SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here's the story. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years. The first two were long distance, but we made it and I picked up everything, left my family and my new born nephew whom I love dearly, to be with her. Not 6 months later she told me she wanted to move 3 hours away to pursue her PhD. I never told her to stay, I encouraged her to go because "this isn't good for us, but it's good for you." So she went and I was heart broken. It felt like she was gone before she even left. She was so excited. All along I had saved for a ring, hoping she'd stay, like she said she was contemplating. Well right before she left I met a girl who was nice and invited me to church and seemed like someone who would listen, be a friend. I had no one to talk to. No one impartial. So I opened up and over 3 week we hungout 10 times or so. We kissed. She slept in my bed twice. We did not have sex. I finally broke it off with the new girl because I couldn't so that to my girlfriend, the girl I love with every ounce if my being. The new girl got pissed and found my GF on social media and told her everything. Some lies but mostly truth. I confessed to everything, told her the whole truth. Told her I was afraid, saw her slipping through my fingers. She was going to start a new life and I was left here alone. I admit my mistake and realize it was all my fault and am truly remorseful. She doesn't get it, but she feels sorry for me. She's extremely hurt, as can be expected, but for some reason feels bad for me. She said she needs time. She has since told her family. I am meeting with her parents next week and am going to tell them all. I love her, with every piece of my soul. She needs time and is three hours away. What do I do? What does what she saying mean? Is there any hope? I'm also seeing a counselor to find out why this happened. We've met twice. I couldn't take the guilt anymore I wanted to die. I know it may take years of tireless work to get it back, but I'm willing to fight. She says she can't imagine her life without me despite this, and that freaks her out. Is there any hope?

-TN Guy

[This message edited by TennesseeGuy at 8:35 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

Hello, and welcome to SI, TN Guy.

You've come to the right place to work through all of this. There are a lot of great resources in the Healing Library in the upper left. A really good thread to read is "Things that every WS needs to know", here in the Wayward forum. I'll bump that up to the top here shortly.

I think going to IC is a really good step in the right direction, too. Like you said, figuring out why this happened, so you can fix whatever part of yourself allowed you to do this.

There's always hope. Even if things get dire for your relationship, you have to hold on to hope for yourself.

Again, welcome. Others will be along with more advice as well.

Hi Tennessee,

Welcome to SI. Great step in coming here to work through this stuff.

Wanted to ask you a question. Did you tell your gf how you were feeling about her moving away? And if not then why not? Perhaps you were afraid of being vulnerable in your need for her?

Some places to start perhaps.

ophelia24, I did not. I was afraid of telling her and she leaving anyway. And I didn't want her to feel held back. I didn't want in 10 years, for her to look back and say what if... what if I got my PhD? She also always told me I was so constant, so steady. I knew that wasn't true, but when the woman you love tells you that, the feeling is indescribable. So I fought for that, to be her rock. I've since told her. I think a good, calm sit down would help. It's just tough with her being away. She's still really hurt too, she said she's not even mad at me, which is weird to her, she's just hurt. She understands that life is complicated and that she was difficult. I told her, all I had to do what say "Stay". Her response was that she was difficult about it too though. I think we both still love eachother and want to be with eachother for the rest of our lives, but the hurt right now is too real. I don't know how she gets over it and how do we start over? She doesn't want to relive this everyday, but I don't know how to have a "normal" conversation.

I was afraid of telling her and she leaving anyway

Fear is so common. It seems we are all frightened. It sounds here too that as your gf has this image of you as the stable/steady type, that for you to reveal your fears and hurt around her leaving, was to disrupt this idea of who you are. But as you say yourself, that is something you would like to be, but isn't the whole truth of who you are. Which means, you have been dishonest for awhile. So who is your gf loving? Do you feel YOU as you are is not OK?

You see, neediness is such a maligned way to be, no one wants to be accused of being Needy, but in a sense we all are. We want to love and be loved fully, we want compassion and kindness and to be close to the person we love. But all these things have been reduced down to being NEEDY. I will admit my neediness. I want all those things listed above and I'm not going to apologise for them, or push them away and pretend I don't. Because when we shove away a big part of ourselves, that is when we act out in destructive ways to soothe our need. Our NEEDINESS. Which sounds like what you ended up doing.

So the very thing that could have been spoken to her about honestly from the get go, and also would have allowed her to make a decision as to whether it is for her or not, was taken away by now having to deal with your betrayal. And the end result of this is that yes, she may very well end it. Which of course could have happened if you were honest with her about your feelings in the first place, but at least then, you would know you were being authentic and yourself, and given her the opportunity to make choices for HER life and future, and whatever the outcome, known you had acted with integrity. Of course these are things you will be becoming aware of, and hindsight is 20/20, but its important to know ourselves really well, especially for any future relationships, or mending the one we are in.

It takes courage to stand up for ourselves and ask for what we want. However, as a wise friend points out - the growth really kicks in when the answer is No.

I hope some or any of this makes sense. And as we say on SI often - take what you want and leave the rest.

Take care Tennessee.

I know, it was all dumb and derived from my fear, but it wasn't that I wasn't true. It wasn't that I hid who I was. I mean, we had a three year relationship that was great. There was just hurt and confusion that went unspoken, and I lost my sight. How do I communicate with her that I was hurt without sounding like I'm blaming her. I am not, this is not her fault at all. I just want it to be known, but not to be attacking.

[This message edited by TennesseeGuy at 8:20 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]