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Gr8Panoz posted 10/1/2013 20:51 PM

It's been one month since i confronted her about the A. She left that day and sent me D papers a week later. I'm still a mess. I think I've made big steps towards a btter and sustainable me but I'm wondering what sort of progress some of you have made.

I borke down right after work and sobbed like crazy for a while. No reason or trigger, just still grieving in a bad way. I called my mom because she is my rock and she was very worried that I wasn't doing ok.

I have a court date on the 18th to get visitation rights with my kids and she worries I'm not in a good place to be having custody. Now don't get my mom wrong. She knows a little tough love is necessary to keep me on a path that will lead me out of this but this is all happening too fast. I can't catch up.

I see lots of threads about in home separations that lasted months and the BS was able to see the inevitable. Please don't think i believe that makes it any easier. I had one week of being alone and heartbroken then divorce papers. A little over a month and a half to my first court date for custody and I still don't know how the hell I'm going to survive once child support kicks in.

I will lose the house without a roommate or second job but both of those things will be considered by the judge for custody issues so I haven't pursued them yet.

I'm just still very broken and worried I'm not "manning up" and growing into the person I need to be fast enough. I should also mention that on top of this, once it all started I got with a Psychiatrist to change my depression meds so I am dealing with that as well.

I am in hell right now and trying my damndest to deal with it but I fear I am failing. I know that if "she" knew how badly I'm really doing she'd use it against me in court. Maybe even enjoy it.

What do you think?

devistatedmom posted 10/1/2013 21:25 PM

Hugs to you G8P.

I'm typing on my iPad and I suck at it, so I'm sorry if this is a little blunt.

I feel your pain I. Your words. She's pushing you fast and hard. Trying to keep you off balance so she can get what she wants. It's all still so raw, it's not surprising you can't function.

Here's what you need to do. Have your breakdowns, meltdowns, and times where you just can't private. It s imposes solve for you not to at this point, it's hard to process it all when you are blindsided. You need time, emotionally.

On the financial/separation/divorce side, you need to hide the emotions, and have it be all business. If you haven't yet, go see a lawyer and find out your rights. You can't deal with it right now, so hire someone who can, or she will take everything. You must fight. For your future, and for your kids.

Good luck.

Gr8Panoz posted 10/1/2013 21:41 PM

I've had a lawyer since the day after I got my papers. She was wanting full custody. Shes not going to get it.

I've quit drinking cold turkey. She'll claim it was a problem but it never was. She drank as much wine as I did beer as well. I'm still trying to get over her betrayal on top of all this. I' hurt so much and being reminded of all the other people going through it does offer some solace.

I'm planning and protecting as best I can but I'm starting from a major disadvantage. There was never once the mention of the word divorce or separation in our marriage. She had this planned with no intention of my knowing. Catching her cheating just expedited my current situation.

Add to this betrayal the fact it was with my best "friend" and co-worker and litterally every aspect of my life is in utter turmoil. I know lots of people in these forums have been through the same if not worse and I can't imagine how they made it out the other side.

I try very hard to get through my work day without crying but it doesn't always work. I have to see "him" everyday. I can't add loss of and or changing jobs to my plate right now so I just have to deal.

I know you all know where I'm at right now and it's a very low place. Thanks for the hugs

sunsetslost posted 10/1/2013 21:43 PM

It's so damn hard. I know. We all do. Back to basics. Eat. Hydrate. It's ok to cry. I do all the time. Take deep breaths. Try to get out of the house if you can. Focus on your future. The "man code" is bullshit. Make a plan. Follow it. We are here brother. Post often. I'm sorry for you.

PurpleRose posted 10/1/2013 21:51 PM

I completely shut down for the first two months. I realized then, that he was not remorseful and I had no idea what to do. I cried. A lot. I didn't eat and lost almost 40 lbs. (and at almost 5'8" I was down to 103.. I looked iLL)

I couldn't do anything- couldn't work, couldn't sleep, couldn't take care of my kids or my house. I was a disaster. He completely wrecked me.

Once I saw my lawyer and got some things in writing it all began to turn around. Not great, but manageable.

The road is long and hard, I won't lie. I ended up in a false R which pushed me to the anger stage. Find your anger. It was so much better than the sobbing like of tears I had been for so long, and it got me back on my feet.

Hang in there.

Thefly559 posted 10/1/2013 22:25 PM

Purple rose is so right once you move onto anger you will feel better and then eventually to indifference. Some say forgiveness but I say bullshit on that. That will never happen. I couldn't eat , sleep, work ,barely breathe, I was vomiting from the emotional pain. I lost 20 lbs and I was in a severe depression. So I read, went to the gym , yoga , boxing, motorcycle, journaled, whatever I needed to do to fix myself and I stopped trying to figure out why, how , how long? I just focused on me and the kids! After I lawyered up things changed the field got a little more even. You need to take care of you now forget her and forget " man up" what the hell does that mean anyway? Fight ? Punch? Not love or feel pain? Cry if you need to but not in front of her! Cry often punch a bag! Release it ! When you get to anger use it in a good way to protect yourself ! And show her no weakness at all . I made a lot of mistakes so I am not one to preach but I am 6 months past D day and it gets better I can guarantee that! I still cry but not as intense or as long or as often ! It will get better , stay strong brother we are here with you. Good luck.

HurtsButImOK posted 10/2/2013 01:13 AM

That you are functioning at all is an incredible achievement.

