Today I felt better than I have in a LONG time, pretty much since it happened. I even felt like cleaning and I've kept myself busy nearly all day. I have to work tomorrow and WS messaged asking what I would be doing with the boys. I told him my sister would be watching them. I then let him know I spoke to my work to let them know what time I would be coming in. He suddenly got short on replies. Our oldest son was whining so I let him know I was going to give him a bath. He replied "why are you going to do that? don't you usually do that later in the evening? that makes no sense". Ugh I HATE when he does that. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong when I am not. It also makes me feel like I owe him so sort of explanation when I don't. So I let him know how it made me feel (something I am currently working on doing, expressing my feelings). He immediately called asking why I was being like that. So again I explained. Edit to add: He ended up being upset because I was too busy to talk. I just realized I left that part out. He shows it by getting short and making comments such as above.
I realized him doing that sort of thing, questioning what I am doing and getting upset because I am not constantly sitting around talking to him, is a trigger. I feel like if I don't "entertain" him enough then he is going to go off and find someone who does again. It's also part of my co-dependency. In the past I have put things off or worried if I didn't talk to him enough he would get upset. I finally spoke up and told him how I felt instead of worrying he would get upset.
Honestly, if he does go off and find someone else to do it then fine, that's on him. I'm sick of catering to him and feeling guilty when I don't.
[This message edited by cl131716 at 6:00 PM, September 30th (Monday)]
I feel the same as you if my WH feels like he needs that much validation then I'm locking the door behind him when he finds it elsewhere.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:17 PM, September 30th (Monday)]
After I stood up yesterday and told him I didn't like when he did that and how it made me feel he got very depressed. He told me he was afraid I was going to leave him when I finish school and he wishes I was the old me again. The old me catered to him constantly. The old me put aside her own needs and wants to make him feel important. The old me was a shell of a soul because I gave until I couldn't give anymore. It was never enough. So yeah the old me is gone and in ways I am starting to see his "mistake" as a blessing. My eyes are WIDE open now.
I thought he was joking because I'm normally a "please & thank you" kind of person, anyway. But he was serious. I was actually supposed to be aware of his every move & action, constantly looking for opportunities to thank him. If he told me that the meal I cooked was tasty and I thanked him (which is just good manners), but I didn't thank him in such a way that he felt properly thanked, then he'd be insulted and sure to not comment on any food I prepared for the next however many days/weeks until he thought I'd learned my lesson in gratitude.
It didn't go both ways, though. He did not thank me for each load of laundry I washed. Ever. Did not thank me for the individual stains or skid marks I got out of his underwear. Did not ever once thank me for supporting him during his many bouts of unemployment. Didn't thank me for breastfeeding & saving us thousands of dollars. Didn't thank me for homeschooling the kids. Didn't thank me for anything related to the kids. Nada. I thought that was okay, though, because I was trying to be a good wife.
Now I know that the inequality of this "I must appreciate him" equation was yet another red flag that I was married to a toxic NPD.
Our oldest son was whining so I let him know I was going to give him a bath. He replied "why are you going to do that? don't you usually do that later in the evening? that makes no sense". Ugh I HATE when he does that. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong when I am not. It also makes me feel like I owe him so sort of explanation when I don't. So I let him know how it made me feel (something I am currently working on doing, expressing my feelings). He immediately called asking why I was being like that. So again I explained.
^^This is also him being controlling! Xpos did this to me all.the.time. If I was cleaning, vacuuming, running hot water, MANY things, he would ask WHY I was doing this NOW, WHY I was doing this THAT WAY, WHY I was doing it THERE, MANY other questions that I had to answer to satisfy him. It got to the point that I only did things when he was NOT around, so he then started complaining to me and saying to others that I NEVER did those things! If HE didn't SEE it, it couldn't have been done! I really began to see this as controlling (but still didn't realize in my mind that it was that) and tired of explaining EVERYthing to him. Too late, tho. If I had sought IC while we were still together, I'm sure I would have been encouraged to do things differently, respond differently, or leave. Oh, how I wish I had defied him and gotten IC!!!!
I work full time and I need the time in my day to work. We have different days off so when he's off, he would love to be in constant communication. But I have a J O B and need to work. Because he has more downtime in his work day than I do in mine, I don't think he gets it.
Which is why he spent hours upon hours talking to the OW. He absolutely needs interaction to feel
NatureGrl-My Ws is not that extreme but I do hear "I don't even get a thank you?" "You didn't even notice that I did ____" "I thought it would be nice that I did ____ but you act like you don't even care" quite often!
Me, I HATE talking on the phone. While I was on bedrest with out daughter or when I thought he would DIE if I didn't talk to him I would stay on the phone for hours while he talked at me.
I had the brilliant idea to move closer to his work so he wouldn't die on the road and then I went back to work full-time. Guess what? He found some total loser who would talk to him ten times a day. He needed that constant validation and had some kind of addiction to talking on the phone all the time.
He's not like that anymore though. After DDay he woke up to a lot of things, and one of those things was that it was the need to feed his ego that made him feel like he had to have someone listening to him all the time.
I wonder if your WH is the same or if his is more a jealously/controlling thing?
I have to wonder if both my WBF and I talk throughout the day (so much) because we both worry (to a point) that if we aren't available to the other, maybe the other will get upset and find someone else. This is warped, but it is a trained reaction to being cheated on.
I've expressed this to my WBF, and told him I don't like this stress. I want to know that if I can't answer the phone, or respond to his text, that he won't go off and cheat again. I want my peace back! Yet, even with his reassurance, I don't feel it. There have been times where he couldn't reach me, and I've had to deal with his mistrust and anger. It's total crap. I never cheated on him, but we all know that a cheater usually projects his actions onto his partner.
I almost feel like I've been trained... how full of shit is that?!!!
[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:33 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
HE HAS to understand why he feels he needs the constant attention. HE NEEDs to figure out why as a grown ass man it's your job to entertain him, or validate him. That is stuff he should be doing for himself. Your own happiness is dependent upon you and you alone. If you aren't that way now, figure out why, and fix it.
You have the WHY, now he has to get the FIX. That's when things change, and relationships heal.
TrustGone-I told my WS the same thing. If it happens again I am gone. I noticed I started trying to entertain him more to keep him from straying....then I thought I don't have time for this crap! It's not my job to entertain him. I try to validate him in many ways but if it's not enough then oh well.
So been there. So done that.
I especially like how Mr. Selfish thought nothing of having you put off your son's bath until the evening so you could stay glued to your cell or computer entertaining him. Guess he never thought that maybe tonight YOU'D like to relax like he does every night, instead of spending your evening bathing your son and everything else you have to do to run the household.
No, it's the all about HIM show.
Too bad he couldn't actually be productive during all his 'down time' - like doing laundry, scrubbing toilets, food shopping and everything else YOU have to do on a daily basis.
Stop bending yourself in half trying to please him. All that does is satisfy HIS needs and make you have to work twice as hard at night making up for lost time for stuff you couldn't get done during the day. I doubt very highly he comes home and does 50% of the work you didn't get to do because you were too busy appeasing him for 8 hours during the day. Screw that. If he's not adult enough to find something more productive to entertain himself with at work that DOESN'T include cheating and sexting and all that bullshit, then that's on him, NOT you.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]