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Newest Member: sponger77 (61470)

User Topic: Harboring fantasies and other random thoughts
♀ 39987
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH and I are now legally separated and he has very obviously moved on with his life. I know we will not R and frankly it is in my best interest to not R with this man. However, I find myself daydreaming that he will find himself miserable and come crawling back to me in some shape or fashion. Does anybody else feel this way sometimes? I guess I am just having a hard time with him so coldly turning away from the 22 years we had together even though I know he's a sick POS.

My other thoughts I think are tied into this "fantasy". Last week he came to our DS tennis match and he walked up to me and told me I looked nice. Huh? Why pay me a compliment? Now I always make sure that if I know he is going to be at an event that I look good - I do not want to give him the satisfaction of thinking that I'm miserable without him. Truthfully I'm not and feel more relieved each day.
The other weird thing was right before we split we had hired a personal trainer to work out with both of us. He immediately cut me out of our cell phone plan and stuff so I figured the gym and trainer were gone too. He told me a week or so ago that he would keep paying for it if I used it. I reached out to the trainer and got something set up for me. He texted me the other day and told me he hoped I had a great work out with the trainer. Huh, again?
Why would he start being nice to me like this? What is up his sleeve?
Anyone else have situations like this?

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, and I think you know this, you need to go hardcore NC. Your last DD was so very recent. I was still walking around in a functioning haze of shock at that stage.

Anything he is doing is to assuage his own guilt. They all seem to do this - buttering you up so you'll play nice in the D.

Focus on working with your L to get what you are entitled to. Do it know whilst his guilt is still fresh - before he goes feral on you. They all do once they realise we're not going to roll over or play nice to keep the peace anymore.

Right now you are in the midst of the dreaded 'what ifs' - very, very common.

I spent a lot of time there and it was hell. I felt like I was spinning around in a washing machine not knowing which way was up.

Read and re-read NC / 180. These are both essential as you begin the long and painful process of detaching from him. Only with detachment will you find peace.

((Phoenix9572)) I remember the confusion well. I spent far too long wondering WTF he was doing, up to, thinking, feeling.. etc. Time to turn that energy into taking care of you, your needs, taking charge of your healing.

Please, don't get stuck in this place too long. It is crazy making.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6008 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with SBB. Anything "nice" he is doing or saying is not coming from a true place of caring for you. It's coming from a place of guilt. My XWH's favorite phrase during that time was "I'm just trying to be decent."


I had to remind him several times that we left the entire zip code of him treating me "decent" a long while back. A long, longgg while back. He didn't appreciate the reminder.

As others have said, this is crazy making stuff if you let it get to you. I know it feels good on the surface, but don't forget what it truly is underneath: just another type of manipulation. He is feeling guilty, which is not the same as true remorse. Remorse is regret over the way he made you feel. Guilt is regret over the way HE is now feeling. Any response or appreciation you show makes him feel better about himself. That's what he wants. Don't give it to him.

You can do it!

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords

Posts: 1857 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same sorts of fantasies for a long time, even for a few months after our divorce was final. It probably took me 10 months from Dday to stop hoping she would come groveling, even though the last couple of months were fantasizing about rejecting her and making her feel badly. Now I'm just happy that I don't have to ever see her, talk to her, email her or text her again. Still working on not thinking about her.

Posts: 2969 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had those fantasies too. Even after I knew I didn't want him back. I just wanted him to crawl back so I could reject him. I've finally moved past that and can say that I really don't care about that anymore.

The Gnat has also tried the "nice, generous guy" BS to alleviate some of his guilt too. I left for the summer and returned to fresh cut flowers in vases all over the house (he had already moved out, but was doing done baby proofing for me). I just rolled my eyes and never even mentioned them. I kept them for a couple of days for dd 's sake as she was excited about them. I then pitched them. As if some fresh flowers were going to make up for the fact that he destroyed our family and discarded us like trash.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1268 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
♂ 40606
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fantasies are fine in their proper place and time. In moderation, they don't do harm and tend to fade after a while. I enjoyed periodic sexual fantasies about XWW for a period of time after we split. I figured that was the least she could do for me.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 39987
Member # 39987
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate everyone's replies and yes I know his gestures are not really out of any concern for me - that was obvious based off the way he treated me before the separation. I work hard at NC but it seems like just about every day he is emailing me or texting me something. It is always finance or children stuff so they deserve responses but it is frustrating that I can't get a day without him popping up in my life.
This weekend is going to be hard for me. Tomorrow we would have traditionally spent at a local art show and enjoyed a picnic with wine and goodies. Saturday we were to use a gift certificate he bought me for our anniversary for a hot air balloon ride. On Sunday we were to leave for a trip to San Francisco and then to Napa Valley - one of our favorite places in the world.
Well the new girlfriend is going in my place on the trip this weekend. I was still smarting from that one but had finally gotten to an OK place (not great but was able to not be obsessing about it). Then tonight at 9PM he texts me to remind me about he hot air balloon ride certificate. Tells me that I should take the kids. He will even pay to have the extra person go out of his monies. It is a great time of year to go. WTF!!!????
Why is he thinking about me at 9PM at night and feel the need to text me about this??? It brought up so many confusing emotions that I really thought I had begun to move past. I really felt like I have taken about 5 steps backwards tonight.
I have not responded to him. I can't think of anything to say that will not be ugly and inappropriate. However if he is willing to pay for another person to go, I hate to pass up his generositiy.

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
Topic Posts: 7

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