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Pacman posted 9/30/2013 21:29 PM

My wife doesn't seem to want to go to counseling. She says she is to busy for that now, granted she is busy with her midterms. We agreed to go into counseling after I said I would stay and work things out. I caught her on Friday sexting an old boyfriend, after further checking into this their was long phone conversations and pictures sent back and forth. Anyhow she agreed to end it, in her words "I broke it off with him". She doesn't think or won't admit that sexting is wrong or is cheating, she claimed no nude pictures where sent. I don't believe she has contacted him since she broke it off. I still love and and want this to work out, but I feel if I push the counseling issue to far then that alone could end it for us. Any ideas out there?

toomanyregrets posted 9/30/2013 21:31 PM

What your WW did was wrong.
What she did was cheating.
Why was she sexting an old BF in the first place?

headdesk posted 9/30/2013 23:22 PM

Hmmmm...she's too busy to spend time with you in therapy but she has hours to kill sexting?

One of these things does not belong.

I am just starting this road myself...found out 2 and a bit weeks ago about EA, a few days ago about PA. Came very close to kicking my WH out. He is very apologetic and mournful, has opened his phone and anything else up to me, has owned his part in this and has set up STD and IC for himself. He is sleeping in the spare room and will not enter the master bed or bath as I've asked for it to be my current sanctuary if I need to get away from him to grieve or whatever.

He sits and listens to my anger and frustrations and blames nothing on me. He makes the time. I'm still trying to figure out if we can get to a place where it will work, but had he not done all of that so far, we'd not even be here - he'd be living somewhere else.

Remember, it's not you that has to defend your actions here. Yes, we all need to work on our marriages, but this is a decision she made, not you.

Camalus posted 10/1/2013 07:31 AM

I think we make a mistake in differentiating between Physical Affairs, Emotional Affairs, Internet Affairs, Sexting Affairs, etc. The operative word is Affair and an affair is a betrayal.

IMO you might want to hold firm and insist your WW go into both IC and MC. She needs to determine why she can be so cavalier about sexting, not understanding the boundaries that should be in place in a marriage.

Bigger posted 10/1/2013 07:32 AM

Hey pac,

Can I make one suggestion? (Keep in mind I’m just a plain vanilla member here so mods step on my toes if this isn’t appropriate).

At the moment of writing this you have 7 posts in 5 threads – 3 that you started. Spreading your story over three threads makes it harder to get a good overview of what you are dealing with in order to help you. I suggest you select one thread for your story and stick to it. Makes it so much easier for us to offer advice based on the total of your situation and for you to find all the advice in one place.

The following advice is more based for your thread about this being all your fault but I’m posting it here because I believe this is probably the best thread for you to stick to.

I’m a former cop and one thing a veteran cop pointed out to me right when I started was that it was ALWAYS somebody’s or something else fault. So when I arrested someone for rape it was because she was asking for it. Burglary was always because he/she needed to feed their family. Battery was always because the other person was asking for it…

I guess that when one makes a mistake it’s always so much easier to point the blame at someone or something else. It’s easier for your wife to say “Pac – you got fat. Therefore I needed to sext with my old boyfriend” than to say “well – maybe I have issues with my limits”. Heck – we even have cases here on SI where people go through the hard work of R only to have the WS say “It’s a good thing I had the affair. Since then our marriage has improved so much”. Heck NO! Any work you do on a marriage can be done without infidelity kicking it off. So tell her: Me adding on weight might allow you to ask me to change. It might even allow you to reconsider being in the marriage. It might even be one reason you file for divorce. But it will never justify you sexting another man.

I now want to address your wife’s friend (she was in another thread you started):
You are perfectly in your right to tell your wife you don’t want her in your house. You are also perfectly within your rights to tell your wife what you think of the friend and why and ask that she stops socializing with her. If your wife doesn’t accept that then you are also perfectly in your right to tell that “friend” what you think of her.
I can relate to this problem because in my present (26+ years) there was a non-infidelity crisis that was stoked by my W good friend. She was encouraging my wife into a path that IMHO led her out of the marriage or at the least threatened our marriage. We had reached a point after +15 years where we took each other for granted, no romance, no work at finding common ground… Basically the issues many marriages stumble on if not tended to. My W friend suggestion was that she and W should go out more, party and spend more time together and away from me. At a point I told my wife that I felt this woman was not a friend of the marriage. That her advice was driving a wedge between us and that I would prefer she stay away from us and our home. When my wife didn’t agree then the next time this friend was at our house I simply – in a very calm and collected way – told her that for ME she wasn’t welcome in my house and then told her why. I told her I wouldn’t kick her out. That W could have her over for coffee and such but that she should know that for ME she wasn’t welcome.

Regarding the counseling.
In my first post to you (on another thread) I suggested you two read Not just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Do it. It’s cheaper at the moment than going to MC plus right now – while your WW doesn’t see her problem – a MC would most likely be focused on your faults rather than her boundaries.
I’m not saying don’t go to MC. Definitely recommend it soon. But now – just to get her started – get that book and get her to read it with you.
Doesn’t have time? Well tell her that a divorce or separation will fuck up her mid-terms faster than an hour a day reading and doing exercises together.

Finally: Is she sexting him on Facebook? Can you find his profile? Is he married?
If so then I would definitely let his wife know.