Second, you are not responsible for her affair.
The betrayal is completely on your WW.
Sadly, her behavior and the slow and agonizing revelations about the true nature of the relationship are too typical.
The pain is paralyzing. We have been there. You must focus on yourself. Drink water and eat when you can force something down.
Post here. There are so many who care and can offer wisdom and comfort.
Finally, I must say again, you are not responsible for the affair. There are limitless ways she could have constructively dealt with HER issues. Going outside the marriage was not acceptable.
Hugs to you
Read up on the healing library, it's the yellow box on the top left of the screen. Lots of good articles in there on getting through this.
Again. Sorry you are here. A thread you might want to check out is the betrayed Menz thread down in "I can relate" Good fellas in there.
All right here comes the nitty and gritty.
Cheaters are liars. Liars lie. You have been experiencing this first hand. Has she admitted anything to you that you haven't already discovered? First she tells you just a couple of calls, then it's two months, then it's 9 months.
9 months of emails, texts, phone calls. Do you really believe that this is all that happened? Doubtful.
Regardless, betrayal is betrayal whether an EA or a PA. It's the lying that is going to doom the relationship.
She says the A was deceitful and she fells horrible about it and wouldn't do it again but she keeps wanting to make sure it doesn't take away from what she was going through and her issues.
What issues and what was she going through?
I noticed that you "aired your issues at MC." Oh really? Don't do it man, don't take the fall for this shitty behavior. The marriage may not have been perfect...but it's pretty hard to have a good marriage when someone has been unfaithful to you for at least the past 9 months. But sure, the breakdown is your fault. Don't buy into this blameshifting bullshit.
See a lawyer. Figure out what your rights are. I'm not saying file for divorce, but you should find out what your rights are as a husband and a father are.
Stay strong. Eat, breathe.
He later told me that he pushed things as far as he thought he could because the A was like a drug. Little solace, I know. I would definitely contact an attorney and put the 180 into practice. Sorry your wife has invited this dirtbag into your life. Take care.
At this point that is what I am hoping for.
When I just found out, that was all I was hoping for as well. I thought if I could change, or be a better husband then she would see the errors of her ways. Hmmm, that didn't work. No matter how much you try to nice her back, it won't work.
Your trip to Hawaii is an example of this. There you are in an island paradise, you are trying to be prince charming. She couldn't/wouldn't see it, because you had to be the villain in her affair fantasy. Otherwise, what kind of person is she? I mean, really someone involved in an affair rarely admits that they are the bad person, instead they have to justify their actions. Either their spouse is an asshole or they share some sort of perfect love with the AP. It's all BS justification.
Until she goes NC (actual and mental) she isn't going to be able to commit to rebuilding the damage that SHE has done.
We have a lot invested at this point
You did. She didn't, she threw that all away.
Its difficult because of that "unknown" gmail account on her phone and the incognito setting on the internet explorer. Thanks again for helping.
I have never met anyone who didn't know the password to their email account on their phone.
Reconciliation requires honesty and transparency. Are you getting either of these? From what I have read, it sure doesn't sound like it.
And yes, my wife did have contact after I found out. Devastating.
with us, it wasn't the affair that nearly killed us. It was all the lying afterwards. That did as much damage as anything.
So let me get this straight. At MC today, the counselor finds out your wife has been lying to you and him about the affair. And the response from the counselor is for you to move past it? Fuck that shit.
How are you supposed to move past something, when you don't even know the truth about what your are supposed to be moving on from?
What do you know about the OM? Is he married.
When I found out about my wife's affair I called up her AP, then later I called up his wife.
Quickest way to end an affair is to expose it. Talking to the spouse (if there is one) is also a quick way to the truth. And FYI, I wouldn't be so quick to trust your wife's word on whether he is married or not, I would find out on your own.
Doesn't sound like your MC knows shit about infidelity. It's getting late here, but wanted to chime in and say you and your wife should read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass right away. I'd also start digging away - phone records, internet history, skype use, etc. I doubt that the relationship was purely text and voice - I hope I'm wrong, but I'd check for pics and vids.
Sorry you are here mate...WB is right - the Betrayed Men thread down in I Can Relate (part 14 at the moment) has great advice. There's someone there who has BTDT (been there, done that) for just about everything. One thing about affairs, they ain't unique.
First off, if you go see that MC again tomorrow, let him/her know that if he/she ever puts the blame on you for HER affair you will walk out immediately. You will hear one thing on site over and over and over again - the affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. Marriage issues are 50% but the affair is ALL HERS. Don't take blame for it!
Second, it is time to stand up and get angry. Without that you will continue to fall into her hands - the passive husband who will let his wife get away with anything "out of love." You cannot nice her back into your marriage and until you lay down the law you will never move forward.
Demand no contact. Period. It's not optional. Let her know, in no uncertain terms, that ANY contact will result in an immediate divorce - and you'll take the kids, too. Make it clear that the affair stops - immediately.
