Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
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Newest Member: crazyhorse27 (60763)

User Topic: Unsent letter
♂ 40848
Member # 40848
Stop  Posted: 10:26 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my sad and twisted story.
I acknowledge my wrongdoing and betrayal and know that there is not justification for what I did.
This previous sentence is just so that the explanation or background is not seen as an excuse but merely as background.
Apologies if its long and full of unnecessary details but more is better than less when it comes to detail is what I’ve learnt in my short stay here.

Its 2 days since DD and looking at how this has made me feel I cannot to even fathom how I my BF must feel.
This is my story:

My fiancé and I have/had been together for close to three years. We have always had a good relationship and although we started of rocky because we had never discussed expectations i.e. space, time with friends, how to react to situations etc we eventually levelled out after we sat together and worked through our individual expectations and each compromised and adapted to the other without necessarily changing what we expect in a relationship. She admittedly had always had trust issues and insecurities and these were where we butted heads constantly. She even thought of going for counselling but we thought we could deal with these ourselves.

Forward to just over a year ago and we got pregnant and are now the parents of a 4 month 3 day old baby boy. Whilst she was at home her company did not provide her with a salary so we both had to make due with mine to keep us going and that led to her feeling a tad bad about being “carried” although I did tell her that she would have done the same for me to. We kept growing as a little family but after he was born things got a little bit different between us. It came to a point where she felt I was no longer looking at her the same way and she even told me she wondered about how I saw her. I reassured her where I could but things were still not getting back on track. We weren’t talking as much, were just mulling around one another at times, It came to a point where we thought of calling it quits. This is where the idiotic… selfish… self-centred part me came into play.

One day (July) whilst online I came across a dating site ad. I figured, in stupidity, that it would be an outlet for me to just chat and get to have conversational fun with people who didn’t know my real name where I live and that sort of info. If they don’t know me and its not people within my immediate environment then there will be no chance of me meeting them. It would be some fun and not as serious a situation as I’m facing in the real world.
I created a profile (I actively went through the process of completing all the sections) SMH. My location name and all details were fabricated because I was merely “going to chat and have fun conversations”
I began to make “friends” although I hardly went online and my plan to just talk was exactly that, just talking. A month went by and I had made one or two real friends with people I got on well with.

During this period my BF and I decided to be fight for our relationship and be proactive so we read and researched about the highs and lows of being new parents and the strain it can have on a couple. We decided to work through everything and even had plans on finances, the way forward, intimacy etc. We were gonna be fine. I recall her telling that I shouldn’t let her insecurities push me as she was feeling insecure about herself especially since she had given birth just two months prior. We were good!

I go online one random day (early August) and find a mail from an interesting spirited young lady and we chat online. Another time I go online and receive return mail from her and so we mutually agree to speak via e-mail as my response time is slow on the site. We chat via e-mail and I decide to deactivate the account and I do that. No explanation etc to anyone else I had been chatting with. Profile deleted! The one person I take this chat offline with lives in my state. Others did too but chats never went offline. She lives close to my uncle.

Eventually I’m not responding fast enough on e-mail so we decide to exchange numbers(mid-August). Our chats are never about relationships as being on a singles site it’s assumed you’re single. “smart” omission on my side. All this whilst my F and I are working “together” for the betterment of our relationship.

September – OW asks if I’m ever going to meet her cause she has been patiently waiting for 2 months. Please understand I don’t blame the OW in the least because she doing what anyone who is speaking to someone they are interested would do. I put us in this position.
We meet once and go out for food then I drop her off at home.
Had a meeting close to where she was house sitting, found out she was there and met a second time. Chat for about half an hour outside the house then I headed home.
I ran an errand for my dad, taking documents to my uncle who as I said lives in her neighbourhood and met up with her for the 3rd time and we went for drinks. This time she asks about my true status (I say I’m single). After drinks I drop her off and leave.
I’m in her neighbourhood again

On th3 26th I left work and headed home. Her and I had been talking and she asked that I come over. I asked her what her plans for the day were and she said she was going watch TV and sleep. She then asked me about the talk we had had the previous day in which I said that I was going to visit her the next day. She was unhappy because I told her I was also going to be home and relaxing too. I ended up going over and we were outside her place talking and I recall her asking if I’m “not going come inside” Again I put myself in this situation.
We went inside and I told her that I didn’t have any condoms so IT couldn’t happen. She said she had just one that she got from her friend and that I was not going to come into her place just to chat. That’s when we ending up having sex.

