Help me out here, please.
I came to SI because my ex fiance cheated on me with his ex wife, got her pregnant and now there is an OC.
So after he so wisely did all of that, he came back to me, then got himself involved into an EA that he carried on in front of me for a very long time, gas lighting me, etc
I cut off contact.. then one day he shows up again, says he is done with both women.
NC with the emotional affair. Avoids his ex wife like the plague, and is currently trying to figure out a way to see his kids WITHOUT seeing the ex. He decided that is impossible and for the last 2 months he has not been in contact with ex wife, OC and his 10 year old daughter. ex wife won't let him talk to either child on the phone and is trying to force him to go over to her place. He won't do it.
Admittedly prior to the last few months, I was losing it a lot. Lashing out, trying to NC so I could calm down.
In return he has been working to fix things as he sees them coming up, usually AFTER a big blow up that goes like this:
I trigger some, try to ask him to handle things a bit different ( for example, he doesn't say goodbye when hanging up the phone or he disappears for hours without giving head's up.)
What I specifically ask for is what I view as common courtesy. He also has a nasty habit of blocking me on IM when he gets mad. I realize this may sound dumb, but when I get that block, it enrages me. I feel so disrespected, devalued, mistreated.
Well, a lot of it has stopped, the blocking, I mean. Things were getting better, I thought.
This is what happened.
I work from home, he was on skype IM. He has it on his cell phone and we chat off and on through out the day.
Lately he has been "disappearing" then shows up later and says sorry honey, I crashed. He fell asleep on the sofa. Or he was traveling around town and it was hard to have a conversation.
This may sound weird of me, but it really bothers me when he disappears. I don't think he is cheating. I don't know he has gone, he was chatting at me, then he is just GONE.
It's pushing my buttons bad. He just tells me don't be stupid, you know I am not really gone, just wait and I will show up later.
Like hours later, or the next day.
Yesterday we are in the middle of a serious conversation and he suddenly disappeared. So I kept talking. No response. I was trying to talk to him about the disappearances. Basically I want for him to tell me when he cant talk.
Mainly because it has become so pervasive that I feel disrespected.
He's disappeared MANY times in the past when trying to talk to him. Gets up, leaves, Walks out, doesn't come back for days. Blocks me on IM's, social sites.
At the least it is annoying, at the worst, it can send me into a tailspin and I freak out and he ignores me, and I end up having a massive outburst where I have a verbal meltdown that is always in the form of a huge email slapping him around for the cheating etc.
I have been able to calm down enough the last few months, stay way calm in comparison to how I was, because this time last year I was a raw screaming fit.
So when he disappeared on IM yesterday, I waited a while. Nothing from him, and then i said are you there. He answered after a bit and said yes. he had seen what I wrote and he had decided to wait until he got home to talk instead of trying to have "an important conversation" on his cell phone.
Does anyone else find it weird that he sat there watching what I wrote, saw me getting upset some for the disapearance, and then after almost 2 hours told me he had seen it and had been reading the whole time, but never responded with... "I see what you are saying, I cant respond atm, but will when I get home".
Do you understand? He was in the conversations, decided to stop responding, and didn't bother to give me heads up?
Anyway, he gets home, ( we are currently separated) and gets on skype, and says ok to talk. So I try to talk to him. His response is slow, and slowly he just drifts away until zero response. This took about 15 minutes.
So I get suspicious. We both play an MMORG together, he is way more of an avid player than me. So I log in and he is there, playing and blowing me off.
We have a shared channel in there, and tbh, I was mad. Felt ignored and disrespected.
So I say, what gives? I waited for you to get home like you asked and you said you had time to talk and you disappeared in the middle and now you are hear and the discussion went no where.
So he gets mad. He says WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!
I kind of wanted him to grow up. I feel shocked because we had most calm for a few months.
Then he said basically he was tired of me trying to talk at him, he had enough and decided to have a break.
Without telling me. And I said to him, well this is exactly what I was trying to talk to you about.
So he refuses to respond. I am dumb, because I didn't expect this crappy behavior. So I wait 20 minutes and I try to talk again.
So he blocks me in the game.
As I said, this is a HUGE trigger for me. So I log out of the game and try to stay calm. I have PANIC attacks over this treatment. End result is I lost control and told him to unblock me and stop doing it, insert about 10 f-bombs and you get the picture.
So he says to me, I am going to block you here, too, until your fingers learn some control.
Now he KNOWS I have massive issues with the blocking. And maybe you guys think I am out of line.
He certainly does.
So I just drop it as best I can, I am in the middle of huge panic attack, so I take a xanax and go to bed.
I get up this morning and he has unblocked me and he leaves me THIS message.
"You think too much about how others treat you. You don't really think about how you treat others. Especially of long term consequences of you being mad and losing control"
Basically he has been very blaming towards me for my actions while he was cheating on me, when the baby came out of nowhere, and he was screwing around with his emotional affair.
yes. I was losing it a lot. yes, I had a lot to say to him then about it and after initial attempts at discussion that repeatedly ended with him blocking, walking out, disappearing and flaunting it, I really went off the deep end.
In fact, I became suicidal. Every little incident blew me apart and I smacked his ex wife around, I told his EA's husband, I called him every dirty name under the sun.. essentially I went crazy for about 2 years.
Now. He wants me to account to him for the long term damage I did to his feelings and pat and soothe him and take care, change my ways.
I reiterated to him that we had discussed the blocking and it is a MAJOR issue for me. Basically don't do it.
So the ONLY time I am actually getting that upset with the guy is when he starts the silent treatment, blocking, walking off in the middle of discussions.
I said to him he can easily tell me he had enough discussion BEFORE he leaves. I never fight with him over it. But by the time he does a disappearance, screwing me around.. I am pretty upset.
I don't want to let it go without saying I would like him to tell me he is leaving, because I FEEL really disrespected otherwise.
And he wants to focus on how my outbursts are causing long term damage to him and other people.
I don't argue with anyone else. And I am pretty disappointed. This episode ended with unfriending on social sites, blocking me on IM's. Completely ignoring me because I didn't respond right to his statement about how much long term damage I am doing to him.
it's pretty hard to put myself in that headspace after what he has done to me and when I complain he says he cant ever talk about what he did, he has no excuse for it and what is the point of dragging it up?
What he wants to talk about is what I did in response to his cheating, lying, EA..
Am I being unfair and overly demanding, should I be setting aside my own upsets to try to explore his feelings of hurt for calling him a whoring fucktard when he was cheating on me?
I am not being facetious. Do I need to address this with him?
[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 8:05 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]