I'm trying to figure all this out and get over my 13 year relationship with MM.
It's only been 5 days since the A ended, but I'm having a rough time dealing with it. I'm thinking more about the OM than my H right now, and I don't know why.
I betrayed my H for a very long time, and I just don't understand why I'm not thinking about him.
It takes becoming transparent and open/honest with your husband.
You are going to feel this way until you get genuine remorse.
You are mourning a loss, but think about it, what did you really lose compared to what you took from your family?
"Your secrets keep you sick"
When I first came here I wanted someone to tell me "there there" and almost to support me in my mourning of what was my primary relationship (with my AP not my H). That didn't happen.
As FM puts it brilliantly:
For you he was your husband and your real husband became an acquaintance
Until the focus shifts onto what you've been neglecting rather than what you're losing things will be hard. But give yourself some time. One day at a time and it slowly gets better.
During my withdrawal (which is what you're going through right now) I posted "I wanted to sit around all day in my pj's, eating ice-cream and mourning my loss". It's how I felt at the time and I cringe that I ever said that.
My SI friends soon snapped me out of that one. It's a tricky topic.. can we mourn an unethical and wrong relationship? I'm not sure, we're human so I think perhaps feeling sadness after a loss is normal. Point here is to not allow it to stop you from moving on and staying stagnant AND to remind yourself that your double life was inauthentic and a betrayal.
My A lasted 2 and half years. It was stressful and anxiety provoking to say the least. I hardly ever slept and was nauseas most of the time. I had an inner turmoil that made me question the point of life quite often. The "good" bits were few and far between. The "good" bits were also a drug that I craved and chased.
Do you relate to any of this? Does any of it make sense?
You are suffering from withdrawal and rejection. It's going to take time and effort to move on.
I know it's extremely difficult to get the thoughts out of your head. I struggled with the withdrawal part of it for a long time. My AP didn't reject me. I ended the affair and came clean to my ex-wife. Despite doing that, I still struggled and eventually left my wife and went back to my AP. I ignored all logic and common sense. I eventually broke up with my AP again because I realized it was all just fantasy and not true love. It was wrong in every sense.
I think you're somewhat ahead of the game since your AP has rejected you. As painful as it is, you know you can't go back to him. Your only option is to move on. Whether or not you reconcile with your husband is up to you. But at least you know that going back to your AP isn't an option.
I'm sure you probably think there is still a way back to your AP. If only he could break up with this other woman and go back to you. Everything will be good again. But will it really? Knowing that he so easily replaced you with another woman, could it ever be like it was? You had no idea about this other woman, so he basically cheated on you. Do you think you could ever trust him?
I'm sure you know what you have to do. But wanting to do it and motivating yourself to do the right thing is difficult. Take it one day at a time. Start with mental no-contact. Stop yourself from thinking about him. Stop dwelling on memories. Stop reminiscing. When you start thinking about him, immediately think of something else. Force yourself to do it. It's the only way.
I'll bump Maia's Withdrawal guide. There are some good pointers in there.
You are suffering from withdrawal and rejection
Yep, just reverse the order. Rejection is beyond powerful!
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Mental NC is crucial. Keep a rubberband on your wrist and pop it HARD when your thoughts stray to AP. Someone here advised me to do that when I was struggling with withdrawal. It actually helped.
This WILL get better.
If you haven't told your BH all the truth you really need to. That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but it was the only was out of the nightmare. Do it! It is the first step to feeling good about yourself again and your only chance for a real and authentic, intimate marriage.
Good luck. Keep coming here and posting. You will get the support you need to get through this.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
here is my short version. 15 years ago I had a 3-4 month EA/PA. Got found out, went into R with my wife, but really didn't go mental NC, so in reality it was a false R - so 6 years ago when OW contacted me via email, I jumped back in to the EA. Sporadic emails, 2 dinners, me fishing to meet her more, and more. It was like going on a drinking binge every-time the emails started. So in linear time, my A was 15 years long (even though a large part was dormant)
was found out last year. Went NC right away, and have not felt anything for OW. Why? At first it was because of the pain I caused my wife, my kids, but then because of way i did to myself. I realized that I did not want to be that person anymore, even in my case that it was a dealbreaker for my W. I don't want to be that person for myself.
Until you feel remorse for what you did to yourself AND everyone around you, you will still fell that longing (IMO).
Have you told you H? Have you faced what you have done to him yet? Have you faced what you did to yourself?
Good luck, keep posting, keep looking into yourself.
Separated transitioning to D
I would have been better off having had a thousand one night stands than the one thousand day affair with one AP I did have.
I was also rejected (what an ego buzz kill) and "cheated on" with other men by my xAP.
As my brain chemistry and addiction/withdrawal pain and fog subsided (not a linear process!) I came to understand the gift my xAP gave me: showing me her true character (ie: severe lack thereof).
At that point I could begin to focus on what I should have all along: my own lack of character, my healing, my betrayed spouse, and our marriage.
Your xAP gave you a gift. You just don't know that yet. I hope in time you will.