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Blamed on a blackout

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inpieces posted 10/1/2013 06:55 AM

I found out 5 days ago that my husband of 4 years may have been unfaithful. At one of my oldest friend's daughter's christening (a big group of us stayed in a hotel for the evening) my husband apparently woke up the next morning naked (though he swears he was dressed) in the bed of a woman in my extended friendship group. Other people had seen them throughout the evening being all over each other and dancing intimately. I had gone to bed by this time and was sleeping with no knowledge of this. He admitted they were being 'too overfamiliar' and that was because he was being stupidly drunk and arrogant and taking her advances knowing that she has feelings for him. The other woman told her best friend the next day that something had happened in the hotel room but it was stopped. She has since backtracked and said nothing happened. Both my husband and her have however maintained that neither of them remember what happened exactly so anything could have happened - my husband says he blacked out for most of the night (which he has done before) and remembers nothing about getting back to her hotel room or what they were doing that night. Just that he woke up in her room. And he says he feels nothing for her and that it was a massive drunken mistake. Too many people have been involved and I'm lost in what feels like a web of lies and backtracking. Icing on the cake is that he finally admitted to kissing her for a few seconds years ago (after we were married) on another occasion when I was home in bed. How can I move on if I never know exactly what happened? I have as much information as I'll ever get as both my husband and the other woman have said they remember practically nothing of the evening and my husband swears he's told me everything. The issue for me is not even the act of infidelity but that I don't know that I can trust he's told me everything. I'm so in love with him and we were planning to start trying for a family in the new year, and I want to believe him as I know he's not a monster. But all of my friends think I'm being naive and not wanting to see the truth. I have no idea where to turn...I'm utterly heartbroken.

solus sto posted 10/1/2013 07:49 AM

First, I'm very, very sorry you're in this position.

I'm not quite sure how a baptism turns into a drunken one-night-stand, but I'm not buying the story he's selling. He was dancing "intimately" with her, was "all over her" (a woman with whom he'd cheated on you prior). That suggests, to me, a continuation of the prior intimacy---not a whoops-I-drank-too-much-in-celebration-of-our-friend's-baby's-welcome-into-the-bosom-of-the-Lord "mistake."

Whatever happened, it was not a "mistake." It was a choice. If he was too drunk to actually consent to sex, then the choice was to become too drunk to remain accountable for his actions. But I'm not really buying that. It's too convenient.

Did they both cook up the so-very-drunk story because they thought it was a get-out-of-jail-free card, should they HAPPEN to get caught--something they likely thought would not happen?

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, OTHER THAN THIS: I would not accept, for even a second, that this was a "mistake." A mistake is accidentally wearing a brown shoe with a black one, and not noticing until you get halfway to work. A mistake is forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. Spending the evening following a baptism "all over" a woman other than your wife, "dancing intimately," and ultimately, landing in bed with her is a series of dreadful, destructive choices. Even if, at some point, the drunkenness led to blackout, there were conscious choices to betray you made. In fact, he did that the time you were home in bed and he was kissing her (and keeping that secret a delicious little thing between the two of THEM). How long has this affair really been going on? Does the other woman's husband know of the long-ago kisses? That the behavior the night of the baptism was a continuation of an inappropriate relationship?

I would take his actions as a very serious sign of an immediate need for rehab (blackout drunks are not the norm; they are indicative of a HUGE problem), and a very serious sign of the need for him to acquire some serious, grown-up boundary skills.

Because what man celebrates a baptism by getting blackout drunk, dancing suggestively with a woman other than his wife (with whom he has previously cheated), and landing (rather publicly) in her bed?

Not a healthy one. Not one who is safe to you.

You say that the issue for you isn't the infidelity per se, but whether he's told you everything. That's the case for many of us. The infidelity, we could get over. The subsequent lies, not so much. They kill marriages.

If, however, his relationship with alcohol is as strong as you describe, you may have to accept that you will never know the details. Either he was blackout drunk, or he's lying about that because he thinks it is somehow better.

It's not.

It's anything but.

Whatever happened was an enormous betrayal. He wasn't a hapless victim or a defenseless puppet. He had a ONS with a woman with whom he apparently did the same thing prior. (I'd dig into that "little bit of kissing." There's likely much more to that story--and I wonder if their thing has been ongoing, with the baptism being their ...coming-out party.)

If there's more, and he knows there's more and chooses not to share, your marriage will likely not survive.

If he's an alcoholic who lands in other beds and refuses to commit to sobriety, your marriage will likely not survive.

If he got tipsy, chose to sleep with a woman with whom he's had an inappropriate relationship (harboring, at very least, secrets from you for a very long time), and decides to man up, own what he's done, and do some VERY serious, VERY hard work on himself and his relationship with you, then that's a different story. Then, your marriage may survive and even thrive.

Again, you may never have all the details. All of us have to accept that this is the case---we will never know for sure whether we do. Some of us know next to nothing. (I don't know a single thing other than what I found on my own, and much of that, my husband denied. Even three years after separation, he still refers to some very concrete truths as my "little paranoid musings.")

It's up to you what you accept. Try to remember that when things feel so very out of control.

I am so very sorry you are here, but it's a good place to be, under the circumstances.

Millions of hugs to you.

heforgot posted 10/1/2013 07:57 AM

Oh inpieces I sooo feel your pain! I was in a similar situation. Please read my post in this forum "not over it". Stay strong.

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/1/2013 11:19 AM

((inpieces)) Big hugs to you.

