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Newest Member: DJC1978 (60705)

User Topic: why I never saw the "signs"
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Angry  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I not realize that something was wrong?

Why did I not think his meanness on vacation was odd?

Why was I not surprised when he ignored my birthday?

Because this was the normal!!!

What in hell was I thinking???

This was ok with me???

I am just feeling so very angry today. I feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest.

I don't do angry. Yup, that's right, never allowed it. It was unacceptable to me, reason, never inflict more pain on anyone, always show compassion!

This is where that has gotten me!

Just venting, getting out my anger here, now, while I feel it, trying to figure out what to do with it.

I have the right to feel this anger, but I do not want to be, holy crap, I was going to type, be like him.

I have seen the crushing mindless cruelty of unleashed irrational anger, that will never come from me. I refuse to do that.

I feel a little crazy today.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3267 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never do anger either
What nonsense
Anger is an absolutely appropriate emotional response to being betrayed.
But anger does not excuse abusive behaviour
Express your anger appropriately without resorting to bad behaviour and it will only do you good
Pretending you aren't angry or denying it is not good for you

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 33202
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post. One of the most difficult issues I have dealt with during R is being able to forgive myself. A lot of my anger since Dday has been toward myself. Self-forgiveness is on-going.

I became so acclimated to my WH's anger, porn addiction, neglect of me and the M over the years that I actually thought it was "normal" to be in that dysfunctional M.

Never again will I accept that load of baloney from someone who is supposed to care for me.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can and should unleash the beast. Don't keep pushing it down inside of you. It's great that you can write it down and share, but really just getting it all out on him if that's where it goes, is perfectly OK. It helps in the healing for you to finally voice what is inside. And frankly, he should hear it.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's right. That's me too. How could I tell that he was spending hours and hours having phone sex with MOW when he had spent YEARS not coming home from work? I was used to neglect! I thought that was normal, so imagine my SHOCK to find that he wasn't neglectful to everyone, just me (and kids).

Posts: 870 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written any of the posts describing feeling neglected and being used to it. I just thought it was part of the territory. I tried to talk about it early on and was ignored. I just took the neglect over and over again. Months turned into a year and before I knew it , another year had gone by. And another. And another. And that was before the affair started. I take responsibility for my share in the bad communication but you also can't get blood from a stone.

I'm dealing with it by realizing that if the A did not happen, and if I had not caught him in the act, my SAWH's real issues would not be getting addressed. And another affair would have probably happened. And this would have gone on and on forever or until I divorced him. I'm not HAPPY that the A happened, but at least I am trying to make some good come of it - for all of us (except OW - I don't give a shit about her - she's on her own).

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 40358
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get mad when I know I never realized anything was wrong, I get sad.
We trusted our spouses just like we should have.
I will never make that mistake again:(

Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 7

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