
4th time!, really?, you know that he is emotionally abusing you (possible physical abuse with STD's)

Fourever -

Except, why should you put it in bags?

tushnurse posted 10/1/2013 08:38 AM


You need to get him out of your house, and your life for the time being. He is clearly deluded into thinking you will be more than happy to tolerate anything he says or does.

I honestly am not convinced about the cocaine, but if you have certain carreers it is your responsiblity to throw someone who is known to be using out of your home, and not associate with them. So don't feel guilty, PROTECT YOU!!!! He certainly isn't doing that for you.

If he really is addicted, and this isn't a once in a while, thing, then you have an incredibly hard road to go down if you still are considering R. First he has to deal with his addiction, and if he is unwilling to, there is NOTHING you can say, or do to convince him otherwise.

Get yourself to an attorney pronto, and find out what your financial rights are, because if he is using, sister he is going to burn through savings, retirement, and assests at a pace that will make your head spin. File now, if for some reason he has an epiphany, and awakens to be remorseful, and wanting to get clean, you can put the brakes on, but for now, you need to protect yourself, and your kids.

Getting to Happy posted 10/1/2013 11:39 AM


You already know the answer...

But nothing about when adultery or ea or ps or combo is involved.

No book on that.


Because this situation is untendable.

Let him go. Pack his his crap in some bags and toss them into the yard. (get some of that anger out!)

What a self absorbed, sorry assed jerk!

And remember don't change the locks, add one. So you don't get in trouble with whoever in the hell says you can't change the locks on anyone who is on title.

Both the front and the back door!

Sometimes when you have been around someone for awhile they will take you for granted. And now that he has made a mess he expects you to eat his shit while he swings out of control.

Don't let him take you down to chaos. Like one of the posters tag line: Chaos isn't a place...its a ladder.

Enough is Enough!

Ditch this loser. Use the ladder and climb out of Chaos. The universe has more in store for you.

I promise

kansas1968 posted 10/1/2013 11:45 AM

I agree. It is time for him to go. You should not feel the least bit guilty. He has chosen to betray you for years, he chose to do cocain, he chose to have affairs, he chose this and is not remorseful at all.

Get this stress out of your life and start living for you. Become selfish. You deserve to be. You have worried about him for long enough with no appreciation. Not it is time to worry about you. Get to an attorney, get it done, and move into a much more peaceful existenct. Hugs and best wishes on your journey.

alphakitte posted 10/1/2013 11:47 AM

Has he done anything about rehabbing his addiction, or his cheating?

I mean DONE anything.

Any answers for you are in what he is doing, and not doing.

Josephine01 posted 10/1/2013 12:16 PM

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom in order to see the mess that they are in.

You may think letting him lean on you and treat you like this is helping him. It hasn't worked. You are still sad, he still cheats and is an addict.

I feel for your situation, I am a giver myself, but you cant do this to yourself anymore and it just may help him to stand on his own two feet. He will prob. get worse for a while then he could see the light and get better.

But you need to work on yourself. lean on us. and let him work on himself. ((HUGs))

1Faith posted 10/1/2013 14:28 PM

DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013

I am so sorry that you are here and that you are hurting. I am.

Look at your DDays. How much is enough? Only you can answer this for you.

Logically, you know you need to cut him out of your life.

He has not changed or faced his behavior because he has not had to. You have taken him back every time.

All he is supplying you with is excuses, lies and more lies.

There is no remorse in him, no remorse in his behavior, no remorse in the pain he has put you and your son in.

You can not cure his addiction. You can not cure his addiction to infidelity. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. This has nothing about you being a good person (you are) but it has to do with wanting a better, more stable life for you and your son. You owe your son a better existence than this, you do.

You CAN define your boundaries and say NO MORE.

It ends when you say it ends. You have the power to move forward to something better, real, and safe.

Praying for strength and courage for you.

Good luck and God bless.

mainlyinpain posted 10/1/2013 14:34 PM

Thank you all for your replies. I am so, so grateful to have you to lean on.
He is just ignoring me as I am him. I am sure in his mind he will fault me for not being all giving to him with his new revelation of his new problem. I in my mind (the better one) think he needs to approach me and tell me what the hell is going on and that he worships the ground I walk on. Don't think that is going to happen soon.
Yet, I am a wimp and have not taken any action. I have been focusing on myself, making some doctors appts for checkups that I have been putting off as I focused on his drama. I have been having pain in my arms and numbness in my fingers for a couple of months now that I bought a couple of wrist braces for to be able to function. Need to really find out the problem.
I put a call in to his psychiatrist to see if he could give me a heads up what what direction he is going in.
I know I shouldn't, but I feel bad, feel like I should be doing something for him. I know I know. I have that 2 x 4 in hand and am hitting my head right now. But i need to take little steps.
It is beginning to sink in finally that I know nothing, nothing for certain. The lying has been so pervasive that there is no one thing that I know for certain, especially not what she really is to him.
His brother told him they are codependents. That was a new idea for me.
I was believing that there has been no sex since 2004, that they were using each other for a mutual admiration society, that she was using him to get money by selling him drugs, but I still see that he has feelings for her and can't let go, still thinks it is great how she makes him feel.
But I realize that no matter what the connection was or is or will be, even if there was no sex since 2004 and just conversation as he says since 2011, this is not acceptable.
What a waste of my life this has all been.

mainlyinpain posted 10/1/2013 14:36 PM

Thank you 1faith.
I am not sure what remorse is anymore, what it would look like.

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