I saw her again the next day 27th on another errand run (my parents are retired and don’t drive) when I went past her place and then she accompanied me to get food and I then dropped her at her place again. This time I didn’t go inside.
On the 28th my phone had died and I never bothered to charge it and it seems she was calling repeatedly trying to get a hold of me. When I eventually charged it I got her messages and we got into an argument and my guilt coupled with her shouting made me say we should no longer speak or continue with the A or relationship as she thought. She agreed.
Next morning I left my phone and headed to the shops and upon returning I discovered she had called my F had picked up and they spoke briefly about the what had happened.
I didn’t come clean hen my F asked me about the details because knew any cheating would be the end of us.
Turns out my F called her and they had an hour and a half conversation about everything that happened. Confronted with this I told ALL.

Now I wonder if the women I have wronged and forced onto this rollacoaster from hell could ever forgive me.
I dont expect her to but i hope she can one day

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Unworthyme
Deeply Scared
♀ 2
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You coming here and asking for help is a great first step towards healing. Its not easy putting yourself out there and exposing your wrong-doings.

Since D-day just happened, have you and your F considered counseling? Has all contact with the OW stopped?

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 210060 | Registered: May 2002
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We kept growing as a little family but after he was born things got a little bit different between us.
Were you jealous of the baby? Angry at the baby for taking so much of her time, which resulted in less focus on you? Were you annoyed at the way your child changed her body?

Why did you choose to go online to a dating site for "friendship" as opposed to real life friends? Wouldn't it be just as easy to pick up the phone, call Joe, and say, "Hey wanna go to the batting cages?"

Dday was only two days ago? Buckle up Buttercup. Your fiance is still in shock and trying to absorb this. All hell is going to break loose here any minute. Prepare yourself for that. Check out the Healing Library, read thru the forum, and also read the threads on the first page of the Wayward forum: "Things that every WS needs to know" as well as "Maia's Survival guide".

Make sure that your fiance has all the truth. Anything she needs to know. From the color of your drawers that day to the weather to how many kisses. Whatever. All of it. Everything she needs. Do not lie, do not withhold. Lies and butt-covering excuses or minimizing will kill her. Consider a detailed time line for her while everything is recent and fresh in your mind.

Good luck.

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♂ 40848
Member # 40848
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@DeeplyScared I did stop all contact. My last e-mail after which I deleted my gmail account was a NC letter. Wether right or wrong I did apologise to her too because she was also deceived. I stated that I didnt need nor want a response but that she deserved better than what I put her through since my deception wad two fold. NC fully in effect.
I will ask or suggest counselling once she speaks to me again. Right now I dont get much conversation and she asked that I dont speak to her. I'm waitong until she's ready to talk

[This message edited by Unworthyme at 2:06 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Unworthyme
♂ 40848
Member # 40848
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie84 I wasn't jealous or upset with the baby in any way. It was more about her and how she felt. She told me she didnt feel like her old self whether it be body, appeal, the energy she had and otherwise. She felt things were more about the baby and we were no longer focusing on US the couple. I couldn't fault a thing about her mothering and my love for my son. She was in a slump and I helped reassure her but I guess it wasn't enough.

Why internet dating... I know itsnot a valid excuse but I didnt want to talk to anyone about my relationship. I've never been a "sharer" so much so my parents used to tell me they dont know whats goibg on in my life and what im going through. I feel id rather not burden anyone with my issues. I thought an outlet with random strangers and flirting would be a nice distraction whilst my F got back into her version of ideal shape etc.
In hindsight it might have been better to find an anonymous group similar to this to express how I was feeling to someone I wouldn't have to face in the real world.
I know thats a whole other level of internalising and not being able to talk but thats just me.

I created a detailed timeline similar to my post with dates places, times and conversations.
I'm ready for hell to hreak loose. in fact the sooner the bettrr because the calm indifferent demeanour isnt saying much about how she feels and I'd prefer rage and anger to the emotionless shell I'm seeing. sounds crazy after reading about raging but I feel I deserve it and more.

[This message edited by Unworthyme at 2:13 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Unworthyme
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never been a "sharer" so much so my parents used to tell me they dont know whats goibg on in my life and what im going through.

Have you always stuffed your feelings? Do you remember a starting point? Why did you not feel safe to open up to your parents?

This is the hall of mirrors. Where you will face yourself. Buckle up.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7909 | Registered: Nov 2011
♂ 40848
Member # 40848
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always kept them to nyself. my parents were and still are there in any and every way possible I was the kid that was comfortable by myself. my social skills were forced on ne because I was a jock that played all school sports and also a nerd that represented my region in chess and computer knowledge. if not that I woyld probably still be a an island but the socialisation opened me up but not to the emotional side of things. I'm fine with people knowing me
but not KNOWING me if that makes sense. complicated mess and brought two people I care about into it

Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Unworthyme
Topic Posts: 7

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