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This really bothers me

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FeelingMN posted 10/2/2013 08:51 AM

My FWW and I both brought a child into our marriage and neither of us was married before. Her son has called me dad from the time he was 2.5, hes almost 17 now. His biological dad has been out of the picture up until about 3 yrs ago, around the time of FWW ONS at a class reunion. We're half the country away from her home state where the ONS happened and where loser dad(LD) lives.

He sent FWW an email asking for info about DS. Previously DS said he didn't really want anything to do with LD which to me that meant NC. We talked that part out and DS was ok to give LD info. I asked my FWW what she sent and she said just info on DS. I pressed her a little bit and asked her what else she said. She finally admitted that she ended the email with the question "How are you doing?" I was upset to hear this, but I also specifically asked her if she asked about his job, he has been paying child support regularly for the past few months and that is new. She said no. I saw the email, I know that she did ask and lied. She sent this email about a month ago.

I know they had a child together but he's out of the picture. I respect DS wishes to allow LD to know whats going on in his life. What is FWW hoping to get out of asking how he's doing, how's his new job. WTF does it matter to her? She said he just answered by saying he's fine. I only half believe her. This is really bothering me. I know there is absolutely no chance for another A but WTF?

strongerdaybyday posted 10/2/2013 09:04 AM

this would bother me too. my sister's mother in-law married a man that represented security, because the man she had a child with was an unreliable loser. She never truly stopped loving this man (but in their case, she would call him in the middle of the night and cry when her H would get mad). I'm NOT saying she only married you because you offered security and he didn't but, if the email was so innocent, why lie? IDK...maybe being cheated on makes you more skeptical. AND..maybe she's romanticizing what they had, even though in reality, what they had must've been shitty if she met and married someone else.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:05 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

confused615 posted 10/2/2013 09:10 AM

First,she shouldn't have lied. She is wrong.

I have a DS from my first marriage..he is a LD too..if he started sniffing around,wanting a relationship with my child,I would ask him questions too. Not because I was interested IN him, but more to find out where his head is in regard to the child. Is his sudden interest in being a dad based on a new girlfriend he is trying to impress? Or is he truly interested in being a dad. I would want to know his intentions. I'd want to know if he was a safe person for my child to have in their life. If she opens that door a crack,and give him a little bit of info on DS, what are the consequences for DS?

So..I can't fault her for asking questions. However, there's no reason to lie. If she was asking because she wanted to know his intentions,then I would think she would be honest with you about that. Because it's a perfectly reasonable thing to do. lie about it? Yeah...that shines a whole new light on what should be reasonable questions.

FeelingMN posted 10/2/2013 09:15 AM

I ask myself that too. Why lie? I told her that I think there's a boundary there that was crossed but I don't even know if that is true. He has a role in the A weekend during her reunion. He wasn't at the reunion but she tried contacting him when she was there. Never got a very good answer why then either. I know a lot about their relationship, I can't imagine there are many fond memories but I don't even think she'd tell me if there were. Still why lie? Because she knew it was crossing a boundary? She didn't agree that she did.

I have a similar situation with my DD. I really don't like her mom. I see her now and then when I have to. DD is in college, but I haven't asked her how she's doing in a decade but I just don't care. I wouldn't even get close to the how's your job going question.

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