SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

topperoff22 posted 9/30/2013 17:13 PM

Just thinking of all the things I do not know about this affair.
I really feel like I am flipping out right now.

What they talked about all the time on he texting and calls.

Who suggested the sex the first time, or if I go by his story, the one and only time.

What he said about me (he claims nothing).

IF there was any guilt after the sex (I know there wasn't on her part...she's a bitch. I've been following her on Google Plus lately)

Honestly...I'm not sure I can take much more information. I'm falling apart either way.

I don't know what to do anymore. HE says he's told me everything but I know he hasn't.

headdesk posted 9/30/2013 17:24 PM

Yeah, I was right there just a few days ago. Talked to people here about snooping,everyone said if my gut (and red flags) said something else was up, to do it.

I found out there was a LOT more. You can't heal from stuff you don't even know about. I'm not sure where me and my husband are going to end up yet but I can tell you that getting the whole story has hurt more in the short but been such a difference in the long.

Pacman posted 9/30/2013 18:01 PM

I feel for you, not knowing what exactly happened just drives you nuts. Then you start thinking are there "others" you didn't find out about. How far did she go, was it just texting and phone sex, could they have hooked-up while I was out of town, how many times, how many guys, does she feel anything about what took place, who's she with on the computer or cell texting, does she really care or is she just putting on a face. These questions have been driving me crazy over the past few days, I can't seem to get them off my mind. I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I can do is feel for you. Try to get out with some friends, away from this garbage and do something fun. Maybe make him wonder where you have been, I'm not saying do the same thing but it wouldn't hurt to let his imagination run wild!

Junebug0525 posted 9/30/2013 19:01 PM

I've been divorced now for almost 3 years. I still never got the answers. It's not important now, but back then it drove me nuts. Prepare yourself to never get the answers you're looking for...

topperoff22 posted 9/30/2013 19:48 PM

I don't know how else to snoop honestly....he's opened all his devices up to me but only after he wiped them all clean. I have an old iPhone that he set back to factory settings. He bought a new one and then told me it would be open whenever I wanted to see it. I appreciate he is trying to be more transparent but stuff just doesn't add up. He won't tell me anything about when they had sex and claims they never spoke about it afterwards, but he carried on another six months with her and started buying her gifts, etc. I want to know what they said afterwards and what she said. I have seen her stuff on FB and Google Plus I know she didn't keep her mouth shut about it and I know it was a running joke between them. Why the hell can't he just be honest with me?

Nd2clmdwn posted 10/1/2013 06:15 AM

He is afraid to be honest with you because he is being selfish and trying to protect himself from further pain and humiliation. He doesnt want to have to go through the process of facing the consequences of your reaction to the truth. My husband did the exact same thing. I begged him to tell me the entire truth end he swore he had told me everything. I had to snoop into his facebook email account to find the actual truth. I confronted him and only then did he admit it, said he was trying to protect me! HA! what a joke! He was trying to save his own ass! I know exactly what you are feeling, rage, confusion, humiliation, despair, sadness, hopelessness.

wewillmakeit posted 10/1/2013 15:06 PM

Nd2clmdwn got it right:

He is afraid to be honest with you because he is being selfish and trying to protect himself from further pain and humiliation. He doesnt want to have to go through the process of facing the consequences of your reaction to the truth.

My wife was the same. My IC told me that I would never know "everything". Even if she shared all the facts she could remember I wouldn't know what she was feeling at the moment they were doing it, how many times they kissed (it was over a 6 month period), everything they told each other, etc. He suggested that I accept that I would never know every detail but that I knew enough. I knew they had sex more than once, I knew she enjoyed it, I knew that she believed she was in love with him.

The underlying truth is - you were betrayed, you know that. The question you have to answer for yourself is -what do you want to do now, knowing that you were betrayed? Do you want to attempt to reconcile? If he is now NC with the AP, and if he is remorseful, and if he is empathic to your pain, and if he's willing to work with you on addressing issues within the marriage, and willing to work on issues he may have, then, at least, you have the viable hope of reconciliation and healing. Can you reconcile without knowing "everything" - yes you can. I did and most on this board have, because you will never get the entire story (maybe it happens, but it is rare).

jackfish posted 10/1/2013 15:11 PM

I accidentally came across over a thousand facebook messages between the two of them, and had a timeline and proof of the who whats whens whys wheres and hows. It angered me, but at least I had some answers/proof/clues that she would've otherwise lied about. If I hadn't stumbled across this evidence, I'd have been fooled for so long and probably feel like you all do. There's still a lot of unanswered Q's and things to piece together, but really, my care-factor is nearing zero.

1Faith posted 10/1/2013 15:34 PM

Sorry you are hurting topper. I am. Sending hugs.

My IC told me that I would never know "everything".

Exactly.

Just know that what they were saying to each other in person or via text was nothing but lies.

They weren't capable of having a honest conversation because they were too busy living in a fantasy land built on lies they both told each other and believed.

Secret, fun, thrilling...

Not reality, life, bills, kids, family, etc.

He hasn't told you everything but how much more do you really need to know? You know he cheated, you know he lied even after Dday #1 so what more do you need to know?

Remember this...once you do know something you can't unknow it...

Is he at all remorseful? Willing to do IC?

Yes, she may be a bitch but she isn't your focus. She isn't the one you took vows with, your husband is the one who broke your heart and your trust. Is the OW married? If so, tell her BH. He deserves to know.

Look to examine your WH actions and follow your instincts.

We are all here for you. Prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:36 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]