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How do you go all in again? Or should you?

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Crescita posted 10/1/2013 17:19 PM

Two years into my relationship, Iíve begun to feel, well selfish. I canít make that mental leap from mine to ours. Our long-term goals seemed compatible at the onset, maybe they still are, but the execution of late seems more divergent, and I donít want to change course. Do I delay my plans to help him along? Have faith that his plans will pan out as intended and it will then be to both our benefit? If I continue on just looking out for me how could I ever expect anything more from a partner?

He has made no indication that he expects anything more from me, but I know I could do more if I had more confidence in the future.

cayc posted 10/1/2013 17:28 PM

A prescient post ... I've been ruminating over the exact same thing. A subtle unwillingness to sacrifice my wants/needs in service of my SO. Ostensibly I want to. I want a partner. But with my SO, there are accomodations b/c duh, he's another person. There is no perfect fit. But I stuck by someone through thick or thin before and look what I got. So to do it again ... idk.

So no real advice. I just feel like you do and don't know what to do about it. And talking doesn't help because the reassurance is merely words/promises. There's no way to know for sure that things will happen as we say they will.

Crescita posted 10/1/2013 17:35 PM

That's exactly it cayc. I naively thought there would always be a solution in both of our best interest, but if there is I'm not finding it. Or maybe him figuring it out on his own is both of our best interest.

Eranda posted 10/1/2013 18:48 PM

I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to be all in, ever again. I'm probably not capable of it anymore anyway- but really, I don't want to give anyone else that kind of control over my life.

My motto is and will continue to be: "What's mine is mine, and what's mine is mine".

Selfish? Maybe. Realistic? Definitely.

I've done some dumb-ass things in my life, but I've never done anything as damaging as what other people have done to me.

Anyway, I don't think there ever really is an "ours". There's just "yours and mine in close proximity as long as it works".

And I'm fine with that.

NaiveAgain posted 10/1/2013 22:26 PM

But I stuck by someone through thick or thin before and look what I got. So to do it again ... idk.
Yes, and I feel that way sometimes too. I actually feel that way about my entire life sometimes....seems sometimes like hard work, a loving heart, trust and sacrifice only means I get screwed over and over and over.....

I'm sorry, I'm feeling really cynical these days also.

I do know somewhere deep inside I feel that if I am going to do another relationship, I need to give it my all because there is absolutely NO chance of a truly satisfying and deep connection if I don't at least try, but it is hard to completely take that chance right now. I'm trying though. The new guy I'm with seems very caring and loving. He definitely makes me a priority right now. But sometimes when I hear his pretty words, I think "yeah yeah, blah blah may feel that way now but just wait until something else catches your eye...."

Damn I hope I get out of this funk soon. I don't really like being so cynical and negative.....

Sad in AZ posted 10/2/2013 00:10 AM

If he doesn't expect you to do it, then don't; you will just come to resent him down the line when your 'martyrdom' does not elicit the the adoration you deserve. You may not mean for it to be that way, but if you think about it, that's exactly what will happen. After a while you will find yourself resenting him for not being grateful for your sacrifices, which he never asked for in the first place.

Actually, you're very lucky that he does not expect this from you. That's a whole other can of worms!

Sad in AZ posted 10/2/2013 00:10 AM

Double post

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:24 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

cayc posted 10/2/2013 09:36 AM

Yeah, for me this isn't about martyrdom. It's more about there's a point where aligning your life with someone is just talking/promises/words. You can't know that they'll do what they say. So it takes having faith in the other person. And that's HARD. Because I sacrificed before and really don't want to again. But not being willing to give a little? If you don't, you can't be in a relationship. Relationships are like religion, there's a point where you've just got to have faith and be okay to live without scientific proof.

With my SO, I have confidence in the future. But then again I don't. And it's not him asking anything of me. And it exists even if I temper my impulse to "help".

Which is why I net out at "I hear ya sister" because I have no idea how to resolve this in mind my so that I'm comfortable.

