I have seen members on here who have admitted to being victims of abuse, or addicts, or whom have grown up with over controlling parents, or were children of broken homes.
I have had none of these things happen to me and am realizing it is something in myself that made me broken....now I am trying to pinpoint exactly what that is and how I got that way.
I know this response doesnt help you, but just know this is something others struggle with and you aren't the only one!
I hope you find your answers!
It's partly you digging into yourself to find your own reasons why -- and deciding whether or not you'll actually work at changing them.
It's also partly a struggle for your BS to understand something that defies explanation. It morphs from "Why did you?" to "Why could you have done this?" to "Why am I [BS] still with you [WS]?" It's a search for an answer that will never satisfy, but rather will serve in a number of other ways, like safeguarding the BS against future damage.
Unfortunately, making the bad decisions you did has led to this never-ending quest for "Why?" It's part of the ride.
What inside of you thought it was a good route to take, when there are so many other things you could have done.
I didn't find it easy or enjoyable, but it was needed in order for me to be able to know that I would not do this to myself, or anyone else again. That is key.
The way I look at it, I had to figure out my why, so I knew that I would not do it again.
It has been a year, what have you been doing to work on yourself? What have you done to dig into your issues?
I go from blaming our marriage to taking responsibility for these actions
I am curious about this statement, why do you blame the M?
Separated transitioning to D
Something inside made us react in a way that we KNEW was destructive.
^^ this exactly.
After I got deep enough past the reasons I accepted that I knew what I did was wrong.
For awhile I really felt that I had no idea how hurt my BW would be if she found out. That was denial.
If you're willing to put n the work, you can do it
^^ yes.
As you see, people are responding with questions to ask yourself to figure out why. I found these questions very helpful. "Why" was too big for me. I had to rephrase it, cut it up in pieces. Most of my questions started with "what" and "how". I tried to identify critical decision points in my affair and asked myself "What if I had done .... instead of ....? What made me not do that?" My answers usually had to do with fear and/or laziness.
I also recalled similar situations in my past and figured out how similar and different they were. That helped me see the patterns in my behaviour and my thoughts.
These things help me find my 'why'(whies?). As others have said, the process is what's important there. Of course, you still need to cope with the results, and to help your wife, and to develop new behaviour...
Big things. Hard work. For me, it helped to get perspective and to take baby steps.
I'm curious as well: you mention blaming your marriage and taking responsibility. Are these mutually exclusive? When does a 'switch' occur? How do you feel in either mindset? What does it make you want to do?
~L.
