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In 28 days it will mark one year since dday for me. The day I found out my spouse has been cheating thru out our whole 10 yr marriage. We havent progressed much this year. I am still beyond hurt, sad, and pissed. This year has been hell. It's almost 3 am here. My husband retires today from the military. He wants me and the kids there. I am not sure I can go and be supportive. People know and it would embarrass him if I wasnt there but I don't feel I owe that to him. I wonder if he even gets the embarrassment and humuliation I feel. I told I won't go but am I doing the right thing? advice please.

If there is some plan to reconcile, you might regret not going. Most units make a big show of honoring the spouse along with the retiring member. Your kids should probably go even if you don't.

If you have no plans to reconcile, let him take the kids. They will make a big issue out of the fact that you are the spouse and it might be too much to deal with in light of the circumstances. If he's embarrassed, his failure to honor your marriage caused it.

If you are not sure where the marriage is going, I can't tell you what to do but I would go. You can't redo something of this importance.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:12 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

Yes I would go. My parents were military. I was raised around the whole military life. It's a big deal. If my ex spouse wanted me there I would go. Even to just support my children. You were apart of his military life.

You don't owe him this, but......

I would go. It will make it easier for the kids. I am from a military family and attended my father's retirement ceremony.

Maybe it will help to think of it as a ceremony honoring your H's service to his country. It's not honoring him as a H.

You don't owe him anything with what you've discovered. That is unless decided to R and both are on board. These are the consequences of his actions. I understand it places you in an awkward position with your kids, but maybe he can arrange a relative to accompany them.

Biggest mistake I made was trying to "support" my exWW after discovery and not coming down hard enough on her because she wanted to protect her image. This included a spouse's business vacation three weeks after Dday I shouldn't have went on. My exWW was unremorseful and told me the morning we were leaving for the airport "Not to have any expectations on the trip.". I should have dropped my bags immediately and went back to bed and let her figure it out in front of her bosses why I wasn't present after they paid for my trip.

I'm happy to hear he took advantage of you for 10 years and now he wants you to celebrate his job? Wow it's still all about him huh?

I don't believe you have to go or owe it to him. But military retirement is a big deal (I'm an Air Force brat myself) and I would go. Not for him, but for you and the kids. It will mean a lot to them to see their father retire. It's a once in a lifetime event. So yeah, while it sucks that he's a jerk and doesn't deserve it, I would still go.

I would also make sure he knows that you are doing this for the kids and that it is hurtful and humiliating. He needs to understand that.

I'm so sorry you have to wonder about this. I'm a military wife also - my H already has 20 years in so retirement will likely come in the next few years. I used to look forward to that day - he has told me really emotional stories of all of the retirements he's been to and how much gratitude they extend to the spouse/family. Now I just don't know what that day will mean to me. Will we even be together? I've been by his side 17 years, through the moves, the deployments, etc. He wasn't cheating during the lion's share, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Like the others have said, I would probably go, at least just to take the kids. It's hard to know if you'll feel worse being there or being home. As an alternative, will there be grandparents or other family members who could take the kids? Or do the kids not know about your troubles? ((HUGS))

I agree with the others: you certainly don't 'owe' it to him but as a military spouse I know how important ceremonies like this are to the member. Like others mentioned if you are thinking of R in the future then this could be a huge step in the right direction. If not, I guess this could be seen as your last peace offering if you will. I think personally I would go to the ceremony but make it clear to him that I would not be sticking around for long afterwards for any sort of celebration so you don't have to deal with the awkwardness of questions from others.

I also am a military spouse. I say go. You have supported him in all ways possible.This may be the last time you support him. This ceromony is as much for you as it is him. Maybe look at it as the beginning of a a new life. weather it's with your FWH or not. When my H retired I didn't know about his A, I suspected. Now I question his sincerety towards me. You at least know his dirty secrets so if you go you can honor him for his service to his country.