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Rekindling the Romance

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BayouBabe posted 10/1/2013 10:20 AM

My WS and I are doing ok. We'll be fine 2-3 weeks out of the month, and then another argument. It's almost always about something silly, and mostly a product of me not feeling respected and/or desired.
One thing that really bothers me is that WS no longer tries to initiate intimacy. I'll admit there are times I don't feel like it, but as most will admit, once it's initiated most protests fly out the window as long as I'm not upset ATM. But ever since DDay, WS has not initiated anything. I have to take the first step every single time. I've tried telling her how I feel, but nothing seems to change. How do I get across to her that I want the intimate relationship to heal, and to have a healthy one. In six months, I don't believe we've been intimate 10 times. How do I get it across to WS?

TrustGone posted 10/1/2013 10:53 AM

Other than asking that she do it, I have no idea. You unfortunately can't make her do it. She may be feeling guilty about the A and thinking this may trigger you. Just making a wild guess of course. I know as a female I am often not the initiator, but will on occasion, but most of the time I leave it up to him.

Has she always been like this or only since the A? I know during the LTA my WH would get annoyed that I didn't initiate sex. He would also get annoyed at me if I turned over in bed and wasn't touching him. I am really not sure why he acted that way when he was getting it somewhere else, but he did. He also started grabbing me in inappropriate places when I walked by. This really irrated me and would often lead to a fight. I found it very disrespectful and told him to stop doing it many times. I am not sure if she was the reason, but we haven't had the problem since he stopped the A.

tushnurse posted 10/1/2013 11:51 AM

Does she give you reasons why she won't initiate? Is she feeling guilty? Is she depressed over the whole mess? Is she just plain old tired?

I have to tell you, I am not a great initiator, but I also feel that has to do with my level of exhaustion most of the time. Life is busy, and overwhelming, and if you don't have any time to decompress, it makes it hard to even think about sex.

I always tell my H nothing turns me on more than having him cook/clean up dinner, or doing some laundry, and a bit of cleaning. Why? Because I don't have to do it! It allows me a bit of time to relax, and regroup, and think hey some sexy fun time sounds good.
When he wants me to initiate things he will often do something like that for me, and it makes me aware, he also will draw me a bath, and pour me a glass of wine, and send me to go relax a bit. Then he knows I'm gonna wanna.
Just one womans pov.

Dallas2 posted 10/1/2013 11:59 AM

First of all romance and sex are not the same thing. Maybe you should work on the romance and then the intamacy will come.

I am a BS but I know little gestures of affection or appreciation go a long way.

The bath and wine are good ideas. A flower for no reason. Remember the things she likes and do some.

If after some emtional connecting and things don't improve. Try Counseling, it is possible her guilt is messing with her desires. I know for me some times it is hard to want the sex part and it issomething I try to improve.

SoOver96 posted 10/1/2013 12:05 PM

Shoot I try to initiate by dressing sexy on his day off and I dont know why I bother he doesn't stay home anyway
TrustGone that's how my WS was I think if they want to make it work they would initiate it j/s

BayouBabe posted 10/1/2013 14:23 PM

I know she feels guilty. She won't mention it most of the time, but if we get into an argument involving OP, usually after finding out that WS received a message from her and WS not responding but not telling me either, she tells me how everytime she looks at me she keeps seeing the look of heartbreak from when I first found out and the weeks right after.
I've tried initiating, which she's almost always receptive to, but I'll admit that I'm an inherently insecure girl, so if I have to do all of the "chasing," I start feeling undesired. However I know WS is scared of being rejected. It's just a mess and I don't know how to fix it besides sitting her down. Maybe I'll try again tonight. How should I approach it with the best chance of success? We have no problems kissing, cuddling, sweet talk of the future, etc. it's just the physical intimacy that seems to have some sort of roadblock on her end.

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