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wwcrash posted 10/1/2013 15:32 PM

Ok, so I'm totally new here. Please be gentle. I read the Withdrawal Survival Guide. Had to post this question...

What if my OM was pretty great?? He's not a shitty person. I have gone NC with him but miss him terribly.

Here's my reason for R (weak, I know): "If both my H and my OM are equally wonderful, my H was there first and therefore I have to give it another go". Ok, Ok, I told you it wasn't that great, but my head tells me it's the right thing; my heart doesn't know WTF it wants. My H and I are taking it slowly and realize we can make our own rules. We aren't moving back in together just yet....

Ok, I sorta made two topics in this one. I'm sorry, my brain feels like cotton balls right now. I can't think straight and I'm either crying or wishing I were asleep.... HELP (gently please).

LosferWords posted 10/1/2013 15:41 PM

What if my OM was pretty great?? He's not a shitty person.

wwcrash - I think that you will find that the further out you get from your NC date and the more you detach mentally from the OM, the more you will see him for what he actually is. In most cases, the OM/OW can put on a veil of showing you their most desirable parts. It's like they have their "A game" on... double meaning not totally unintended there.

Also, this OM took part in helping you betray the man that has stood by you all these years. What's so great about that?

Aubrie posted 10/1/2013 15:59 PM

What if my OM was pretty great??
Doesn't really matter if my AP won the freaking Nobel Peace Prize, he knew I was married and still chose to cheat with me on both our spouses. And as far as I know, is still eyeballs deep in wayward behavior. Last I'd talked to him, had no intention of stopping. Real prize there.

I know it's not the case for some WS, but for many of us, we (and our AP) build up this fantasy land. We show off only the best parts of ourselves. Best camera angle, wittiest pick-up lines, all while sneaking around behind our spouses backs. Not exactly the epitome of integrity there.

And we all come out of our A all glassy-eyed and saying, "But myyyyy AP was special!" No, not really. Just another guy. Who was just as broken as you are.

wwcrash posted 10/2/2013 08:11 AM

LosferWords: We spent enough time together over a year's time that, while we didn't know everything about each other, we saw each other's warts, bumps, etc. We got very "cozy".
BOTH of you!: Yes, I need to keep reminding myself that he played a huge part in betraying my spouse. It wasn't right for me, and it wasn't right of the OM. Devils advocate here, though: I'm a pretty good person, and we *both* betrayed my BH... what if OM *is* doing work to change his wayward behavior too?? (He's single, but YKWIM).

Thanks! I know I sound like I'm waffling. Because I am. I am so confused.

Aubrie posted 10/2/2013 09:01 AM

We spent enough time together over a year's time that, while we didn't know everything about each other, we saw each other's warts, bumps, etc.
Till you move in and life gets real. The house payment is late because someone gets laid off, the income is cut in half, you have to cut corners, blame starts getting thrown around, then oops, accidental pregnancy and now he's on the hook to be a baby daddy, and he didn't really want kids but now he's obligated to you, and he starts resenting you and starts cheating while you're 8 months pregnant, and you don't find out till the baby is 5 months old. I mean, I could go on and on with endless possibilities here. Bottom line, unless a person is balls to the wall working on themselves and their reasons behind their crappy choices, that little phrase, "If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" will come to pass again. And the chances of 2 APs getting together and actually working on their crap? Slim to nil. After all, they got what they wanted, right? Everything in the world is perfect now.

what if OM *is* doing work to change his wayward behavior too??
So? What does he have to do with your R with your husband?

And quite honestly, your reason for R is sad. Is that the only reason? Ouch. That's not fair to your husband. You're not fighting for him because you realized how badly you screwed up, that you want your relationship to work, you lost sight of the important things, and that you love him. You're only sorta trying because you just so happened to be in a relationship with him first and ya kinda owe him. Have you actually told him that?

tired girl posted 10/2/2013 09:10 AM

He isn't great simply because he was willing to have an affair with a married woman. And if he is willing to still talk to you then he isn't changing his wayward behavior.

I am not trying to hit you with two by fours here, but any man that is worth anything has boundaries, and does not engage in a relationship with a married woman, he would have told you that he could not do that. But your OM didn't do that did he? So how does that make him a great person? We aren't discussing you yet. You want to discuss how great he is, so we are telling you why he isn't that great. Great men don't get involved with married women.

