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Is listening enough?

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Alyssamd24 posted 10/1/2013 16:41 PM

Since I have moved back home BH and I have discussed my A, but not nearly as much as I thought we would. When I first came back home we talked about it a lot but since then, days will go by that neither of us mention it.
I have been trying to follow his lead and will talk about it openly if he brings it up, but I don't want to pressure him by bringing it up too often..should I be doing this or should I bring it up first?

Today we talked about it a little...he had a dream about my XAP last night so I think that's what started it. I asked him if he has had any triggers and he said he has had a few,mainly when he isn't at home. I told him he can let me know when it happens so I can help him with it and if he isn't with me when it happens we can still talk about it later.

He started to talk a little about his he still can't believe that I did it and actually thought I was in love with xAP. While he was talking I just listened and let him get it out,without saying anything.

I feel like I need to do more rather than just listen...I did agree with him that yes my actions were extremely selfish and fucked up, but I don't know if that is good enough? Is it really enough to make him feel better?

He also mentioned that his friend from work(the one who constantly gets into relationships w MM) is now back with the MM she was most recently involved with( they had broken up for a while when his W found out but have started seeing each other again) but because he knows that she is back with her MM it is making him worry that I will start talking to my xAP again and will continue the A.

I have no intention of doing this. I want nothing to do with xAP and don't want to put my M in jeopardy again, or hurt my BH anymore than I have. But how do I prove this to him and show him I am safe?

We are going to MC tomorrow and I also suggested that maybe he should consider really going to IC to work through some of this.

brknwmn posted 10/1/2013 18:46 PM

I'm a BS and I read in "After the Affair" that it's different when the BS is a BH because a lot of time they don't want to talk (whereas I wanted to ask and get answers to everything and FWH had a hard time b/c of the male thing of wanting to move on).

My only suggestion is to listen and show him love through action and MC is a great place to do it...who knows he may just need that 3rd party to make it easier to talk.

Dallas2 posted 10/2/2013 10:57 AM

No. Listening is helpful but as a BS I find I need reassurance that it will not happen again. This is extremely important to a BS as your BH pointed out by telling you about his work friend.
MC and IC will help you both. It is hard to discuss the A without some help. If we didn't go to MC and IC we wouldn't have made it this far.

It really is hard for a BS to try and understand how a WS can feel they love the AP. Again MC and IC will help. If your BH journals it could also help him. Does he know about this site? Knowing others are dealing with the same problems and how they handle it is also helpful.

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