SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

SeanFLA posted 10/1/2013 12:08 PM

...the lost of a child. I can't even imagine THAT pain in comparison.

http://www.upworthy.com/a-comedian-silences-a-room-for-9-minutes-its-not-an-awkward-silence?c=ufb2

trebleclef posted 10/1/2013 12:17 PM

The person I ran to when I first realized my WH was having an affair, had lost a son in an avalanche. She told me that the experience of having her H unfaithful and losing her marriage was worse. Her words were, "It is exactly like death in all respects, except that when people die they dont do it on purpose with no regard for your pain."

((((hugs SeanFLA))))

Shockleader posted 10/1/2013 12:27 PM

I have read the same that it hurts worse than loosing a child... I recall a lady who lost a very young child to cancer, and said he fought with all of his heart, gave every last bit of strength to beat it, but did not. She voiced similar as TC did.

We have read here of soldiers loosing dear friends in violent combat deaths, violent stories of rape and near death assaults that say discovering infidelity is/hurts much worse... I can only say in my experience it is BY FAR the worst pain of my life, and my life has been full of loss, sadness, and pain... Its emotional rape, and the the feeling of death done with malice and selfishness that can not be quantified... I hate the bastards.

SeanFLA posted 10/1/2013 12:32 PM

I hear ya. The only thing I have to compare it to was my father's death a year and a half earlier. It took me about three months to get over and accept that. But at the time I was distracted helping my mother with her cancer treatment. I didn't have any idea things could get any worse in my life after that. And there was no anger towards my father for what happened. Just intense sadness. This video kind of brought back that pain of Dday in a way. I understand where he says at some point you feel you have to "man up". It's kind of the point I eventually reached.

Angelback posted 10/1/2013 12:34 PM

I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. I think it would be worse. But for us, we don't even get to remember the good times and think back fondly on the time we had together. As a christian I believe we will all be together some day. I hope and believe that day will be so awesome and our level of understanding so much more that we wont have to deal with the pain of infidelity (even if the WS makes it in) !

Nature_Girl posted 10/1/2013 12:55 PM

Losing one of my children would be far worse than losing an abusive asshole.

jackfish posted 10/1/2013 12:59 PM

Nature
I agree.

Must Survive posted 10/1/2013 14:17 PM

Neither pain (for me) goes away. It is a searing pain. Seven months after d-day and kicking STBXH out my daughter died.

I am now 23 months from d-day and just 15 months from my daughter's death. I still cry every day for both, the loss of my husband and the loss of my daughter.

It has changed me for ever.

Abbondad posted 10/1/2013 14:17 PM

All I can do is echo: Worst pain I have ever experienced. I was shocked at the intensity and "quality." Like every horrible human emotion rolled up into one hellish nightmare of a feeling.

I had utterly no idea I even had the capacity for such pain. And I looked into her eyes and told her just this, and what she was doing to me. Blank stare. Nothing.

Thank god the worst of the pain has passed.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 2:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

7yrsflushed posted 10/1/2013 14:18 PM

Not to belittle or ignore anyones feelings one way or another because loss is loss but this isn't exactly apples and oranges. I have 2 kids and no matter how much hell my STBXW put me through, and it was hell, I would gladly go through it over and over if I had to choose between the A's and the aftermath or my kids.

It's still a matter of perspective so I respect others veiwpints on the topic as well but everyone measures pain differently.

MyReturn2Me posted 10/1/2013 14:19 PM

Losing one of my children would be far worse than losing an abusive asshole.

Faithful w/Love posted 10/1/2013 14:35 PM

I would have to say that it would be worse to lose one of my precious children. They make my heart happy and when shit hit the fan they were the ones there that had my back and loved me unconditionaly.
The pain of wh's A was the worst pain I have felt ever, all those feelings wrapped up into one person can not be desribed. All of us know it but no one can feel it until they live it. But that pain I would surly do again and again for my children and grandson. I could not imagine losing a life that I created and carried and brought into this world (hell).

Gemini71 posted 10/1/2013 14:42 PM

My first D-Day was when my STBXH was picked up by the police on his way to meet a 15 yo he had solicited for sex. We have a 16 yo daughter.

I thank GOD that his downward spiral was interupted before his behavior spilled over onto DD. I would gladly go through this a hundred times over, if I knew it would spare DD the pain of abuse.

TrustGone posted 10/1/2013 14:48 PM

I have experienced both and the two can not compare. Children do not die to intentionally hurt you and you will always have good memories to comfort you through the pain. Infedelity is caused by a selfish person who did not care how bad they hurt you and there is no good memories to ease the pain caused by them. It is a different kind of hurt and one that is hard to describe to people that have never lived through it.

