Just wanted to drop in and say hello, and welcome to SI.
Was the tapering down of the counseling sessions something your husband agreed to as well? I do think it is good that you are still checking back in with the counselor, instead of just cutting off counseling cold turkey altogether.
I'm really sorry about the hardships you have experienced when you were younger. Do you think your A could have been some sort of "coping mechanism" with dealing with that? What kind of healthy coping mechanisms do you currently have in place?
I'm glad you've joined this site. You will find many great resources and people to help you along with similar experiences.
You are healing. He sounds like he is not, IMHO.
What does your MC think about him telling you to dig deeper? What does your MC think about your husband's "wanting to get fired" behavior?
You going "to infinity and beyond" won't change your husbands low self-esteem, hurt, ability to forgive, and ability to move on. Only he can do that for him. Again, IMHO.
Good luck. JD
ETA: you laid a monster trauma on your husband with your affair. I am not blaming him in any way for that, and I've never walked a mile in his or any BS's shoes.
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:39 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
I don't need to dig into my soul to find all my demons, he doesn't agree.
For me "finding all my demons", exposing them to the light, is what will get me healthy.
My tag line is "Your secrets keep you sick", for a reason.
Not finding out, and exposing the good, the bad, and the ugly, will keep me in a place where I could have another A.
The more I expose the better I feel. Keeping in all those shameful experiences from my past was really hurting me. Keeping it in gave it power. Letting them go has been a tremendously freeing experience.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
I just wish he would stop telling me there is something horrible inside of me.
Why is this statement so wrong? There is something horrible inside of me that caused me to have my affair. Yet that doesn't make me a horrible person.
If you change your perspective to look at this additional deep-digging as doing something really beneficial and healing for yourself, the motivation to do so will come naturally. Healing yourself will become one of your greatest interests and passions in life. For me personally, I view it as a lifetime journey.
It seems like there is a lot of focus on whether or not your husband will forgive you. Why not just concentrate on doing the work on yourself instead? I think if you shift your focus from his forgiveness to doing the work on yourself, he will probably start feeling a lot safer in his relationship with you. If he ever gets to a point of forgiveness, that will be icing on the cake.
And who cares what the neighbors think!
Really glad you are here and continuing to post, cosmas21.