LosferWords posted 10/2/2013 09:19 AM

what if OM *is* doing work to change his wayward behavior too??

If he is, then you'd never have to worry about hearing from him again. He'd realize how wrong his twisted fantasy of a relationship was with you. If you ever contacted him again, the only words you'd hear back from him would be, "Please don't contact me again. I want nothing to do with you."

tired girl posted 10/2/2013 09:26 AM

The bigger questions you need to ask yourself is, why do you need to believe that he is that wonderful and why do you really want to R with your H?

Aubrie posted 10/2/2013 09:26 AM

If he is, then you'd never have to worry about hearing from him again. He'd realize how wrong his twisted fantasy of a relationship was with you. If you ever contacted him again, the only words you'd hear back from him would be, "Please don't contact me again. I want nothing to do with you."

Winner! ^^^^

Epic answer Losfer.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:27 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

JustDesserts posted 10/2/2013 09:42 AM

Every response so far holds up a mirror to you, wwcrash. Are you planning on opening your eyes?

Your post is ostensibly about your OM, but actually about you. You're the shitty person (through your lying, cheating, adultering self). And your "shitty person inside" is trying to keep fooling your "decent, good, caring, loving, non-shitty" self. Who is going to prevail?

You wrote:

What if my OM was pretty great?? He's not a shitty person.
and

Here's my reason for R (weak, I know): "If both my H and my OM are equally wonderful...

Let's parse that first quote. Your OM is a shitty person. He's a guy who fucked around with a married woman. He helped you betray yourself and your husband. And he betrayed your husband. He IS a shitty person.

And let's parse the second quote. Both your H and your OM are NOT equally wonderful. You probably felt your husband was wonderful enough to say "Yes, I do" and marry him at one point. Your OM, because he is a shitty person, is NOT a wonderful person. He may have wonderful qualities, but his relationship and behavior with you was decidedly NOT wonderful.

It is insulting for you to suggest your OM and your husband are "equally wonderful". If you stick around, and do the work, and get your head out of, gently, the clouds, you'll refer back to your post and see it for what it is...drivel wrapped in delusion, with a justification cherry on top.

Sorry to be rather blunt. Like many here, I speak from experience with regard to moments of confusion, self-delusion, grandiosity, justification, rationalization and all the rest.

When you become ready to look in the mirrors we are holding up is when your healing will begin. I'll root for you.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:43 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

wwcrash posted 10/2/2013 19:40 PM

Wow, JD, if *that* was gentle, yikes I'd hate to see stern!

Thank you all for your time in answering. I've read and re-read each of these. I cried at first, but realize that you're all right. What I've done is totally shitty, and my husband is crazy, quite frankly, for taking me back. Aubrie, I know my reason for R is sad. My hope is that my heart will catch-up to my brain. My brain knows that R is the right thing to do, but my dumb heart is stuck in la-la-land with OM. I've done well today to hand OM over to God every time I think of him. (I'm a Christian and believe that the only way thru this is by holding His hand.)

Thank you all again. Your 2x4's and "gentle" scolding (ahem) have left their marks.

jrr111800 posted 10/2/2013 20:19 PM

Wwcrash there isnít much I can say that hasnít been said to you already, however I can lend one piece of advice. OWN your actions. There is nothing wonderful about any of this, you, the OM, Not a darn thing is wonderful except maybe your BH because he will fight for you. The sooner you do this the easier it will be to realize the OM is a BAD, BAD person. I am frankly baffled by how many I see on here who has made this horrible mistake more than once. From what you just said though I see a little more into why. You are living in a Fantasy land and if you donít go and get help NOW you will repeat, just keep reading these stories on SI, almost a giving. I wake up everyday feeling like loser and POS for what I did to my wife and I hate that the OW let me become the douche I am. I hate them all, pure hate. If you want to know what wonderful and special is just look at the man who has decided let you have a ďredoĒ so to speak. He is the one you should be giving all your admiration to, all your thoughts, all your attention. Thatís what I do, Thatís what I need to do, thatís what my BS deserves.

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