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t/j of No sign of "unfulfilled"

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Artemisia posted 10/1/2013 15:49 PM

Well, I've been reading about all the nice, loving things your WS did for you over the years. All the nice things they said which now play on repeat and mess with your head after they left.

I don't really have many nice notes from him. They fit in a small envelope, and most of them aren't really that lovey. I don't think I even got a birthday card from him last year. Things I can remember him saying: "Artemisia, our sh*t is so f*$cked up." And, in a conversation about us, I asked if he might do more things to show me he loved me, he said, "it's just that I never feel like I get anything out of that." That, and all the other horrible things he told me about myself when he left.

With sweet notes and loving words, why would you not believe that they loved you? Second-guessing love: that's no way to live your life, because that is how loving people behave. But what do I have? What's my excuse? Nothing. Sometimes I think I just waited around, getting no love, until he left me for her. What does THAT say? I guess that's the common experience of all of us - losing our minds over this stuff a little bit.

HurtsButImOK posted 10/1/2013 18:11 PM

I had a similar situation to you. 16 years = about 5 cards for various things and pretty much the only gifts I got were his "sorry I cheated, again (without actually admitting the cheating though)" guilt gifts. Needless to say all cards and gifts were burnt or binned.

I didn't used to think gifts etc were important. I now think it shows how much I undervalued myself and allowed him to do so.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 6:12 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

phmh posted 10/1/2013 18:21 PM

Don't beat yourself up -- humans are extremely resilient and adaptable, which can be good, but it also can be bad, because we come to accept bad behavior and soon it becomes the new normal and we don't even realize anything is wrong.

Now that you know, you can heal and ultimately find someone who treats you as you deserve because you will no longer tolerate bad behavior.

FWIW, I also tolerated bad behavior for far too long, always making excuses for him. Now I know better, and life will get better from here.

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