Can I make one suggestion? (Keep in mind I’m just a plain vanilla member here so mods step on my toes if this isn’t appropriate).
At the moment of writing this you have 7 posts in 5 threads – 3 that you started. Spreading your story over three threads makes it harder to get a good overview of what you are dealing with in order to help you. I suggest you select one thread for your story and stick to it. Makes it so much easier for us to offer advice based on the total of your situation and for you to find all the advice in one place.
The following advice is more based for your thread about this being all your fault but I’m posting it here because I believe this is probably the best thread for you to stick to.
I’m a former cop and one thing a veteran cop pointed out to me right when I started was that it was ALWAYS somebody’s or something else fault. So when I arrested someone for rape it was because she was asking for it. Burglary was always because he/she needed to feed their family. Battery was always because the other person was asking for it…
I guess that when one makes a mistake it’s always so much easier to point the blame at someone or something else. It’s easier for your wife to say “Pac – you got fat. Therefore I needed to sext with my old boyfriend” than to say “well – maybe I have issues with my limits”. Heck – we even have cases here on SI where people go through the hard work of R only to have the WS say “It’s a good thing I had the affair. Since then our marriage has improved so much”. Heck NO! Any work you do on a marriage can be done without infidelity kicking it off. So tell her: Me adding on weight might allow you to ask me to change. It might even allow you to reconsider being in the marriage. It might even be one reason you file for divorce. But it will never justify you sexting another man.
I now want to address your wife’s friend (she was in another thread you started):
You are perfectly in your right to tell your wife you don’t want her in your house. You are also perfectly within your rights to tell your wife what you think of the friend and why and ask that she stops socializing with her. If your wife doesn’t accept that then you are also perfectly in your right to tell that “friend” what you think of her.
I can relate to this problem because in my present (26+ years) there was a non-infidelity crisis that was stoked by my W good friend. She was encouraging my wife into a path that IMHO led her out of the marriage or at the least threatened our marriage. We had reached a point after +15 years where we took each other for granted, no romance, no work at finding common ground… Basically the issues many marriages stumble on if not tended to. My W friend suggestion was that she and W should go out more, party and spend more time together and away from me. At a point I told my wife that I felt this woman was not a friend of the marriage. That her advice was driving a wedge between us and that I would prefer she stay away from us and our home. When my wife didn’t agree then the next time this friend was at our house I simply – in a very calm and collected way – told her that for ME she wasn’t welcome in my house and then told her why. I told her I wouldn’t kick her out. That W could have her over for coffee and such but that she should know that for ME she wasn’t welcome.
Regarding the counseling.
In my first post to you (on another thread) I suggested you two read Not just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Do it. It’s cheaper at the moment than going to MC plus right now – while your WW doesn’t see her problem – a MC would most likely be focused on your faults rather than her boundaries.
I’m not saying don’t go to MC. Definitely recommend it soon. But now – just to get her started – get that book and get her to read it with you.
Doesn’t have time? Well tell her that a divorce or separation will fuck up her mid-terms faster than an hour a day reading and doing exercises together.
Finally: Is she sexting him on Facebook? Can you find his profile? Is he married?
If so then I would definitely let his wife know.