SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My story is a bit of a long one, and I don't have a computer, so it will all be typed on my iPhone. Please forgive any typos..

I broke up with my ex 9/11/2012. I met OP just after when i was basically speed dating while trying to distract myself from the break up. she was cute, but too quiet for me. sweet, but no attraction. A month after the break up, I met my current girlfriend, the WS. I was instantly and undeniably attracted, so I broke things off with OP. WS and I had a bit of a rocky start, with both of us going from hot to cold at a moment's notice due to each of our previous relationships. At the end of November, she said she didn't know what she wanted, so I told her to take time to figure it out. I would wait till New Year, and if I didn't hear anything, I'd pick my life back up where it'd left off.

A week later, just into December, she showed up at my door saying that she was sorry. She said she was scared and didn't know what was going to happen, but whatever happened, she wanted it to be with me. I welcomed her back with open arms and we grew closer and closer. Little did I know that in that week she'd met OP. as no more than a buddy at the time, but that changed.

I can't really say as to the progression of their relationship as I wasn't aware of it, but ours was only growing stronger, with the love and passion only building. I felt more confident in this relationship than I ever had in any previous ones. I trusted her completely, knowing 100% that, though we had our moments of uncertainty, things would work out, because we both made it clear that that's what we wanted. I felt desired and loved far more than I ever have previously.

On March 24, the day before I was to start a new job, I got a Facebook alert. It was strange because I keep my Facebook notifications turned off to conserve data usage. When I looked at it, I saw "WS and OP" checked in to "local cafe". I was a bit confused, I didn't have WS on my Facebook as I'm not an avid user, and only had OP because we never deleted each other after we stopped conversing. I had no clue how the two of them knew each other. I did, however, know that "local cafe" was a bit always from where OP stayed and right next to WS work. So I logged in. One message led to another. "I love you, WS" littered OP's Facebook. Early January I had dropped WS off at the airport to visit her mom in Canada. I was told her roommate would pick her up, but OP's Facebook told me otherwise.

I called WS, she didnt answer. I called and texted OP. told her that WS and I had been dating for months and that OP was welcome to her. OP got to WS that night. Her phone wasn't working so WS didn't know I knew until morning.

According to WS, it started as a friendship between two people with a lot in common, and OP developed feelings. It turned sexual, and OP started using the "L" word. WS said she didn't feel the same but cared about OP enough to respond likewise and spare her feelings.

After much pleading and begging, I agreed to take WS back, under the condition that OP disappear. That was early April. It's now the end of September, and only now has WS truly gotten rid of her, and only after many tears, screams, and walks out of the door from me. The entire road was full of Her: "I choose you, but I hurt you both. I can't hurt her more."
Me: everytime you let her stay, you ARE choosing her over me, because apparently sparing her further grief is more important than helping me and us heal. You haven't even told her we're still together. I don't have the luxury of ignorance! I get to see all sides!

It continued with frustration and sorrow from WS, and tears, anger, paranoia, irritability, and depression from me. We were bumpy, leaving eachother in the morning just to come back that afternoon.

Finally, on Father's Day, she deleted OP from Facebook and asked her not to contact her again. I felt pure and utter relief. We settled in to healing, sailing smooth. There have been a couple times where I've found out OP has contacted WS, but due to WS not replying, verified by my own snooping, I was able to move past then fairly quickly after chewing WS out for not telling me about them up front.

Right now, I realize I've come to a stand still. Due to all of the luring, the fighting, the covert affairs.. I'm just frozen in place as far as healing goes, and WS, bless her heart, doesn't understand half of the harm she does just by not paying attention. I want to save my relationship, but it's been a year-long battle, and for most of the year, I've felt like a one woman army.

Have you had a chance to get IC? I know that there are things that you need from WS that you're not getting from her, but I think that after a whole year of this its understandable that you're drained.

For me, having my own therapist is a chance for me to escape and get time to focus on my needs. Once I have those straight I'm better able to really see what I need at the root of things. I'm so fricken thankful I had a great relationship with my therapist before we launched into this whole A issue, because I'd be way more lost without that. Therapy has also given me a pretty solid core of myself - I used to beat myself up for everything. Now it's standing me in good stead, because I'm not questioning 'why I'm not good enough', etc. I'm still pissed and hurt and have spent entire days crying in bed, but I know it's not about me.

Best of luck and I hope you can take care of you a bit in there too. Hugs.

No, I haven't had a chance. I found out just before changing jobs, it was the last day of my 2 week notice. I'm just now eligible for benefits, and they won't kick in until next year. I did get back on my anti-depressants, though. I haven't been taking them for 2 years, but a call to my gp and he filled a script to last me until the new year.
It hasn't been all bad. We have our ups and downs. It just seems lately that our downs are really down. Everything WS does that shouldn't be that big of a deal hurts about 3 times more than it should. I don't feel respected or treasured, and I haven't since DDay. She's trying, but I feel like it's my fault, like I'm being stubborn about it. But is love to feel secure again. I know we've been dealing with this for half of the relationship, and part of me wonders if I can ever truly let go.