I don't remember the first two months from D-day. I just went into survival mode. In that time I managed to move 1000km to a new state, headed up the company office there, retained unhappy clients threatening to cancel contracts, worked with unhappy staff etc. Its amazing what you do on autopilot and because, at times, you just have to.

Be gentle with yourself, as others posted keep up the basics - sleep, nourishment, hydration, IC, meds if needed, I also read anything and everything I could on infidelity and surviving it.

In front of her "its game on bitch" poker face, take no shit. She is being incredibly horrid but this game is for keeps, play smart and go for the win.

ETA context - months 1 to 3 I was in complete denial and shock. The pain didn't hit until later for me. As NG says below, timings can be different for everyone.

Strength to you brother

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 2:27 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 10/2/2013 01:54 AM

Don't compare yourself to anyone else here, man. You have lived only your own life. You are only as capable of dealing with this as your life experience has given you. You're an emotional wreck. Some of us became physical wrecks. You sobered up. Others climbed into a bottle. You were blindsided. Others saw it coming but lived in denial.

The point is we've all had our DDays and now we're on this path, the one that leads to the death of our marriages, dreams, lives as we knew it and thought they would be. We're all going through our own crucibles.

Maybe she would enjoy knowing you're falling apart. Who gives a shit? Who gives a flying fuck what she thinks? She's your enemy, man. There's no one in the world, no courtroom judge, who's going to expect you to take this kind of evisceration "like a man" and not have some kind of intense reaction. You think having a breakdown makes you bad parent material? Well, if you stayed down, refused help, refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong, THEN a judge would look at you with suspicion. However, what I really think is going to happen is that a judge is going to see a man who loved his wife deeply having an entirely expected, understandable hard time, but that man is managing his shit. You're seeking out other people to talk to, both IRL and online. You've sought mental health assistance and are following your doctor's orders. You've taken steps to take care of yourself physically. You're forward-thinking, trying to come up with some reasonable next steps.

These are good things. You're handling it, dude. This is how you handle it. You stagger along, you fall down, you crawl, but this is how you handle it. It's how we've all handled it. You figure things out. You do your best. Some days all you can do is just breathe in & out. Some days you know are a success if you were able to take a shower. Seriously.

It's not always going to be this bad. This JUST happened to you. You're a month out. Furthermore, she's not only betrayed you, she's really been dealing you some dirty tricks. She's keeping your kids from you. Hey, I didn't even do that, and my STBX is a friggin' pervert. Plus he's the one who cheated. No, your wife has done you wrong, man. Really, really wrong.

You'll get through this. It's gonna take a lot of time.

Dreamboat posted 10/2/2013 08:53 AM


You are doing fine. Really you are.

I cried every single day during my commute home the first year. Every. Single. Day. I have no idea what day care people thought when I showed up every day with red eyes

You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to get angry at the unfairness of it all. You are allowed to have bad days. Everybody does, even people who are not dealing with betrayal.

Gr8Panoz posted 10/2/2013 15:36 PM

Thanks everyone for all the kid words. It's strange, My day starts out less than great but tolerable but by the time I get home I can barely move. I still have responsibilities and feel much worse if I don't attend to them. Or even the thought of not attending to them is enough to set me back.

I'm pretty good at being the person I want for a while but as soon as things calm down I revert to a lazier more depressed self. I know this is part of why my wife left.

"Things will be good for a while and then we'll be right back where we were". And she's right. I'm winding down but forcing myself to keep at it. But it's hard and I really don't like how hard I have to try to be the person I want to be.

Typing this helps. Not great reading but I'm sure there are others who feel the same way. I should go run but it's cold and I really don't want to. It's strange. I've had so much to do the last several weeks that not really having anything to do right now is making me anxious. What am I forgetting? Keep moving.

On a side not I got my copy of the official court summons for the custody hearing today. I'm sure she'll get hers too. Wish I knew how that would make her feel. Angry, sad, don't care?

She's become such a different person I can't even figure what her thoughts might be. She was always staunchly against the LDS church but now that she's back with her parents she's going again. She took off all her rings and removed her nose ring. Probably her belly ring too. I barely recognize her and it's only been a month.

Dammit I hate not being able to get these thoughts out of my head.

StillLivin posted 10/2/2013 18:39 PM

Hang in there. It will get better. It really will, but you have to make it day to day!
You are so close to your DDay. Every one of us has been there.
I'm just a few months from DDay, and only a few weeks from being abandoned for the troll. It hurts, but I can feel the difference already from day to day.
Just keep posting and do work out and keep physically active.

Gr8Panoz posted 10/2/2013 19:38 PM

I did go for my run. Feel I should do more. My BIL got me the p90x tapes but honestly I feel silly standing in front of my TV doing yoga? I'll get there.

So I went to my daughters school today for a kindergarten game night. My STBXW advised me she wouldn't be there since DD has a tooth infection and a fever. To the best of my knowledge that was the truth.

I went to check on her progress and give some updated contact info. I almost had to run from the place. All the parents and their kids. Couples, dads, moms, and there I was without my child.

I've been crying since I got home. Dammit.

laney57 posted 10/3/2013 08:14 AM

Hugs to you... Pray for the anger stage. That got me moving. Now, it didn't stay for long, but got me to "live".
I get emotional just thinking about how someone can do this!! Eat, drink, sleep.

kg201 posted 10/3/2013 10:47 AM

After 2 months I thought I got to indifference, but last night sadness hit again. It will come and go, and we just have to keep moving forward. Try to figure out what in your life you do feel in control of, and focus on that.

Strength brother.

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