Crescita posted 10/2/2013 11:41 AM

Good points Sad. I worry there is already some resentment building because he has gone off the path that we were both on when we started. Maybe the selfish feeling is a subconscious mirror of how I view his behavior. It seems the more I contribute, the less he does. There is a baseline he is comfortable at that frankly doesnít suit me. I canít raise the bar alone. Maybe a conversation would be productive now that Iím more aware of my issue.

NaiveAgain posted 10/3/2013 06:51 AM

With my SO, I have confidence in the future. But then again I don't.
Yes,I feel the same way. It is maddening isn't it?

It seems the more I contribute, the less he does.
That is normal behavior. Stop contributing so much and give him a chance to step up. How he steps up will show a lot about his character and who he is.
Maybe a conversation would be productive now that Iím more aware of my issue..
That is important too, because he can't step up if he doesn't know what you want.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:54 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

9.10.11 posted 10/3/2013 07:23 AM

This is how I see it. You can guard your heart and never get hurt again, and never be really "in it" or get the full benefit of letting someone love you and you love someone.

Or, you can give it all you got. I was hurt real bad the first time and lived. I'm wiser, eyes wide open, and know the signs. So when I find someone, and have, then I give her all I got. could I get hurt, sure, but the benefit of going all in is worth it, imho.

Just how I see it anyway.

cmego posted 10/3/2013 10:10 AM

I'm with 9.10.11.

I will go all in again, because that is just my personality. I want to experience real, true love.

I will financially protect myself, but emotionally I will go all in for the right guy.

SeanFLA posted 10/3/2013 16:07 PM

Whatever route you take with him just don't play the game where he needs to be a mind reader. If you don't express what it is you want, don't expect him to guess what that is. It's exactly where exWW went off course in our marriage and that's 100% on her. I take zero blame in her shortcomings surrounding that. I took me a long time to realize that and stop blaming myself for her terrible communication skills. Don't suffer in silence.

cayc posted 10/3/2013 17:00 PM

Well there's wanting to go all in, and then there's doing it. And the latter is hard. Strange triggers bounce up and get in the way. You find that there are sacrifices that you just aren't willing to make any more because of the risk.

Age probably plays a factor in my viewpoint. If I were younger, I'd probably still take a big risk. But now? I lost *everything* in my D. So to risk it all again? Hmm. Don't think I can.

foreverempty posted 10/3/2013 17:09 PM

The thought of ever going 'all in' again scares the crap out of me!

Doing my best to stay away from any kind of relationship but if I ever want to have kids I'm going to have to bite the bullet one day.

Can't imagine having kids and not being 'all in' with someone though so that ties me up in knots a bit.

I guess its understandable that a lot of us struggle with this bit...

little turtle posted 10/4/2013 12:07 PM

I don't think it's fair to my SO if he's all in and I'm not. It's not his fault that XH did what he did. It took me awhile and several conversations with SO to realize that he's not going anywhere...and I gradually, I found myself all in. Whatever happens, we are in this together. I can't live my life in fear that SO will leave me one day. I know anything is possible, but I have to try.

I definitely think you should talk with him about this and see where he's at.

What is it that he needs help with?

self-rescuer posted 10/4/2013 12:55 PM

You find that there are sacrifices that you just aren't willing to make any more because of the risk.

This is where I am right now. SO is extremely understanding but there are just risks that I don't know if I can ever take again.

And, triggers, few and far between at this point but it is impossible not to pull them into the new relationship.

This is a great thread - so helpful. Thanks!!

Crescita posted 10/4/2013 13:11 PM

Thanks for all the replies. I'm still trying to figure this one out, if I'm jumping the gun, if itís even a real issue, if itís a huge issue that Iím ignoring, and how to talk to him about it.

