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Why do I keep regressing?

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Scubachick posted 10/1/2013 01:29 AM

My husband is doing everything right for over 3 months now. The problem is me. He deserves to be forgiven. And I want to forgive him so badly. At times I thought I was starting to. I know I've made some progress in moving forward because I stopped obsessing over his cell records. I stopped drilling him for details. I stopped asking the same questions over and over. I no longer worry that they are communicating behind my back. I could go days, even a week at a time without talking about it. Jealousy and insecurity became my biggest obstacles. Triggers seemed to set me back every once in awhile but now when they hit, they are bad and it sends me back so far that I'm back to arguing about the details of texts between them and refusing to accept that he didn't have any real feelings for her. The anger is back. We're back to arguing about details that won't change the outcome anyway. He flat out asks me what I need from him to feel better and I can't tell him. If he says he sorry for what he did one time I'm going to snap. It's like He thinks because he's sorry and does everything right now that should take away the pain. It doesn't. I feel myself falling apart. The pain of the betrayal and all the lies has changed who I am. I no longer like myself. I am angry at myself for putting so much into one person. I was a very damaged 18 year old when we met. He helped me turn my life around and he's given me a life and opportunities I never thought was possible for someone like me. He was the only person in my entire life I felt loved by and safe with. The only male in my life that I could depend on and trust. I'm angry because the one that helped me build myself up is the same one that knocked me down 20 years later. I know it's wrong to think like this. He's human and makes mistakes. I believe he's sorry. I can feel it. He begs for forgiveness. I want to fix this but I keep getting in my own way. I even started taking things they said to each other by text and throwing it in his face again. That will get us no where. I'm just hurting so bad though and at the time it brings some relief to act out like that. I don't know what I'm doing anymore or even what I need from him.

[This message edited by Scubachick at 1:34 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

morethantrying posted 10/1/2013 01:45 AM

Not sure how long you have been in recovery, but for me after 10 months I STILL regress. My husband too is doing everything (now, wink) right...but I have triggers that are so hard to control and I regress...cry all day and find it hard not to feel angry all over again. It is my BAD WOLF telling me it is trying to "protect" me but in fact, it is only making me stay sad and preventing me from moving forward. One idea is to write yourself a note the night before (my therapist suggest this) and put good things about him, about yourself, a memory, how you will handle the day, how happy you can be, remind yourself to look a great photo of a friend, or pet or whatever wll help start your day right....and then DO IT EVERY is helping me a bit...not always...and the other thing is we all must give ourselves time to grieve, and time to heal and know that it will take TIME but that is okay...we need to go easy on ourselves and expect that such a tramatic event, for anyone, will take time to heal....NOW, I am saying all this but struggling with it myself so I KNOW how hard it is, but I guess it helps me to write it here anyway and know someone else is struggling too...lets be kind to ourselves...we are doing a great thing, forgiving, loving and trying to move on in love...I think that is PREtTY FANTASTIC don't you? love you!

WeHadItAll posted 10/1/2013 04:08 AM


I'm so sorry. I feel like I could have written that post of yours. Especially about "if he says he's sorry for what he did one more time, I'm going to snap." In the early days of R, he kept saying the same thing over and over again and it drove me batty. But I couldn't tell him what I wanted him to say because then I couldn't trust it. I wanted him to say it because he truly felt it.

I recently re-read this great post for waywards explaining what we BSes are going through and how to help. It was eye-opening because, like you, I forgot what it was that I needed from him.

You might also help you understand what you're feeling; it lists all the complicated, contradictory emotions that are swirling in our hearts right now. Regression happens. Your world was torn apart, and it takes more than just forgiving him to rebuild your life.

Take care of you, Scuba.

cantaccept posted 10/1/2013 04:46 AM


I am afraid that I have no words of wisdom right now. Just wanted to offer comfort, wish I could offer more.

This is hard, so very hard.

I am happy for you that your H is doing what he can.

It is still early for you. My wh has not been doing, even still, I am getting better.

Just remember, time, work on you, one step forward, two back. Healing is definitely not linear.

When I feel like I am at my worst, I look back on dday and remember how bad it was and look at how far I have come. It is hard to see the progress sometimes.

Be patient with yourself, you're doing fine.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/1/2013 05:33 AM

I am still just a newbie at this- but my most recent "talk" with him helped me so much. I started by telling him I wanted him to share their story with me. It wasn't about the physical affair. I wante to know about the EA. I read their texts and know that they shared a connection emotionally. How else could he have done this? It was hard for him. He thought that my telling me he cared for her it would make it worse. And it did- I ceased hard afterward. But he was honest. And I believed him. I know that the connection they had was a false one based on his need to escape and find solace in a "fantasy" relationship with no reality to mess up the romance. But by acknowledging that there was an emotional connection- I found I was able to deal with the A in a different way, for today, it is really helping us heal. I had to hear the details of their conversations and what she provided for him, so that I could better understand what he felt he needed at the time.
It was very difficult to hear about their relaxed evenings together and their whispered sentiments- but now I am not wondering. His acting like she didn't matter or that it was "just a mistake" was killing our process.
I wish you the best. Be strong and be food to yourself.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/1/2013 05:34 AM

Please forgive my autocorrect errors!

