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boots5050 posted 10/1/2013 19:35 PM

Its been over a year since my affair and I am just starting to accept that the only way I can heal my marriage is to explore myself, I have been on this site a few times, this is the first that I have actually read the words to learn
I keep seeing posts about people who are questioning " why " they had an affair
My wife has asked me over and over why it happened
Is there a reason or explanation?
I go from blaming our marriage to taking responsibility for these actions, yet I still have no clue as to why I did it. I would like to read other posts as to the reasons people have affairs, when I try to think of why, my head just spins

Alyssamd24 posted 10/1/2013 20:48 PM

I wish I had an answer but this is something I am also trying to figure out.

I have seen members on here who have admitted to being victims of abuse, or addicts, or whom have grown up with over controlling parents, or were children of broken homes.

I have had none of these things happen to me and am realizing it is something in myself that made me I am trying to pinpoint exactly what that is and how I got that way.

I know this response doesnt help you, but just know this is something others struggle with and you aren't the only one!

I hope you find your answers!

KBeguile posted 10/1/2013 20:51 PM

"Why" isn't an answer necessarily; it's a process.

It's partly you digging into yourself to find your own reasons why -- and deciding whether or not you'll actually work at changing them.

It's also partly a struggle for your BS to understand something that defies explanation. It morphs from "Why did you?" to "Why could you have done this?" to "Why am I [BS] still with you [WS]?" It's a search for an answer that will never satisfy, but rather will serve in a number of other ways, like safeguarding the BS against future damage.

Unfortunately, making the bad decisions you did has led to this never-ending quest for "Why?" It's part of the ride.

badchoice posted 10/1/2013 21:00 PM

What you need to ask yourself is what inside of you told you it was ok to have the affair.

What inside of you thought it was a good route to take, when there are so many other things you could have done.

I didn't find it easy or enjoyable, but it was needed in order for me to be able to know that I would not do this to myself, or anyone else again. That is key.

The way I look at it, I had to figure out my why, so I knew that I would not do it again.

It has been a year, what have you been doing to work on yourself? What have you done to dig into your issues?

I go from blaming our marriage to taking responsibility for these actions

I am curious about this statement, why do you blame the M?

sosorry5454rl posted 10/1/2013 21:18 PM

You are definitely not alone in this. It's been over a year and a half for us and I still struggle with the why as well. As others have said it's just to keep asking the questions and when you have an answer ask why again and again. It's very hard. I wish I had my why too

JKL Vikings posted 10/2/2013 09:53 AM

HI boots
First, read my post why bother with why.
OK, I am going to assume that, aside from your affair, you're intelligent, and use common sense. Now, we ALL know that adultery is wrong. So, what made it "OK" to stray? Hint: It's not whatever issues we were having. Something inside made us react in a way that we KNEW was destructive. I don't want to jack the thread, but if you like I cam pm you about my case. Holler anytime. If you're willing to put n the work, you can do it

badchoice posted 10/2/2013 12:46 PM

Something inside made us react in a way that we KNEW was destructive.

^^ this exactly.

After I got deep enough past the reasons I accepted that I knew what I did was wrong.

For awhile I really felt that I had no idea how hurt my BW would be if she found out. That was denial.

If you're willing to put n the work, you can do it

^^ yes.

leftoolate posted 10/3/2013 06:09 AM

You are right to start exploring yourself, boots5050. Finding out why and how you had an affair is an important part of not doing it again, and if you make an effort to change, you will be a better person for it. It will not make your affair 'acceptable', but it will help you figure out what to do differently. And yes, it can be a head-spinning process...

As you see, people are responding with questions to ask yourself to figure out why. I found these questions very helpful. "Why" was too big for me. I had to rephrase it, cut it up in pieces. Most of my questions started with "what" and "how". I tried to identify critical decision points in my affair and asked myself "What if I had done .... instead of ....? What made me not do that?" My answers usually had to do with fear and/or laziness.

I also recalled similar situations in my past and figured out how similar and different they were. That helped me see the patterns in my behaviour and my thoughts.

These things help me find my 'why'(whies?). As others have said, the process is what's important there. Of course, you still need to cope with the results, and to help your wife, and to develop new behaviour...

Big things. Hard work. For me, it helped to get perspective and to take baby steps.

I'm curious as well: you mention blaming your marriage and taking responsibility. Are these mutually exclusive? When does a 'switch' occur? How do you feel in either mindset? What does it make you want to do?


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