I've communicated what I want and need for ohhhhhh...for-freaking-ever. And boy have I tried every way possible. Something that I've told WH since right after DDay is that I don't want to write the script for him. I've communicated a lot. He has seen my reactions to triggers. I'm not sure how much clearer I could be about what will go a long way in reconciliation. I've gone so far as telling him what to say and do. But I don't want to tell him everything...I want the feelings and actions from him. From him putting two and two together. It would show me he has listened, watched, absorbed, and learned. He has always said it feels like a test and just tell him. Does that piss me the eff off! It's not a test!!!! I have just told him what to exactly say or do. And I've told him how unloved it makes me feel. That while yes, I'm responsible for my own healing, that I'm also responsible for him getting it too.
Don't get me wrong. WH has been working hard. He has changed so much. He has really learned from his mistakes and tries to correct them. His actions and words are matching and my trust in him is building up more and more.
One thing though that he has been struggling to get (and I have communicated this all to him) is how he reacts when things don't get "fixed" or I don't feel better as quickly as he would like. I know it's just frustration and his new found empathy for me. He feels badly for me and just gets so down that he can't fix it. But instead of being the rock and fighting through, I think he gives up and sulks. So now we have two sulking people. But it's me who the shitty things are happening to and making my life hell! With the betrayal and how horribly he treated me after, he has changed my life until the day I die. There is no forgetting. And it has tainted the past. So this is a long freaking time I'm going to be dealing with this. Maybe my everyday. Maybe only once every 2 months. But it is still forever. If I'm feeling like crap for a week because of all the shitty things that keep on happening, I wish he could just keep strong for that time. Because then I'm just left hurting. I feel bad for letting things out because he doesn't know what to say. But I've given him the tools! I've told him over and over.
I don't want to be saved. I just want to be loved. I want a soft place to land. I want to be able to fall apart and know he is there to gather the pieces so I can glue them back together.