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Chapter 3 - Trigger!!

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SheHatesMe posted 9/30/2013 19:03 PM

My BGF and I were sitting on the couch tonight. I was reading her The 5 Love Languages. I had already read it and she asked that I read it to her. I made it to Chapter 3-Falling in Love. Dr. Chapman talks about the euphoric feeling of falling in love and all the exciting things two people experience after they first meet. Big mistake. My BGF ran to the bedroom sobbing that I had those feelings for my AP. I followed and tried to comfort her as best I could without touching her (she doesnít want physical contact from me right now). Sheís so lost and stuck. I want so bad to help her. My words are just words and she says Iím doing all Iím supposed to be doing according to all the things weíve read, but she doesnít see them working. We are 4 months from D day and only one month out from my last TT. I explain itís still so early on and even though she doesnít see them working, I am not gonna stop doing them. I made so many bad choices through this process and have finally got my head out of my ass. It may be too late, but I am gonna keep helping her heal as best I can until my final days.
Iím not sure why Iím posting this other than I feel stuck too on how to help her. I actually loved the book and really believe it to be helpful but now Iím afraid sheíll never pick it back up again. I guess Iím not asking anything specific but wanted to write. Iím trying to write more as I work on bettering myself, too.

Skan posted 9/30/2013 21:52 PM

Keep on reading. Keep on working on yourself. Keep on apologizing. Keep on showing her actions, vice words.

It is very early. When I was at this point in time from DDay, I had no barriers. No skin. No shields. Whatever flew towards me could not bounce off it sliced me, it cut, it pierced. When you've been flayed alive, it takes time to grow healthy skin back. For the scars to piece together. Until that point, even cool drops of life-giving water rip holes into you.

Give her that healing time and provide the balm of apology, hard work, actions backing up your words, and love. Lots and lots of love.

jo2love posted 10/1/2013 07:33 AM

It sounds like you are being very supportive and open. What she is feeling is normal. R is a not sprint. It takes time to heal. She is going to have up and down moments/hours/days. Keep doing what you are doing. It will help her heal and be able to trust again. Sending both of you strength.

bionicgal posted 10/1/2013 08:14 AM

Keep going!! Your steadfastness is what will wear away at the distrust.

Falling in love stuff is a HUGE trigger for me. I may never be able to watch another movie! Women are brought up to believe falling in love is sacred -- that it means something. Well, it does and it doesn't. Remind her that people think they fall in love with hookers, and phone sex people. People fall in love over the internet, for goodness sakes.

It is WHO you fall in love with that has the potential to make it sacred.

cantaccept posted 10/1/2013 09:47 AM

This chapter broke my heart to read with wh.

It reminded me of what it was like in the beginning of us.

I brought visions into my head of wh with her. Sharing those feelings with her.

It made me think, she is now the last person that he had that experience with. His last experience of that "high" will never, can never be with me.

Those special memories that we shared, talked and laughed about through the years, now will never be the same, now they hurt. We will never share those memories in the same way again.

Wh actually brought her to the places he brought me on our first dates. The places that we have reminisced about together. Now those memories are tainted.

It is a stabbing pain to realize that he shared those feelings, actually dated, he really had a girlfriend.

His last time of falling in love will never be with me.

Love her, apologize, cry for her. Make her feel like she is the most precious gift in your life.

I just know that chapter was terrible for me, trigged for days after, mind movies.

Guess my post kind of shows how much it hurt.

SheHatesMe posted 10/1/2013 10:52 AM

Thank you all for your responses. This really is heartbreaking to see how much she is hurting and know that I caused it all with so many opportunities to stop.

Bionicgal - I appreciate your advice on reminder her that people THINK they fall in love with other women. The truth is that I fell IN love with my BGF and just forgot what it was like because I stopped working at it.

cantaccept - Thank you for your insight as well. I'm sorry you had to and are still going through this horrible process. I too took our first date away. The sadness of it was I didn't realize that I allowed the AP to do this until my BGF brought it to my attention. I look back at my actions during the A and am shocked that I was so blind to reality and what the AP was doing and what I was allowing. My BGF and I agree that she was out to destroy our relationship and I provided her the ammunition to do it. Such a shameful act on my part.

My BGF is losing all hope.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/1/2013 10:59 AM

I had no barriers. No skin. No shields. Whatever flew towards me could not bounce off it sliced me, it cut, it pierced. When you've been flayed alive, it takes time to grow healthy skin back.

Isnt that the truth. Keep in mind that she is just now processing what you have known for much much longer. The WS has been dealing with the A in some way for so much longer than the BS.

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