Well, I've been reading about all the nice, loving things your WS did for you over the years. All the nice things they said which now play on repeat and mess with your head after they left.
I don't really have many nice notes from him. They fit in a small envelope, and most of them aren't really that lovey. I don't think I even got a birthday card from him last year. Things I can remember him saying: "Artemisia, our sh*t is so f*$cked up." And, in a conversation about us, I asked if he might do more things to show me he loved me, he said, "it's just that I never feel like I get anything out of that." That, and all the other horrible things he told me about myself when he left.
With sweet notes and loving words, why would you not believe that they loved you? Second-guessing love: that's no way to live your life, because that is how loving people behave. But what do I have? What's my excuse? Nothing. Sometimes I think I just waited around, getting no love, until he left me for her. What does THAT say? I guess that's the common experience of all of us - losing our minds over this stuff a little bit.