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Newest Member: roadrunner04 (61465)

User Topic: A prisoner of my own mind...
♀ 40864
Member # 40864
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post and I'm so glad to have found a place like this to have someone to talk to. I'm going to try to condense our story as much as possible to give some background. On June 30 of this year I found an e-mail to my husband that was sexual in nature. I confronted him and found out that it was from my one of my only friends. I was told at first that it had only been going on 2 months and they had only slept together once. Then it changed to a year. Then it changed to 3 years. Off and on for 3 years they had been having an affair mostly through sexual e-mails. She had started an account just to contact my husband both on facebook and through e-mail. My husband kept his same accounts and I never checked because I trusted him. They had sex 8 times over the 3 years according to my husband. One time in our home. I was devastated, so hurt, shocked. I trusted so few people and to find out two of those people I trusted had done this to me was just unthinkable. I needed to get away and my husband agreed to let me take the kids and stay with my aunt to think things over. My husband wanted to reconcile. Wanted to do whatever it took he told me. I told him I couldn't live in the same house where it happened, didn't want to even live in the same town. While I was gone he packed all of our stuff and moved us to a town about 40 minutes away where he has worked the past 5 or 6 years. We started counseling, he started counseling while I was gone, I started counseling when I came back after about 3 weeks. He's been very understanding of my ups and downs, he's let me cry, let me be upset, let me go through all the wide range of emotions. My counselor told me I was having panic attacks and also talked about PTSD. I have certain triggers and then my chest gets tight and I have a hard time breathing, will get nauseated and dizzy, Hands will go numb and tingly and start to cramp up and be almost unmoveable in this claw like position. My husband has been there for me through it. Apologized, cried for having caused me this much pain. He honestly seems to want to change and I want to move forward from this but I still have these triggers. I've seen her picture a couple of times that facebook have friends have posted and it's set off an attack. Yesterday I just saw someone from behind and thought it was her and it just sent me into a panic. I fear that with our kids being in the same activities that inevitably I'm going to see her. I want to be fine and be able to see her and not have any issues but even now just the thought of having to see her my chest gets tight. I don't know what to do to control it. I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own mind. I stopped seeing the counselor because we felt like he really wasn't trying to fix anything and the whole time it was just us talking. We'd love to find someone else and we are still searching. Anyways, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to control my mind and my thoughts and how they effect me. I try prayer, try to do relaxing things, run. I hate that I have no control over it! I fear what will happen during sporting events if they are there and I have to see her every weekend. How does everyone deal with those feelings? How do you cope? I'm doing really well I believe except for these feelings that come up and this sense of panic.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2013
♂ 32240
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you've had a need to find SI but you have found a wonderful place for help.

I would suggest taking a look at the healing library, it's got a lot of useful information that you may find helpful.

It's been roughly 3months since your DDay so it is completely normal to have anxiety and the severe up and downs. That's normal, it's traumatic. Make sure you're taking car of yourself. Eating right, exercising as much as is possible. Are you in IC? That may be a good start, someone to get things off your chest. Talk to a Dr about what you're experiencing. There may be something he can give you to help with acute anxiety. Diazapam helped me initially with anxiety attacks.

I would also suggest looking for a new MC. They aren't all the same and finding a good one can be challenging.

Read and post here. You'll get all the support you could ask for from people who are going through the same thing. You're not alone.

Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 270 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
♀ 40864
Member # 40864
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply. It helps to know I'm not alone in my stuggles right now. It's so hard to have no one that I'm close to that I can talk to about this.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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