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Revenge Affair

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drich3569 posted 10/2/2013 13:36 PM

Is there anyone out there who has survived both spouses cheating and both being caught?

AFrayedKnot posted 10/2/2013 14:00 PM

There are quite a few madhatters here on this site. There is a thread in I Can Relate specifically for madhatters.

Madhatter- means that each spouse wears both WS and BS hats.

rachelc posted 10/2/2013 14:08 PM

survived? Well, I guess we're both still alive. This is very difficult to recover from. I wouldn't recommend it.

Also, I confessed and he got caught. not sure if there's anyone on here where both spouses were caught?

crazyblindsided posted 10/2/2013 14:29 PM

Yeah I'm with rachelc we are surviving the best we can.

I also confessed and my WH was caught every time.

I'm the one who had the revenge affair. My WH is a serial cheater.

Razor posted 10/2/2013 14:42 PM

This topic comes up here every once in a while.

To skip to the gist of this. Dont do it.

I COMPLETELY get the temptation of a revenge affair. I think pretty much all BSs do. Our WS had their little vacation. Their fun. And now the fun ended and with a few tears and promises to never do it again many get to reclaim their lives. They have little financial or physical consequences. And never will truly know the pain they caused.

Whether ALL WS have internal consequences is debatable. Whether or not they actually FEEL remorse and HAVE empathy for the pain they caused and if they are really fighting their internal demons we will never really know. All their remorse could end up being another lie told so that they will not loose the secure life they put at risk by their behavior.

Some. Maybe most WS DO have these internal consequences. Certainly those on SI do. But considering the disparity between the number of BS enrolled here vs the number of WS enrolled here this leads me to think that there are at least SOME WS that are just putting on a show.

But that doesnt really matter. Whether or not our WS feels remorse is their issue. Its the feeling of unfairness that drives thoughts of a revenge affair.

BUT! If the choice of our WS to have a affair has nothing to do with us. THEN the choice to have a affair as retaliation has nothing to do with our WS. The choice to have a affair is completely within you. Anything external you point to as cause including your WS affair is simply a justification for what you want to do any way.

Having a revenge affair will not even the scales. I dont believe it will make you feel better.

Personally I choose to live a good life and not bring the chaos of revenge into it. When I leave this life I want to be able to say that to the best of my ability I lived a ethical life. That yes I did stumble here and there. I wasnt even close to a good husband at times. I could have been a better father also. But I tried to be as good a person. husband. and father as I possibly could. And that I never did deliberately consciously set out to hurt any other person.

So what kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be?

MoreWould posted 10/2/2013 14:52 PM


I don't know your story, but is your question about the sitch you already find yourself in? That is, you both cheated, and you both got caught? If so, that calls for a different answer than if you're thinking about an RA.

In our case, my WW cheated and got caught. After a couple of years of her constant urging, I had a ONS and confessed the next day. Not exactly the same as your question, but we survived.

We all know an A is bad for a marriage. Getting caught is worse than confessing. The more outsiders know about it before the spouse finds out, the worse. It goes on and on. There are levels to the devastation.

But, you will find couples down in the Madhatter's threat that survived. We did, and even though I will carry a few demons to my grave, I'm glad.

drich3569 posted 10/2/2013 17:24 PM

Thanks to everyone who responded.

My story is...

I was the cheating spouse and had an affair with a co-worker 2 and a half years ago. I became someone that I hated, did something i never ever thought I would. My husband found out about the affair and we tried to save the marriage.. we had issues that needed to be addressed. Husband never could get over it and entered into his own four month affair with a co-worker of his. I caught him about 10 months ago and things have gone from bad to worse!!
One affair is hard enough to get over but now we have all of this to deal with.. I don't know if we should just throw in the towel or if there is any possibility of us both getting over this.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

rachelc posted 10/2/2013 17:29 PM

drich - please consider joining the madhatter thread in ICR. There are people there who have been through this who can help.
Are you in MC or IC?

Would your spouse consider joining SI as well?

Vulcanized posted 10/2/2013 18:06 PM

MH here. I had RA, XH still doesn't know.

I guess that if XH knew, he'd say my RA was a dealbreaker. Just speculating.

As others who've been down that road have said, don't. It's an even bigger pile of dog shit, whether or not you R. Just my $.02.

MoreWould posted 10/2/2013 19:09 PM


Do you WANT to get over this? Or, is it a dealbreaker for one or both of you?

Every time I see somebody on SI with a stich that I think I could never get over, I find somebody else that survived worse. I survived a very unremorseful, emotionally detached WW that rugswept like crazy.

Anything is possible. But some possible things are best avoided. Only you know, deep in your heart, what is possible for you. Dig deep.

Dreamland posted 10/3/2013 00:50 AM

I had the opportunity coincidentally my high school BF shows up in the middle of the A and my ordeal. He's an attorney and was helping me with some problems.
First of all .. NO.. I could never do that to myself. Yes I liked the attention and I had really low esteem. But I could not live with myself. I deserve the best and to be the only woman in any mans life.
Second I could do that to a fellow sister. He is married and get this he had cheated on me in college with his wife then GF. But I hold no grudge against her. I actually thank her later as I am glad it broke off. We were not compatible.
So I would never want to be the cause of any wife's pain.
So no. I do say hmm that man is so hot. I wonder but I nope not for me. I don't want to say never. Because my WH said he would never. In fact I had him promise me when we married and told him how I would never accept it.
Ugh so no. I want to be a better person for me.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 12:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

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