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new here- trying to cope with spouses affairs

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PurpleYellow45 posted 10/1/2013 16:55 PM

I just recently found out that my husband has been seeing another woman for about a year over the internet and a one time meeting and that he has been planning to leave me for a year now. on top of that while he was messing with me and this other woman he was also messing with other women having internet encounters. I have been crying and so out of it for a week now. I had a panic attack at work yesterday and had to leave. I am getting help with counseling for myself to deal with this betrayal but he laughs about it thinking it funny. he said he fell out of love with me a long time ago and doesn't want to be married anymore but was going to get other woman an engagement ring.

self-rescuer posted 10/1/2013 17:10 PM


Sweetie you are in shock. Really. Shock.

You must focus on getting through the days - minute by minute. These minutes must involve drinking as much water as possible and eating a few bites of food.

Is there anyone you can go stay with? The idea of your WH laughing at your misery is too cruel to comprehend. You do not need to subject yourself to that abuse.

I am glad you found us. Read and post and feel the support and care you'll receive.

Wishing you many, many, many hugs.

marion posted 10/1/2013 17:22 PM

I'm so sorry, what you are going through is the worst pain imaginable...all that you thought was real isn't anymore, but you are not alone now....I wish I could do more but I am sending you prayers and strength......please take care of there anyone you can reach to for support? the early days are truly the hardest...stay strong...
others will be along soon...
take care,

TheClimb posted 10/1/2013 18:26 PM

We all understand how badly this hurts. What you are experiencing is not unusual after the trauma of infidelity. Please check out the healing library on the left side of this screen. You will see that you are not alone and that many of the tricks you husband is playing have been done over and over again.

I know you are scared, but your husband is a jerk. I am thinking that you should give him the divorce that he wants so badly. Have you seen an attorney, just to get some advice? That along with seeing a counselor will help you feel more in control.

Look up the 180 while in the library, this also helps bring a little control back to you during this crazy time. Take care and keep posting.

Mom-of-4 posted 10/1/2013 21:09 PM

please tell your close family and friends. I know it is scary, but think about the few that you know care about you and have a level head and tell them. they can help you. you made a very wise choice to seek counseling. you need to try to eat, sleep, and get some sunshine and exercise. if you need to see a doctor to help with sleep or anxiety- it's a good idea. this is such a horribly painful trauma to go through- we all know too well- please take care of you. he is a jerk for doing what he doing.

hugs to you PurpleYellow45- so sorry.

StillStanding1 posted 10/1/2013 22:34 PM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's hard to comprehend his level of cruelty!

However, I'm glad you found your way to SI -- the best club no one ever wanted to join. The people here are great and will be here to offer all sorts of advice and encouragement because this kind of trauma is REALLY REALLY hard. You will feel better someday!!!! It may be hard to believe now, but you will. Follow the advice given already- eat, hydrate, sleep, see a doc if needed. Just be very good to yourself! You've been dealt a major body blow.

Hang in there!!!! Sending hugs!

kickboxer posted 10/2/2013 08:28 AM

I am so incredibly sorry for the pain that must be searing through your entire being. His abrasive callousness is inexcusable.

Please tell some friends and family you trust -- even if it means talking to someone from HIS family. There are people who genuinely care about you...they love you, and would be horrified if they knew you were facing this situation without them there to support you.

See an attorney immediately. Learn your rights, and begin separating yourself from his abuse. Knowledge and separation does not mean you will ultimately means you are giving yourself the gift of an opportunity to escape the horrible way he is treating you and time to make the decision that is best for you.

If he does not want to be married and claims he doesn't love you -- HE is making those decisions...not you.

Remember this(these) internet whore(s) are imaginary friends right now. He may think they're so awesome, but they've never washed his dirty underwear or taken care of him during a stomach virus. In other words, they've only witnessed his "best foot forward" -- not the crap that makes up REAL LIFE. The same goes for him -- he's never dealt with them when they're pimply and on their periods, and he's never seen them after a long night of insomnia.

It's all fake, and one day he's going to emerge from the destruction he's caused. The grass won't be greener...go ahead, buy that biatch a ring.

He'll see.

In the meantime, you must cope with reality and that means finding the strength to empower yourself.

PurpleYellow45 posted 10/2/2013 17:22 PM

H- tells me he is willing to give our marriage 1 more try to see if it will work out basically to what he wants. says he wants me to change and I asked how and he says he don't know yet. H- thought I was going to do this trying while he continued to stay in touch with Ow and I told him No so H- said he'd call her one last time and tell Ow that he was going to try to work on his marriage. I'm not sure to believe H since he's been lying to me for almost 2 years and the trust has been completely shattered. My kids want nothing more to do with him and my daughter said if I stay with him he's not allowed around her kids. She's disgusted with him.
I can't believe H- has to call this Ow to talk with her about working on our marriage. I mean he met her online and the had relations a few times if he's telling the truth and other than that all they do is skype and talk and text on the phone so how does that make him think it's a relationship he's been having with her?

PurpleYellow45 posted 10/3/2013 12:37 PM

The information just keeps coming and coming as the days go by. Not only is my husband been messing around on me with a woman for almost 2 years but he's also been messing around on me and her with other women. Then he tells me he can only work on one thing at a time and that he will discuss "those" women another time and he told my daughter that he has to give the other woman the decency of a phone call and tell her he's breaking it off with her and my daughter jumped all over him saying that he didn't give me the decency to tell me that he's been doing this for almost 2 years now and that he makes her sick. When I try to talk to him about anything he just shuts down and tells me that it doesn't look to him like I'm trying real hard to work on our marriage but how is it that I'm supposed to do all the working when I've done nothing wrong in the first place?

