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I just want to be happy

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megs56 posted 10/2/2013 00:46 AM

I guess, when it comes down to it, that's what everyone wants, right?

I am typically a very happy and positive person. No matter what has happened in my life, and I have been through a lot, I've always looked at the positive side of things. And while I've had bad days in the past, as everyone does, I am pretty much always happy. But after all of the stuff that my boy friend did, I have been very down lately. Not everyday and not all the time, but I have felt down and depressed at times. Of course, I've also had the most stress at work that I've ever had during this time as well. But I have worked through things and I, in general, have been feeling a lot better and stronger. Today is just a bad day.

I guess what has been hard is that since I am normally the happy/positive one, my friends and family don't really know how act towards me. They are used to me being there for them when they are sad/down but don't typically have to be there for me that much in that capacity. Also, basically no one knows anything that happened after the first incident (there have been 4 total) because I did not want my friends/family to judge or change their opinion of my boyfriend if we ended up working it out and staying together. So it has been very lonely. IC has helped a ton, but my first therapist was horrible and it took me awhile to find another one. The good news is that I love my new therapist! :) And this site has helped me feel like I am not alone anymore.

Today has just been a rough day. I think part of it is that I'm really tired today. I didn't sleep well last night at all. Also, while this site has been amazing, I think it brought a lot of my fears/concerns/issues to the surface that I think I was burying a little. Although I was not doing that intentionally. I am looking forward to IC tomorrow for sure though now that I am dealing with all of my fears and concerns.

I don't really know the purpose of this post. I guess I just needed to vent/get my thoughts down and share them with people who understand.

Big hugs to everyone!

[This message edited by megs56 at 12:49 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

lovedmesomehim posted 10/2/2013 03:29 AM

I hear you. I was the chirpy- fixit-go- to member of my family and friends too.

Meg, continue to go to IC to work through it. I told my sister, but I had the same reservations that you did. My family loved him. We were trying to work it out and R and I didn't want them to think badly of him.

In the meantime, I was dying inside. IC helped me tremendously. I learned that I couldn't shoulder his shame. It was his. I had not forsaken my vows.

It takes time. I don't know when your D Day was, but please know that some days are just plain, downright, crappy.

If you are attempting to reconcile, having someone to talk to is a tremendous relief. It certainly helped me to come here, even though it took me almost two years to post.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

NoAnswers37 posted 10/2/2013 05:17 AM

Megs, I completely hear you, and glad you decided to post your fears.

I too am the happy go lucky one who has had a crappy past but always bounces back... And deep down somewhere I am still that person and you are too.

Take your time.

I actually was talking to someone a few weeks ago, and said this felt worse than grief. I was grieving him, the relationship, the fantasy of what I thought was our relationship, my future, I said I was grieving me.

The moment I said that and acknowledged it, the bad feelings started lifting. At the time I felt like a totally different person, the soul had been sucked out of me. But then, every so often, I find myself doing or saying something the old me would say. So I have taken that fear away from myself, I keep thinking I am too old to totally change personality due to the trauma of it all.

But yes, you will see changes in you for now, but the old Megs is still in there, just taking her time to heal.

SurelyNOT posted 10/2/2013 06:27 AM

^^^ the above three posts, you guys have captured my feelings so completely. Had a rough day yesterday, and it started out so well. Thought I was actually beating my demons and I feel like I'm back to square one, two steps forward and ten back

This is soooo difficult, and what ticks me off, it's not a mess of my making. Meanwhile, he's busy planning his "fresh start", which doesn't include his two daughters or me. I can't believe he has become so uncaring, definitely not remorseful, doesn't feel guilty and has no problem sleeping at night. This is so unfair.
Sorry for the rant, I am feeling so alone and hopeless just now. I have to try to recapture all those good positive vibes that I had been feeling.
Hope today is going to be a better day for us all.

NoAnswers37 posted 10/2/2013 16:30 PM

((( Massive hugs to SurelyNOT )))

Trust in karma.

megs56 posted 10/3/2013 19:09 PM

I for some reason did not get an email that there was responses to this thread so I thought no one had responded!

Thank you for your responses everyone!

It is nice to know that other people can relate to how I am feeling.

IC is helping me a lot! Of course it ended up getting canceled yesterday when I really needed it, but it is rescheduled for Monday. It has been so helpful though!

I actually started opening up a little more to my friends too. I am going to tell one friend who I trust to not be judgmental everything and I've been opening up a little more to my friends about how hard everything is and how I'm depressed sometimes, etc. It's been helpful. And this site is extremely helpful.

loved - thank you so much! You are not alone as well. :) You are right, some days are just down right crappy! I've had 4 DDays - The 1st was 06/24/13 and the last 08/06/13. So it has been almost 2 months since the last DDay, but there was a lot that I found out between 06/24 and 08/06. And I think I'm only truly really dealing with it this past week or so.

Noanswers - as always, thank you for your response! :) I know I am still that person and I know I will get there with time. I know you will as well.

I totally agree with the grieving part! You are 100% correct about that.

I am glad you are getting back to your old self. I know we will both get there in time after we heal and we will be stronger than ever! :)

surely - hugs to you! I feel you on being ticked off because it isn't a mess of your making! I almost said that exact same thing yesterday so I understand. It is unfair!

I hope today is a better day for you! You can message or vent to me anytime! :) I hope I and this site are able to make you feel less alone. I understand that feeling completely, but this site has definitely helped me with that.

Hugs to all of you! We will all get through this together. :)

SurelyNOT posted 10/21/2013 09:12 AM

Sorry I am only now seeing the replies to my rant of October 2nd. Thank you for your kind words and sentiments.

This isn't getting any easier, I am really not coping very well. I am so devastated and I can't get over my wh's cavalier attitude and his happily planning his "fresh start" with the ap. I have had some good days, and I thought I was finally getting a handle on things, but lately I am feeling such despair.
Thanks to you all for your support and for the very fact that you are out there and sending good vibes to those that need it. Oh what a calamity, and not of my making!!!

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