PrincessPeach06 posted 10/1/2013 06:10 AM

I have had the best couple weeks since Dday after realizing forgiveness was the key for ME. I was able to let go of the anger and bitterness that was eating at me and affecting the people around me who had NOT hurt me. It was poison.

Lots of reading, self reflection and prayer is what is helping me daily and life has been good. H and I still talk and I still have flashes of anger but I refuse to let it control me.

Alex CR posted 10/1/2013 06:37 AM

Not sure when your Dday is but I know, for me, I became really angry with my H about nine months out. He'd been doing everything to help me heal and I think I began to feel safe enough to lash out at him because I realized he wasn't going away. I was really sarcastic and mean to him. One night I really lost it and smashed a bunch of glasses against the kitchen wall (it really did feel good to smash them!). I felt like I had let something ugly out. Somebody here at SI said they'd used a punching bag to get rid of their anger but I didn't have one of those handy. I also started IC about that time. I needed to get that ugly stuff out and it really helped to talk to someone who could gently point me in directions that were helpful to me.

If he says he sorry for what he did one time I'm going to snap. It's like He thinks because he's sorry and does everything right now that should take away the pain.

I don't know if he thinks his saying "I'm sorry" should take away the pain or he just doesn't know what else to say or do. Are there other words/actions you'd like to hear/see from him? Maybe you can share those with him when you've had some time to process what it is you want...but it does take time to figure all this out.

When it comes to forgiving, I think that's another step that for some of us can take years, if we take it at all. We are almost four years out and I just told my H he's a former wayward....that I appreciate all he's done to help me heal and work on our marriage.

I haven't ever said I forgive him yet though and don't know if I ever will. I mean, really, this isn't about him putting a dent in my car or forgetting my birthday...this is about him trashing my life with him, lying and treating me badly while giving to some other woman what he'd promised only to me. I've read others closer to Dday have forgiven their spouses but I haven't reached that point yet...and to be honest, I'm not worrying about it. H's actions over time have gotten us to where we are today....maybe in time, I will feel forgiveness towards him.

They call it a roller coaster for a reason. Don't be too hard on yourself and know this all takes time. Keep reading, keep posting and take good care of yourself.

lucy17 posted 10/1/2013 07:15 AM

Optimist- Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha.

I also feel like I could have written your post. And I feel so guilty and apologize for being sad and angry after just having a good day earlier. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to not trust the one person in my life who I depended on so completely (and in reality was the only person in my life I did trust).
I look at positive quotes. I write down nice things he has said and done. Sometimes it helps.

1ost0ne posted 10/1/2013 09:32 AM

ScubaChick, your post really rang true for me as well. I'm in the same boat in that I don't know what I need to move forward and I keep falling backwards. My WS is trying to do the right things and attempting to focus on our marriage. I do realize that forgiveness is still far away. I hate how I'm feeling a lot of the time. I wish I could explain what I need but I don't know what it is. Sometimes there isn't enough ILYs, hugs, sex, etc. to get out of the rut.

The link that WeHadItAll does explain to the WS what they need to do and understand, but it's not contextual enough. To make cookies, there are specific ingredients and steps. To fix a BS, it's a bunch of IDontKnows that are mushed together.

Scubachick posted 10/1/2013 13:40 PM

Thank you all for the support and suggestions. They really do help me and it always helps to know that someone understands exactly where I'm coming from. I stayed up until 4am reading about forgiveness and moving forward. I came across 3 quotes that really clicked with me.

1. Your ability to heal comes from knowing that you will heal.
2. Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
3. Faith and fear have something in common. They both believe ask us to believe in something we can't see.

I'm going to try faith...I'm going to take that first step even though I can't see the whole staircase. I have faith that I will forgive my husband. I have faith that I can get through this and become a better version of myself for it...with or without him. I will not allow this to destroy my life. A bad day is just a bad day. I'm going to try to see a set back as a sign that I moved ahead too soon and I need to take a step back and really work through what I'm feeling. As long as I don't get stuck there, it shouldn't be a bad thing, right? Maybe I can't tell my husband what else I need from because it's not about him at this point. I'm not good at expressing my thoughts. Am I making any sense??

Alex CR posted 10/1/2013 14:03 PM

Complete sense....and so right...

have faith that I can get through this and become a better version of myself for it...with or without him. I will not allow this to destroy my life. A bad day is just a bad day.

Faith in yourself and knowing you are in control of how you look at things and what you learn from them...I think you're doing great and are right on target.......

Good for you!

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