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How to limit communication with ex regarding children

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dindy posted 10/2/2013 05:21 AM

Over the last week I've had a lot more text and email communication with ex regarding DS starting school and his grandmother being ill.

It's made me start triggering a lot more and I wish I didn't have to see him at all.

I went to a parents evening at my sons kindergarten last night. Ex didn't attend as he is far too busy as usual living in his little pathetic bubble.

I'm glad he didn't go and he hasn't even asked how it went so I'm not even going to bother telling him.

If he was really interested he would be contributing like all of the other parents there. He's always harping on about how much he loves his kids, yet, he knows that parental contribution to his sons kindergarten is one of the reasons it keeps afloat.

I just don't think his actions match up to his words and it's not my place to tell him so.

How can I reduce communication with a piece of shit like him?

Bluebird26 posted 10/2/2013 05:30 AM

Unless there is a question there is no need for a reply. *Crickets* will be your new best friend.

If you feel you must reply, reply with ok or noted (which basically mean F***U.

The less communication the better, it helps you heal quicker.


LadyQ posted 10/2/2013 06:29 AM

What Bluebird said. It gets better. In the beginning, x would want to engage in chit-chat or tell me funny things the kids did. I just ignored it. Unless there was a question involving finances or the care and keeping of the kids, he got crickets. Eventually, even the dumb ones get the picture...

Merlin posted 10/2/2013 08:06 AM

Use texts instead of email. That 160 character limit can do wonders for your psyche.

SBB posted 10/2/2013 08:21 AM

I only tell him stuff he needs to know and that only I know.

If he can get it himself (eg. phone call or meeting with the teacher, on the internet, etc.) then I leave him to sort out.

It was incredibly hard at first because I wanted him to be informed about everything. I was so worried that he wouldn't get it right that I continued in my caretaker role well after I was sacked from that job. It is not my job to ensure he is a decent father. It is not my job to monitor what he knows or doesn't know. It is not my job to do his job for him.

It was hard to take a step back. But I was super strict with myself about it because contact was then still crazy-making.

After a time it became easier and now it is as easy as breathing. It took practice though.

I've asked the school /daycare to send 2 copies of everything when they send stuff home - that hasn't really happened which irks me but the teacher does call me when the sad clown hasn't passed on information that only he has received. She understands the situation and she has seen ample evidence of him pulling this shit. She is not impressed.

I don't ask him about it. I don't berate him. Nothing. I go to the source. I seek out information. I work it out myself.

I have noticed the contact seems to ramp up in bursts. It starts with something legitimate then all of a sudden I'm getting ridiculous ones. Y'know - those ones on the line, yes it is good to know but I can find it myself.

Or the ones where he feigns ignorance to force me to contact him. It took to the 3rd term of a 4 term year for him to work out homework was due on a Friday. The teacher told him. It was clearly marked on the info sheet we both received. All to no avail. I sent him a text.

Crickets if he asks about the parent evening unless there is some piece of critical information he needs to know. He doesn't get to ring it in. It would be a different story if he missed them every now and then but you don't want to find yourself being his parenting secretary.

Get involved or fuck off is my motto.

dindy posted 10/2/2013 11:01 AM

Thanks for your replies.

I was feeling quite depressed as I came in yesterday and my sadness from having so much contact with him was magnified ten fold.

I'm now just feeling really angry after triggering so much. I hate him so much for what he has done to me and my children and for turning me into an emotional wreck.

I'm going crickets from now on and I might even try and get a friend to come around on Sunday so that I'm not home when he drops the kids off.

StrongButBroken you're motto made me laugh out very loud! Very true indeed!! :)

dindy posted 10/2/2013 11:01 AM

Thanks for your replies.

I was feeling quite depressed as I came in yesterday and my sadness from having so much contact with him was magnified ten fold.

I'm now just feeling really angry after triggering so much. I hate him so much for what he has done to me and my children and for turning me into an emotional wreck.

I'm going crickets from now on and I might even try and get a friend to come around on Sunday so that I'm not home when he drops the kids off.

