Trying to rebuild each day
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who is a mutual friend of my AP and his wife. He told me that they renewed their vows and "seem" happier together (I didn't ask about them but he brought it up). I don't want to begrudge them, but I feel frustrated because I am STILL searching for my reasons and my AP must have figured his out already and his wife must have gotten past this in less then 8 months.
My BH is still incredulous that I could have done this in such a (his words) gleeful way. He feels the ultimate reason is that I wanted to and that I liked it. I feel that there is WAY more to my behavior. I have started working on a large word web (the teacher in me!) to try to make sense of my reasoning. Our MC had suggested that I right a narrative about my reasoning, but this seems to be helping me process thoughts. I'm going to keep adding to it. I keep telling him that during the A I constantly felt conflict. He says that there was no conflict - AP was married.
Therapy is exhausting, but positive. 2 days with my IC and 1 with our MC. I keep digging and thinking. My BH and I talk a lot but he gets very frustrated when I don't have answers. I'm frustrated too.
Two nights ago my BH said to me, which absolutely destroyed me inside (although I'm pretty much there anyway) that I was envious about what I thought my AP and his wife had, when they didn't have it and I actually did. I threw my life away for nothing.
I miss my brother a lot. He moved about an hour away. My BH is going to visit him the weekend of the 11th and I'm not invited. I shouldn't expect to be invited after what I've done.
I may have more to say tonight after MC. Thanks for listening as usual.
Me - WW 41
Him - BH 41 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09