He has made no indication that he expects anything more from me, but I know I could do more if I had more confidence in the future.
So no real advice. I just feel like you do and don't know what to do about it. And talking doesn't help because the reassurance is merely words/promises. There's no way to know for sure that things will happen as we say they will.
My motto is and will continue to be: "What's mine is mine, and what's mine is mine".
Selfish? Maybe. Realistic? Definitely.
I've done some dumb-ass things in my life, but I've never done anything as damaging as what other people have done to me.
Anyway, I don't think there ever really is an "ours". There's just "yours and mine in close proximity as long as it works".
And I'm fine with that.
But I stuck by someone through thick or thin before and look what I got. So to do it again ... idk.
I'm sorry, I'm feeling really cynical these days also.
I do know somewhere deep inside I feel that if I am going to do another relationship, I need to give it my all because there is absolutely NO chance of a truly satisfying and deep connection if I don't at least try, but it is hard to completely take that chance right now. I'm trying though. The new guy I'm with seems very caring and loving. He definitely makes me a priority right now. But sometimes when I hear his pretty words, I think "yeah yeah, blah blah blah...you may feel that way now but just wait until something else catches your eye...."
Damn I hope I get out of this funk soon. I don't really like being so cynical and negative.....
Actually, you're very lucky that he does not expect this from you. That's a whole other can of worms!
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 6:24 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
With my SO, I have confidence in the future. But then again I don't. And it's not him asking anything of me. And it exists even if I temper my impulse to "help".
Which is why I net out at "I hear ya sister" because I have no idea how to resolve this in mind my so that I'm comfortable.
With my SO, I have confidence in the future. But then again I don't.
It seems the more I contribute, the less he does.
Maybe a conversation would be productive now that Iím more aware of my issue..
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:54 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
Or, you can give it all you got. I was hurt real bad the first time and lived. I'm wiser, eyes wide open, and know the signs. So when I find someone, and have, then I give her all I got. could I get hurt, sure, but the benefit of going all in is worth it, imho.
Just how I see it anyway.
I will go all in again, because that is just my personality. I want to experience real, true love.
I will financially protect myself, but emotionally I will go all in for the right guy.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
Age probably plays a factor in my viewpoint. If I were younger, I'd probably still take a big risk. But now? I lost *everything* in my D. So to risk it all again? Hmm. Don't think I can.
Doing my best to stay away from any kind of relationship but if I ever want to have kids I'm going to have to bite the bullet one day.
Can't imagine having kids and not being 'all in' with someone though so that ties me up in knots a bit.
I guess its understandable that a lot of us struggle with this bit...
I definitely think you should talk with him about this and see where he's at.
What is it that he needs help with?
3 boys: 11, 9, and 1.
You find that there are sacrifices that you just aren't willing to make any more because of the risk.
This is where I am right now. SO is extremely understanding but there are just risks that I don't know if I can ever take again.
And, triggers, few and far between at this point but it is impossible not to pull them into the new relationship.
This is a great thread - so helpful. Thanks!!
Basically one of the things that attracted me to my SO was his level of responsibility. He worked, he saved, and he had a solid future with the military. He was independent. Then this past year the contract job he had with the military ended and he decided to go back to school while continuing with the National Guard. Great! Iím on board with that plan. But then he grew to love the lack of responsibility, took a break from the Guard, cashed out his retirement savings, is running up his credit cards and talking about taking out student loans to avoid having to work until he finishes school. Not on board. He will probably be fine once he finishes school and right this ship quickly, but why start sinking in the first place when he could be building an even stronger foundation for a solid future? I know plenty of people who work and go to school, not to mention support families, and choosing not to work when the job market is so tough just seems foolish. I just canít wrap my head around it, and I feel crummy not supporting him, maybe he does need a break, donít we all, but then Iíve never served in the military, so what do I know?
Then there is the compatibility question with regards to our current standard of living. I consider myself pretty low maintenance as far as partners go, but he is comfortable with even less. Driving around town is too expensive, a $250 camping trip to the Grand Canyon is outrageous, we quit the bowling league, and donít even think about a ridiculously cheap trip to Hawaii. He is content to sit at home every day and do nothing but watch TV and play video games. I feel guilty for wanting to live my life because he is getting further in debt trying to keep up with me.
Weíve talked about his financial situation and he says he feels badly that he canít do more with me and he is going to get a job, or go back into the Guard, after the trip, after he gets back in shape, after this government shutdown nonsense. Iím just struggling with the lack of tenacity, worried that things wonít change when he graduates, what if he meets resistance in the job market after not working 2 Ĺ years?
Ok so between work and partying he did poorly in college the first go around and he lost his scholarship. He is afraid to focus on anything other than school and this is an ďacceleratedĒ program. But he is only taking two night/online hybrid courses per two month session. He has 9-5 free. He is getting straight As! Why not take more classes and graduate sooner if you donít want to work? Oh the GI Bill might not cover it. Might? Why not clep out of some of the stupid easy early classes? Clearly graduating sooner is not a priority.
So Iím just waiting, and feeling like a judgie high maintenance bitch. Maybe Iím a horrible person and he deserves someone more understanding, maybe Iím being foolish for not seeing the writing on the wall, but a relationship isnít all about finances, or housework, and in many other respects things are great.
So there it is. Iím resentful, and selfish, and not in a rush to run down the aisle, and I donít even know if I would call that baggage.
[This message edited by Crescita at 1:14 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
Fist of all, I think you might be fearful that he will turn into exWH. If I remember correctly it seemed like exWH got very lazy based on his drug use and what not. This in no way implies your SO will be a drug user, but you've BTDT with a guy before. So you know it's something you don't want in a relationship.
Secondly, I think what's happening also is even though you two dated for quite a while, living together and dating are two different worlds. I think you are starting to get a taste of who he really is or who he wants to be. And what you're seeing is it's possibly not what you wanted. Personally I have a problem with a grown man who needs to concentrate on video games. That's for kids in middle school not grown men, plain and simple. To me it's similar to men who watch twelve hours of football all weekend long and nothing gets done around the house. It's immature.
Thirdly, there is no reason why he can't work and attend school at the same time. You don't have anything tugging at you two like children right now...so Git-R-Dun. Even find a company who will pay the tuition. I worked full time and finished my MBA in the evening (not this online crap either but old school by going to class after work). I gave up six years of my life, including weekends finishing that up.
I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about why you are now unhappy with him, because clearly you are. If resentment is setting, then you're unhappy. Maybe you're finding out the hard way that you aren't right for one another. Probably your idea of advancing in life is not the same as his. Some people just refuse to do two things at once (work and school). But I would think with 9-5pm free everyday he should be attending full time. That's where I would put my foot down.
he grew to love the lack of responsibility, took a break from the Guard, cashed out his retirement savings, is running up his credit cards and talking about taking out student loans to avoid having to work until he finishes school. Not on board. He will probably be fine once he finishes school and right this ship quickly
This is really troubling. I don't see you as judgy/bitchy. I understand your concern after reading this. On what basis are you thinking he will right things quickly once school is finished? IDK, Cresc. I have a bad feeling about this.