SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm feeling like the worst mother on the planet about now. I had a really tough day. DS is getting his molars and is a whiny mess right now. He hardly slept last night either and I'm exhausted. I took the garbage out to the alley tonight and tripped over a giant tree stump that some idiot parked right behind my back gate. I bit it hard and am really scraped up. Then dd was extremely defiant about bedtime tonight and I seriously lost it.

I kept telling her to go to bed and she said "I want daddy to put me to bed", but in a really defiant, sassy way. I yelled back "your stupid dad left and isn't coming back here". Yes, I can't believe I said that. I've been so good about not bad mouthing him and being civil about the situation to dd. I lost my mind for a moment. I immediately apologized and told her that I was upset and that wasn't a nice thing to say. I told her that I had a bad day, but that I still shouldn't have said those things. She then said, "you are always that way though, mommy". It broke my heart, but it's true. My patience is thin these days. I know I'm often short with her. I'm realizing that the constant stress of the last six months is starting to catch up with me.

Once she got in bed, I laid with her and I just started to cry. She told me that she wished daddy still lived with us. I told her that I understood and that I am sad about it too. I told her I get upset sometimes because I'm getting used to him not living here as well and doing things on my own. I reassured her though that everything was going to be okay. That we might have sad times while were getting used to this, but that we would work as a team and make our family and home life good. I told her that I would really work on being more patient with her and listening to her.

She then went on to say that she was the only one of her friends that has parents in two separate houses and that made her sad. It's true of her closest friends, however I reminded her of two classmates that also have broken homes. I reminded her that she was not alone.

She then said, that she would rather have friends with parents in two homes like hers. This cut me like a knife. I also came from a broken home and never felt comfortable around kids from "good" homes. I always felt like I wasn't good enough and gravitated towards hurting kids like myself. I ended up getting into some trouble (sex, experimenting with drugs, etc) in my teens. I so don't want this for dd. I assured her that it didn't matter if her parents lived in different homes. That her friends accept her and love her no matter what. She fortunately attends a very small school and most of the families we have known since she was 2. We are very close and spend a lot of time together outside of school. We have even vacationed with other families. I assured her that she was lucky to have so many other families that love her too. I hope she realizes this.

Due to all of this, I f'ing hate the Gnat tonight. I wish him ill will. I want him to suffer severe emotional pain like me and his children have. What a selfish prick to walk out on your wife and two small children. He has no idea the damage he has caused. His head is so far up his ass he wouldn't care anyway.

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening.

((newlysingle))

I so get this... I have made the same speech in one of *those* moments. Four kids in the car, non-stop bickering, complaining, etc.. and I finally just yelled at them to stop. Just stop. Followed it up with a "we are all we've got. Your Dad is gone and he's not coming back. We must be good to each other." Suddenly, the car was silent and I had four scared little faces staring back at me. I felt awful about it.

I know there is a better way to handle it, but we are human, we are hurting and so are the kids. The next time I will find a gentler way to stop the mayhem and so will you.

Hugs to you .

(((newlysingle)))

You did really well talking to her about it. That goes a long way to helping her understand the situation.

I felt the pain in your words. I am sorry , but you did well . I feel the same and do the same. How can she do this to our kids and our family? Why? My kids are brainwashed when with her and say the same things . I am sorry and stay strong!

Newly single,

I totally feel your pain. I have been in this situation as well. It is so hard to keep it together, you are human.

They are going to be okay because you are going to be okay. You are strong and you are going to make sure it is okay for them. He did this, and you have to clean up the mess. It is unfair and it sucks and I am right there with you.

He won't take responsibility. He won't hear you. I am dealing with the same shit, mine basically tells me I am not being honest when I say the kids are sad, sick, upset. He is sticking to the story that they are fine and resilient and all will be okay because that is what he wants to hear.

I will go punch him in the face if you want, I think we might be in same state/city?

Thanks everyone. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

Sleepless, I'm in Phoenix. If you're here, you're welcome to punch the Gnat at anytime! He also insists the kids are fine and that anything that might be wrong with them had to be caused by me.

He also insists the kids are fine and that anything that might be wrong with them had to be caused by me.

Funny that my STBX has said the same thing, that our dd will be ok (without counseling) and that I am (continuing) to screw her up.

(((newlysingle)))

You did great! Try to remember anything from when you were five... I can't. What I do remember from childhood is how I FELT and the end result of how your DD felt is what you should focus on here.

It sounds like she was validated, heard, comforted, and loved. That is what she will carry with her.

I screamed several "not helpful" things at my kids in the aftermath. Forgive yourself and move on.

The Dooosh also declared that our children would be fine, they were resilient and would bounce back for this whole divorce thing.

Ha.

Haha! Yeah right. How's that working out, you ask? Oh, well neither one of our daughters will speak to him or see him. At all.

And our son puts on a brave face when he goes for his EOW visits, then comes home and melts down because of one thing or another (right now it's the fact that the Dooosh has finally- after 2 years- had the balls to bring his cow around my son. And told my 10 year old she was "just a friend" even though he had kissed her while he was still married to mommy- but he is reeeeeeallly sorry about that! {insert eye roll}

Talk about screwing up your kid! That was a fun week-- had to tell my kids things I never wanted to tell them about. (Which is just so stupid because it was only protecting the Doosh-- well no more of that!)

Anyway, I'm sorry your babies are hurting we've all been there and said/done things we later regret. You really handled it well by apologizing and talking with her about it. :)

Forgive yourself. You are only human and are doing your best to deal with a really hard situation.

I have done so many things as a mother I regret in the last year I can't even count them. Starting with just being sad.

In someways, the hardest part of the divorce has been how my DD, 9, has taken her anger out at me. And I haven't always reacted well. I posted here when I got so mad at her one night, I pushed her. And of course was horrified by my own behavior.

It does get better. DD isn't so angry at me any more and sometimes I think we are even closer than before her father left.