Butterfly24 posted 10/3/2013 15:07 PM

Your husband sounds like a jerk. Why do you have to change and try really hard to fix your M when he has been having an A?

I know you are hurting but seriously tell him to get the F out. Tell him you will be the one laughing soon, not him.

You should also tell him that if anyone needs to change and try really hard to fix the M it's him, not you.

If he wants out of the M so badly and wants to get the ow a ring, tell him to go and do just that.

I know it will be so hard on you, but don't let him walk all over you anymore. This coming from a woman who feels like such a doormat. But you know what? I decided that I will be one no longer. And if my wh leaves me, then so be it. I am a strong woman, more than capable to take care of myself, I've done it in the past ad I can do it again. I'm sure you are stronger than you even realize and can take care of yourself if need be, or if you choose to do so.
But you be the one to choose, please don't let him with the way he is treating you.


Pippy posted 10/3/2013 15:45 PM

What an insensitive asshole he is! How dare he demand YOU change and fix things and allow him to contact OW. Amazing!

One way to feel like you have some control is to go through all your financial papers and make copies - bills, insurance financial statements, deeds, car registrations, investments,any assets (take pictures of anything valuable) and copy down his Social Security number. Each time you get groceries start taking extra cash when you pay.

Then take out exactly half of any savings in your bank, when you are ready. Call Lawyers who will give you a free consult and take your copies to the Lawyer you choose.

If you are both owners of your home, you can't kick him out, but you can go out every night without telling him where you are going or when you'll be back. Meet some friends for coffee, join a gym, take a class, volunteer at the SPCA,cruise the mall, whatever.This is the 180 and it will make you stronger.

You deserve SO much better than him. It takes time but you will be happier when you get rid of him from your life. What a jerk!

doggiediva posted 10/3/2013 15:53 PM

I agree your WH is acting like a jerk..My WH is a carbon copy of your WH in that he thinks that the marriage needs to be carried out on his terms or else he is entitled to have an A..

Focus on you and live for you..

Don't cook, or do WH's laundry for him, etc..Carry out a schedule of day to day activities on your own don't take your WH's plans into consideration..

Kick WH out of the house if possible..With that being said Pippy is right.. I am one of those countless BS's who has a WS I can't legally kick out(until I file) and who won't leave..

Who needs to live with an entitled A&&s who puts it on you to make all of the changes in order to keep him around..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:57 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Thinkingtoomuch posted 10/5/2013 08:46 AM


Your WH is full of shit!! The arrogance of him saying YOU need to change!! Yuck. Just truly amazing.

My xwf also did what your wh did--at my DD he said it had been going on "about 1 year". Yeah, right. After my initial months of shock, I really started looking at his behavior for 2-3 years, and guess what? Yup. I have no real proof other than this: he traveled, and I remember his clicking off his computer with the deer in the headlights look on his face at times. And how sensitive he was if I even looked at his computer or cellphone. I remember lots of interesting things...Now for other women he's looking to meet? (He's been on match since gone 2 1/2 years ago- yeah I looked)It's BUYER BEWARE!!

The arrogance of these people amazes me. When a 3rd person comes into a marriage/SO relationship it will almost ruin the relationship. Turns it into spaghetti. Mayhem and hell. The cheater can not focus energy and caring on the original partner and life at all. AND will blame it on their partner. Ugh.

Xwf and I were engaged and living together for 7 1/2 years (we're older). I was completely taken by surprise like everyone else here as our love and relationship was so solid for the first few years, I thought he was my best friend and told him almost everything. At DD I realized he had told everyone else about my business and that absolutely upset me.

I figured xwf did alot on the internet. I also wasted 8 years of my middle years and started life over at an age where men may be too old for me. (No offense to anyone)

So remember you can't love wh back. Get mad, don't get sad!! Sad doesn't work. Show him you can live without him and will!

The 180 is great to help you with every aspect. Love yourself first. Your mental and physical health is most important. Obviously HE didn't think so.

Drink water, juices, eat,eat,eat and go for daily walks outside.

Hugs and good luck!.

ZedLeppelin posted 10/5/2013 20:06 PM


Drill these 3 points into your head over and over:
1) His affairs are 100% on him.
2) You are not at fault for his affairs.
3) You deserve to be treated with respect.

Go see a lawyer and file for divorce (even if you don't plan on divorcing him). By filing for divorce, you are making it clear to him that you will not be treated with such disrespect. (You can always change your mind later, when he has truly changed.)

The wandering spouse does not get to make any demands. This is your life, you live it! If he wants to stay with you, he should be on his knees begging you to remain in the marriage. Remember you are the person that has been betrayed.

simplydevastated posted 10/5/2013 20:20 PM

He's laughing about this?! WTH! If what he says is true then why didn't he file for divorce? Oh, that's right, he's a spineless coward. Sorry about that, but I'm pissed for you.

You received a lot of good responses, but I think ZedLeppelin (love your screen name by the way) nailed it. You need to take your control back and by going to a lawyer and gaining knowledge of where you stand it will give that to you.

Remember, this isn't your fault. You didn't do this. He did.

Sending you strength and (((HUGS)))

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