Don't take her word that he's not married. Find out. She may well be covering for him. Look him up on Facebook and see if he is or isn't. If he is, find and contact his wife immediately.
You want to find out if they're still in contact? Tomorrow morning, before she gets up, grab her phone and put her computer in your car. Wake her up and tell her that you want her email passwords (or any other password you want). If she doesn't give it to you then you have the answer - and keep her phone and computer.
Stop being nice. Start demanding transparency and remorse. If she can't give it to you then that tells you exactly where she is at.
If you don't get tough then expect several months of trickle truth. You will discover more and more "truths" - including, unfortunately, their sexual meetings - and each revelation will tear you up fresh.
Stand strong. Take care of yourself. Know that others have gone through this (many, including me, have survived and reconciled).
I am wishing you the best...
First off, your marriage counselor is a hack and needs to be fired. If you take their advice, sweep this under the rug and trust that your wife is REALLYREALYREEEEAAALLLLLLLLYYYYY sorry and won't do it again, you'll be back here with us in a few months or years when she does it again. She has a ton of hard work to do in order to be a safe partner for you and to have a counselor indirectly validate her behavior (and pretending that an affair is a symptom of the marriage rather than a symptom of your wife being fucked up in the head is absolutely validation of her choices) and lay some of the blame on you all but guarantees the failure of your reconciliation.
Second, I see you trying to take responsibility for your wife's affair. I think we all did that at first. It's part of the bargaining stage of grief, where if maybe we were better, she wouldn't have sought comfort with another man. That's bullshit. I'm sure you weren't, aren't and never will be perfect. She probably isn't either. You didn't cheat and you absolutely did not cause her to do it either. When I found out about my wife's affair, I tried incredibly hard to fix every flaw in myself that she cited as a reason why she was driven to cheat. None of that worked. She didn't cheat because I wasn't good enough. She cheated because she was really screwed up for a variety of reasons. With time, you'll come to understand this in your situation too but for now, please trust me when I tell you that you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't fix it. All of that is on her, 100%.
Lastly, and I hate to say this, be prepared for this to be the tip of the iceberg and be ready for her to give you the truth in little bits and pieces, trying to see how little she can give you in order to protect herself. Be ready for the possibility of physical contact during this affair. Be ready for the possibility of the revelation of others. Be ready for more pain than you can possibly imagine, even at this point.
Reconciliation is possible. In my case, it wasn't in the cards and although I desperately wanted it at first, with a little time and distance I am glad things worked out this way. If you end up in my shoes, please trust that it isn't the end of the world. That said, it is possible for people to change. It is possible for your wife to turn into a better person. It's going to require a ton of work by her and a metric shitload of endurance from both of you.
Please take care of yourself and feel free to join us in the Betrayed Men thread in the I Can Relate forum below.
egardless, betrayal is betrayal whether an EA or a PA. It's the lying that is going to doom the relationship.
This literally took my breath away and gave me instant anxiety. So weird for that extreme reaction on an otherwise really good day. I'd say that statement struck a major cord with me :(
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic
She doesn't want to lose her marriage even is she thinks her affair was justified. So she examines your mood , reactions and desire to reconcile. From this she reasons she doesn't have to give up her affair, she can have her marriage and the OM too. This is based on your desperate need to win her back, forgive and keep your family intact.
Her justification is her resentment; followed by her desire to have the best of both worlds. She figures when its all over she'll just reconcile and like a eager puppy you will admit to all your past sins, and she'll say sorry about the affair, but lets rebuild as long as you put this all behind us and seldom refer to her betrayal.
You have to be prepared to lose it all to win and your attitude will lead to your WW manipulating the situation to her own advantage, with little remorse or guilt.
Have you thought about the possibility that your wife's affair started before she threatened to end the marriage? That it wasn't that you were not being supportive; she was eager to start the relationship with the desirable
OM and created the resentment as justification for screwing around. I call them artificial resentments; created to justify the exciting affair.
Every time I hear WW say its over between her and the OM, my gut tells me otherwise.
The heart lies while the brain tries to talk us in or out of things to avoid pain, but the gut is always accurate, at least in my own personal experience. In the midst of my WW's A's she used to tell me I was just paranoid. My heart loved her so my brain would think up reasons to agree with her, but my gut always churned whenever she was around.
the MC kept telling me to let go of the past and focus on what my goal is; to repair our marriage. I'm thinking WTH!!!
We can't let go of the past until we know for sure what happened in the past. How do we forgive someone when we don't know what we're forgiving? My WW has a theory that if we don't talk about it, either what she did will be forgotten by me or it never happened at all. She would be dead wrong.
She was unhappy because she had to convince herself that she was unhappy. She had to make the fact that she was cheating on me OK. She had to dehumanize me and it somehow had to be my fault.
I suspect that the same is true in your case.