StrongButBroken you're motto made me laugh out very loud! Very true indeed!! :)

hoya96 posted 10/2/2013 19:49 PM

Only respond to what REALLY needs to be responded to, don't respond before 12-24 hours unless it's an emergency (I call this "putting ex in a timeout"), and if your ex, like mine, sends multiple e-mails within a 1-2 day period, reply with NECESSARY information in ONE e-mail (even if he sent the requests in multiple e-mails).

If you can't tell, I have a lot of experience with this. Ex and OW contact me a LOT under the guise of it "being about the children". I am constantly walking the line of responding to what I feel I am legally responsible to communicate (they're litigious) and putting up very strong boundaries.

ChoosingHope posted 10/2/2013 20:14 PM

I'm working on a shared google calendar. Everything I can think of will go on this calendar, including athletic equipment, reminders, addresses of bday parties and sports events, etc.

It was incredibly hard at first because I wanted him to be informed about everything. I was so worried that he wouldn't get it right that I continued in my caretaker role well after I was sacked from that job. It is not my job to ensure he is a decent father. It is not my job to monitor what he knows or doesn't know. It is not my job to do his job for him.

I don't do this, even though I know I should. In the last week, I've bought several children's birthday gifts (for parties during his time w our children), reminded him about snacks for the entire baseball team, and even answered his stupid email about how many snacks to buy (even though he goes to many games and should be able to figure out how many children are on the team).

I just worry that he will screw up, and our children will suffer. I really struggle with this. My children are still pretty young.

tesla posted 10/2/2013 21:31 PM

I also use a google calendar and put appts with all pertinent info on it. He wants to know, he can look at the calendar.

I have, unfortunately, had to text him a lot more than normal lately...and it sucks. I hate dealing with the idiot because then suddenly he thinks he's pulling his weight.

Just text the facts. No explanations. Put his incoming text on silent...because any response he has probably isn't worth the interruption it makes in your life.

SBB posted 10/3/2013 14:01 PM

I just worry that he will screw up, and our children will suffer. I really struggle with this. My children are still pretty young.

My girls are 5.5 and 3 so I do understand this.

I think some of this is about control too. I have relinquished this control during his time with them. It wasn't easy but I needed to do it because it was keeping me in a caretaker role for him which I resolutely refuse to perform ever again.

I might feel differently if he only had them EOW but with 50/50 I'd have to contact him every day. No way.

Even if it was EOW me reminding him and running around making sure he didn't fuck up would be exhausting and crazy-making. At the end of the day I don't know how much it benefits the kids.

I spent way too many years killing myself to make him look like he wasn't a shit father - I told myself it was for them and some of it was but a lot of it was for me too. I won't be going back to that place anytime soon.

Ashland13 posted 10/3/2013 16:37 PM

One thing that helps me is to wait a period of time before replying. Also, I don't ever reply if I'm emotional...it always bites me. I swear the man has a vault somewhere of things I write and then pulls them out to use against me...this helps me to limit what I let him know.

And yes, he has the school's contact info for DD so he can just find things out himself.

I wonder if passing the phone number for your kid's school might be an idea? X really liked this because he didn't have to "bother" going through me to learn something. And he's on the doctor's records for the kids so he can just call there, too.

FWIW, it was really hard for me to adjust to this new way of non-interaction, too. I used to find myself telling him every little thing and often getting ignored, so now it's much better if DS tells him her stuff or he asks something. It makes me feel more independent and a little bit of pride as well.

Not easy.

And the terms they use, like "co parent" boggle me... Co, meaning "with" or "together"? Seriously?

ruinedandbroken posted 10/3/2013 19:21 PM

I only tell him stuff he needs to know and that only I know.
If he can get it himself (eg. phone call or meeting with the teacher, on the internet, etc.) then I leave him to sort out.


I don't ask him about it. I don't berate him. Nothing. I go to the source. I seek out information. I work it out myself.

^^This^^

It took me a LONG time to really go NC. Longer than I would have liked. But now I never, hardly ever, initiate contact with him. If I need help with the kids in any way, including financially, I don't ask him. I pretend, as much as it is possible, that he doesn't exist. When he contacts me I don't answer unless it really, really warrants an answer. Like, "Will you be home at five when I drop off the kids?" Or something like that. When I do answer him I use as little words as possible. Any pictures he sends, Happy birthday/mothers day, or anything like that gets no response.

Fuck him.

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