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heforgot posted 10/1/2013 07:54 AM

Where do I start? I almost feel stupid posting here since this happened almost four years ago. Somehow I just haven't been able to let go. It all happened after a Halloween party in our home. Everyone came in costume and we all had a great time. A bunch of our guests, including my H, went to a bar afterward to continue the celebration. I stayed home to be with our kids (I was too worn out to go anyway). While at the bar, one of our friends proposed to his girlfriend. So, of course, there was lots of celebrating. They all left the bar, and my H offered to let the newly engaged couple use our guest room (which is right next to our bedroom) for the night. They accepted. That's when all hell broke loose. All I remember is WH waking me up in the middle of the night and asking me to smell him. He kept saying "I don't smell like another woman, right?". The next morning I get a phone call from the OW's new fiance telling me that he had to talk to me about what happened that night. I told him I wanted to hear it from the OW. She contacted me via text. She told me that all she remembered was a man performing oral sex on her. She thought it was her fiance until he walked in on them. My H was truly remorseful. He kept telling me that he was blind drunk and really didn't remember what happened that night. He cried for days, as I did too. The OW apologized to me saying that she was equally at fault. That she shouldn't have been drinking that much. My H later (a few months later) stated that he thinks she came on to him and it was the other way around. She was performing oral sex on him. But he still acknowledged that it was his fault. I had many discussions about this with my therapist. WH also joined me for a session. The OW is no longer a part of our lives. After cheating on her fiance three more times he dumped her. However, I do see her fiance around town and it hurts every time. I feel like I have to give some background here. I swept this under the rug myself because I had an EA about three years before this incident, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't mentally abuse myself for that choice. (WH and I did go to MC at that time.) Our relationship is incredible now. There is absolutely NC and we are both completely open with each other. We share passwords for EVERYTHING. We even exchange phones from time to time. But I still can't let it go. I see her face in my head often. It still bothers me that I don't know exactly what happened that night. After four years!!!!! Does it ever stop?

heforgot posted 10/1/2013 07:56 AM

Oh! I forgot the best part. Now she's telling anyone who will listen that he raped her!

Broken1Again posted 10/1/2013 10:04 AM


Wow...That`s a bit of a doozie. I think why it`s bothering you still to this day is because you don`t know what really happened that night. You have conflicting stories, and even more painfully, the OW is crying rape. That must be quite devastating and very troublesome for you. So many unanswered questions must be going on in your mind. Was it rape? Did he come on to her? What if he gets that drunk again? How could anyone be that drunk and not remember? Are they both lying and really do remember?

Are you still in IC? If not maybe you should. Maybe you should also be in MC as well. I know your relationship is great right now, but you and your Spouse need to figure out what led to this? How this happened? and what are the answers? Heaven forbid she presses charges on your WS and he isn't prepared with what really happened. It's better to go down that road now then wait for charges. I know that sounds scary, but really, if she's running around town saying it, then he needs to protect himself if it's not true, and you need to know what the truth is.

ETA: Don't feel stupid for posting. We all understand...

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 10:05 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

heforgot posted 10/1/2013 10:26 AM

I am still in IC. I have been since I had the EA. I don't think he'd agree to MC because he thinks I'm ok with it now. But I do think I'll ask him again to try to recall that night. For my sanity's sake. My biggest problem is how to approach the subject with him. It WAS four years ago and we really never bring it up anymore.

As far as the OW pressing charges: I doubt it would happen. But I was smart enough to keep her texts and facebook messages to me stating that it's her fault and telling a very different story than she is telling people now.

kansas1968 posted 10/1/2013 11:22 AM

Well the great thing about your story is that your husband was sick with remorse immediately and never for a minute in the dreaded fog. Alchohol, lots of it, is a great destroyer of boundaries. He may not remember exactly what happened, but you could tell him in a relaxed setting that you have been thinking about it and it would help if he could just tell you as much as he remembers.

After all of this time and with your relationship being so solid, he may feel much less threatened by the question.

I don't think anyone ever really forgets a betrayal, but I think we can eventually just make it part of our life story. Sorry you are still being hurt by it, but sounds like you have a great husband.

heforgot posted 10/7/2013 07:33 AM

Over the weekend we ran into the OW ex-fiance. That, of course caused me to trigger quite badly. I contacted him the next day and asked him what he remembered about that night. Although they are no longer together (and I can assure you he hates her almost as much as I do), he still sticks with her story that my WH was performing oral sex on her. Since he walked in on them, and he was sober, I believe him. So WH lied to me (or he's convinced himself that his story really happened). Did he lie to protect me or himself? What do I do with this information? After at least 3 years of relative happiness do I bring it up again?

Pippy posted 10/7/2013 08:42 AM

I don't think he'd agree to MC because he thinks I'm ok with it now.


Our relationship is incredible now. There is absolutely NC and we are both completely open with each other.

You're not telling him how you really feel. A successful R needs communication and MC.

Smokehouse posted 10/7/2013 08:43 AM

Hi heforgot. The simple answer is you bring it up. It is clearly bothering you, you need closure. How to do it is another thing. You said you are in IC, ask your IC how to broach the subject.

It sounds like you need some MC with your husband. IMO I would put it to your husband that way. It sounds like a good marriage other than the rug sweeping, which is good for him not you. Just explain it to him; honey, I hate to bring this up but it is really bothering me. Then just lay it out, the whole truth. Even the talk with the OW's fiancé at the time. It sounds like your husband was very remorseful and did a great many things he needed to do to help you, except fully explain and discuss the incident, and why it happened. Maybe she did come on to him and in his super drunken state he cheated. No excuse being given from me, still bad, but it is a explanation.

Good luck dear.

heforgot posted 10/7/2013 10:33 AM

Thank you Smokehouse. It will take some time to gather the courage, but I do think it's best to talk to him about it. We do have a good marriage. I don't want to ruin that by bringing up bad things. He NEVER brings up the times I hurt him. I guess we're master rug sweepers.

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