Basically one of the things that attracted me to my SO was his level of responsibility. He worked, he saved, and he had a solid future with the military. He was independent. Then this past year the contract job he had with the military ended and he decided to go back to school while continuing with the National Guard. Great! Iím on board with that plan. But then he grew to love the lack of responsibility, took a break from the Guard, cashed out his retirement savings, is running up his credit cards and talking about taking out student loans to avoid having to work until he finishes school. Not on board. He will probably be fine once he finishes school and right this ship quickly, but why start sinking in the first place when he could be building an even stronger foundation for a solid future? I know plenty of people who work and go to school, not to mention support families, and choosing not to work when the job market is so tough just seems foolish. I just canít wrap my head around it, and I feel crummy not supporting him, maybe he does need a break, donít we all, but then Iíve never served in the military, so what do I know?

Then there is the compatibility question with regards to our current standard of living. I consider myself pretty low maintenance as far as partners go, but he is comfortable with even less. Driving around town is too expensive, a $250 camping trip to the Grand Canyon is outrageous, we quit the bowling league, and donít even think about a ridiculously cheap trip to Hawaii. He is content to sit at home every day and do nothing but watch TV and play video games. I feel guilty for wanting to live my life because he is getting further in debt trying to keep up with me.

Weíve talked about his financial situation and he says he feels badly that he canít do more with me and he is going to get a job, or go back into the Guard, after the trip, after he gets back in shape, after this government shutdown nonsense. Iím just struggling with the lack of tenacity, worried that things wonít change when he graduates, what if he meets resistance in the job market after not working 2 Ĺ years?

Ok so between work and partying he did poorly in college the first go around and he lost his scholarship. He is afraid to focus on anything other than school and this is an ďacceleratedĒ program. But he is only taking two night/online hybrid courses per two month session. He has 9-5 free. He is getting straight As! Why not take more classes and graduate sooner if you donít want to work? Oh the GI Bill might not cover it. Might? Why not clep out of some of the stupid easy early classes? Clearly graduating sooner is not a priority.

So Iím just waiting, and feeling like a judgie high maintenance bitch. Maybe Iím a horrible person and he deserves someone more understanding, maybe Iím being foolish for not seeing the writing on the wall, but a relationship isnít all about finances, or housework, and in many other respects things are great.

So there it is. Iím resentful, and selfish, and not in a rush to run down the aisle, and I donít even know if I would call that baggage.

[This message edited by Crescita at 1:14 PM, October 4th (Friday)]

SeanFLA posted 10/4/2013 13:41 PM

Knowing you on here I think I can read into a few things, considering your past so I will try to explain:

Fist of all, I think you might be fearful that he will turn into exWH. If I remember correctly it seemed like exWH got very lazy based on his drug use and what not. This in no way implies your SO will be a drug user, but you've BTDT with a guy before. So you know it's something you don't want in a relationship.

Secondly, I think what's happening also is even though you two dated for quite a while, living together and dating are two different worlds. I think you are starting to get a taste of who he really is or who he wants to be. And what you're seeing is it's possibly not what you wanted. Personally I have a problem with a grown man who needs to concentrate on video games. That's for kids in middle school not grown men, plain and simple. To me it's similar to men who watch twelve hours of football all weekend long and nothing gets done around the house. It's immature.

Thirdly, there is no reason why he can't work and attend school at the same time. You don't have anything tugging at you two like children right Git-R-Dun. Even find a company who will pay the tuition. I worked full time and finished my MBA in the evening (not this online crap either but old school by going to class after work). I gave up six years of my life, including weekends finishing that up.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about why you are now unhappy with him, because clearly you are. If resentment is setting, then you're unhappy. Maybe you're finding out the hard way that you aren't right for one another. Probably your idea of advancing in life is not the same as his. Some people just refuse to do two things at once (work and school). But I would think with 9-5pm free everyday he should be attending full time. That's where I would put my foot down.

Sad in AZ posted 10/4/2013 14:44 PM

Oh boy

he grew to love the lack of responsibility, took a break from the Guard, cashed out his retirement savings, is running up his credit cards and talking about taking out student loans to avoid having to work until he finishes school. Not on board. He will probably be fine once he finishes school and right this ship quickly

This is really troubling. I don't see you as judgy/bitchy. I understand your concern after reading this. On what basis are you thinking he will right things quickly once school is finished? IDK, Cresc. I have a bad feeling about this.

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