I can't help but notice that your husband is managing to blame his bad behavior that night on literally everything BUT himself. She was coming onto him, he was black out drunk, he has no memory of any wrongdoing, he woke up in bed clothed and not naked, she admitted to other people that something had happened and now that's a supposed 'lie,' and the list just goes on and on and on. Would he honestly have you believe he acted like a choirboy that night and was force-fed booze until he got 'black out drunk' all so this woman could take advantage of him? The fact that you finally got him to admit that he's acted inappropriate with her in the past completely NEGATES all his bullcrap about her being the aggressor and he being the meek lamb who fell for it. He knew exactly what he was doing.

It's reprehensible that he chose to embarrass himself as well as your marriage in front of a bunch of friends and family like this. It seems his favorite time to 'strike' is when you're in bed. Jeez.

Your gut is screaming at you because you know he hasn't been honest with you. It's all about covering his butt right now, not giving you the truth so you can decide whether you'd like to reconcile and try to build a future with him.

Since he refuses to tell you the truth, I'd set up a polygraph test. That'll throw the fear of God into him. But don't tell him until a day or two before - the element of surprise will work in your favor. But don't be surprised when you find "how to beat a polygraph test" in your browser's history on your home computer after you tell him.

Good luck to you.

k9lover1 posted 10/1/2013 14:52 PM

You were considering starting a family. Do you think he is good father/husband material at this time in his life?

HurtButHopeful? posted 10/1/2013 15:49 PM

I'm so sorry your husband hurt you like this.

If he has been black-out drunk before, then it seems he has a problem with alcohol, which in and of itself hurts the loved ones involved. Are you sure you want to get deeper into a relationship, meaning have children, with a man with serious issues with alcohol? Until he gets a grip on that, it will escalate, and who knows how what will happen while he is drunk. Living with a parent who gets drunk is a toxic environment and emotionally stunting for children.

Have you begun to read the Healing Library? It is in the upper left hand corner of your screen, in the yellow box. There you will find articles to help you decide how to proceed regarding the adultery.

your first step is to make a list of what is required for you to stay M with him. When you have done that, present it to him. You'll get ideas from the Library. Add to the list: AA meetings and stop drinking. Otherwise, you'll find yourself having to go to Al-Anon meetings to deal with your own grief and mental illness caused by his alcohol issues.

a big hug for you(((((inpieces)))))

anewday78 posted 10/1/2013 16:32 PM

Building onto what Solus Sto said about how being blackout-drunk is not an excuse: if he got into a car that night and killed somebody on the road, would he not be held accountable for his actions? Whether he remembered it or not, he caused damage to somebody else and ultimately, HE IS RESPONSIBLE for facing the consequences. I hope you enforce some consequences.

nestlee posted 10/1/2013 16:58 PM

I am sorry u are going through this . I hate when people try to blame the alcohole on their stupid choices. There's no way he blacked out the whole dam time. Instead of flirting and getting it on with this woman in the first place. He should of left to bed when u did. Put your foot down and tell him it's time to man up.

inpieces posted 10/2/2013 05:36 AM

Thank you so much for all your replies. I'm broken. As if the nightmare is never ending the OW finally admitted last night that she remembers them starting to have sex in the hotel room that night and then it was stopped. H is still claiming he has no recollection of anything happening as blacked out. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. Does this feeling ever go away?

solus sto posted 10/2/2013 07:50 AM

Oh, sweetie---the pain. It does get better, but it never quite goes away. You won't feel it acutely forever. And there will be lots of days--LOTS of them!--when you don't feel it at all (down the road). But it does leave a scar that stays pretty tender. It's life-altering.

But you will heal. It seems impossible now---but I promise, you will. With or without your husband's help.

sparklezombie posted 10/2/2013 08:09 AM

The feeling can go away. But it will be really hard while he's denying what happened. He needs to tell the truth and if he won't, you'll have to decide if you can stay with someone with this between you. I would strongly suggest individual counseling for you and him (separately)and marriage counseling for both of you. IC has helped me tremendously.

SeanFLA posted 10/2/2013 10:44 AM


You sound fairly young (only being married 4 years) and from a guy's point of view he's been cake eating and continues. Mostly because you are allowing it. Mature men don't pull this crap. He is not mature, and that is something you are just going to have to swallow. You married an immature man.

My suggestion is a bit harsh. You are young in your marriage. You think you love him. But probably what you love is the idea of being in love with him and starting a beautiful family. Save yourself a ton of future heartache and get to the doctor for birth control or something other form of NOT getting pregnant right now until you figure this out. Don't begin thinking that starting a family is going to wake him up. Bringing a child into this world will probably be done on your own time as he's too busy being immature. There could be a chance you wind up as a single mother, so beware right now. The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. You two are married, but he's not committed. Committed men don't sleep naked in other women's beds. Especially at baptisms...good lord! Figure out what it is you truly want and don't be scared to express it to yourself. Don't lose your self respect in all this and accept what's he's done. Normal men out there that do not act like this. No it's not normal. All contact with this woman needs to be cut off if there is any chance for the two of you. But odds are he's probably done this behavior somewhere else I hate to say.

Gajit posted 10/2/2013 17:08 PM

You should BOTH be tested for STD's and PLEASE use some sort of birth control. Having a child will not 'fix' your relationship!
I am sorry you are here.
There are a lot of smart people here who you can vent to when you feel the need, and support you and cheer you on!
Post here often and vent. It has helped me, and I haven't even been here very long.

selkiescot posted 10/2/2013 17:19 PM

Don't have a child with this man. He is still a child himself. Besides cheating on you with a friend. He could very well be an alcoholic. Not a good match for fatherhood. Please wait a bit. Heal your relationship or let it go. Do NOT subject an innocent child to this kind of behaviour.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 5:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

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