Thefly559 posted 10/1/2013 15:01 PM

I think losing a child would be a million times worse than losing my stbxww loser! Abbondad my stbxww did the same exact thing,(blank stare)no remorse. so my stbxww friend's husband cheated on her, she lost her aunt who lived with her and was like a mother and she lost her 5 year old ,back to back in one years time . Guess who my stbxww was partying and double dating with right before D day? yup sick people in this world , she also recommended my stbxww her lawyer! I will never understand this.

honesttoafault posted 10/1/2013 16:38 PM

The pain in both cases is severe, but it is different. I lost my daughter, but it wasn't personal....it wasn't done on purpose to hurt me. I was eventually able to heal and go on.

With my WH's A(s)and 3 OC's (he named one of the OC's the same name as our daughter who died) the pain was very personal and intense, and harder to recover from and am still working on it.

sleepless34 posted 10/1/2013 16:46 PM

Someone said it well below...

When a person dies, there is no betrayal. The betrayal is the worst feeling.

A child dying would be hell, the worst pain imaginable. Now, on the other hand, I did say that I wished my STBX would have rather died. If he had, I would still love him, think he was a great person, loving husband, and dad who I shared a great 15 years with. Now, I don't have that luxury. I have to live with the fact he was a complete fraud, lier, cheater, weak, discusting, selfish pig ass and it negates all the good times we had in addition to the future we won't have. Plus I would have a whole lot of insurance money and wouldn't have to co-parent with him or see his ugly skank face....

still bitter :)

SBB posted 10/1/2013 17:33 PM

I could not compare the two.

Had the sad clown died it would have been 'easier' for sure but I may not have learned all of this stuff about myself. IMHO I was on a path towards a WH whether it was him or someone else.

There is nothing in this world that would compare to losing one of my girls. Nothing at all. Not even close.

In the early days I spent a lot of my time trying to put the pain and what was happening into perspective. This isn't the worst thing that has happened to me - not by a long shot. Why did this have me on my knees? I'd think about all of the things that could be worse - losing one of my girls or one of them being chronically ill was at the top of that list.

I would remind myself daily that I have my health, my girls are happy and healthy. I had more than a fighting chance of getting through this.

For me it is not a case of more painful or not. Whatever pain you are in at this moment feels like the most painful time in your life.

It is a case of clean pain vs dirty pain. I would mourn the loss of my children for the rest of my life but it would be a clean pain. I would still be be angry, I would most likely walk around in a rage for a time but the pain would be clean. I know people who have lost children - many honour their child's short life by living their own to the fullest. They no longer sweat the small stuff. They mourn in an empowering way.

Infidelity was a dirty pain. Like a gangrenous limb I had to chop off with a butter knife.

Watching that clip was intense - clean pain.

Ashland13 posted 10/1/2013 20:58 PM

This is a little bit different, but the person I was on the phone at the very minute X stepped out the door to abandon us, with, is a young relative who has had much suffering.

As a child, this man lost a lost a brother who was a baby and he then became a father and almost lost that child to heart complications. The wife and mother spent her life at that time seeking medical care and spending any money they could obtain to heal the child. That lady went on to volunteer with the staff of people who did finally save their child, aged 2 at the time.

Well...

About a year after this, which would be 2 years ago, the mother was struck by a car and died a mile from their home on her bicycle.

When the H, a relative of mine, learned what X had been doing, he sent a letter to X and I don't know the exact words, but X said he will never forget it.

It was something along the lines of writing him off as a person because my relative understood the love that was here for X and he threw it away, while my relative could only imagine having the chance to have what X did.

So anyway...this is something I often hear compared by betrayed people and a common theme that arises is that the person who died didn't have a choice...the person who cheated, did.

In regard to various types of pain, I think of that in a bit of a different way, especially in the face of even more change...and I spoke with this relative briefly about the pain/grief areas and he said too, that sometimes it's not about the actual pain but the endurance to live on in the face of massive, life altering adversity. The people who are left in his life are what he pours his heart and soul into and I find that a good example for my own grief.

I don't know about any of you, but something I find also is that I get some of the most comfort out of time spent with other people who have been betrayed or who are widowed/widowers. I think it's because they've faced the pain and the change and are still going.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 9:02 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

PurpleRose posted 10/1/2013 21:34 PM

3 OC's (he named one of the OC's the same name as our daughter who died)

That is seriously fucked up. I am so sorry for your loss, and the absolute lack of respect your ex has.

I imagine the pain of infidelity seems as if it would be worse than losing a child because it is something that was done on purpose to me by the one person who PICKED me to love. (Unlike parents or kids, who love you because you are family).