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Is timing everything?

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vivere posted 9/30/2013 19:35 PM

So my husband has shown me that I truly belong here. To be fair, he showed me a long time ago but I was too hopeful, too clingy, too fearful of rejection to really see it. I've done a lot of reading and 'soul searching' and now I'm seeing and hearing his actions much clearer.

Over the last year and a half we have successfully maintained the charade of a happy marriage. (DS, 19, said recently when my husband and I were heading out to dinner - 'God after 20 whatever years married aren't you guys supposed to hate each other by now??' So I'm pretty sure he doesn't suspect separation or divorce). DD is nearly 16 - entering the last 2 years of high school. She adores her father and listening to her speak about friends whose parents have separated I know she thinks it is just awful. She has never asked for reassurance from us, I assume she too has never thought it a possibility.

So my question is...Has anyone successfully maintained the charade for a period of time? If so what was the personal cost to themselves and were there any negative outcomes for all involved?

kecampbe posted 9/30/2013 19:47 PM

I kept up the charade for a year and a half. I found about OW #1, moved to my mom's but didn't tell a soul. I kept it all in. I went back because surely he had learned his lesson and I dreamed for a better marriage with a better husband. Well, I wasn't back 2 monta before he started another affair with #2. I thought I was to blame and if I tried harder he would come around and see the error in his ways. I kept it all bottled in for another year. I went to counseling and al-anon but still didn't tell a soul. I still ha hope. I finally had enough and moved out. I still didn't talk about it for another month because people were catching on that something was off. I'm glad I worked through my feelings alone because it got me to my breaking point but I find that now when I tell people they think I just walked away without trying which couldn't be further from the truth. I have to explain that it is too late for counseling, too late for flowers, too late for lame apologies and that I'm walking away with my head held high knowing I went far and above or my marriage and husband.

vivere posted 9/30/2013 21:15 PM

I think living together now might be easier than it has been in the last 18 months because I no longer have that hope of R.

Providing I can continue to work on myself and stop investing in him, I think it's possible. I just need to know if I'm missing something big?

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