The thing that keeps me from being happy about this is that is how he feels now. There is no way I can re-create the excitement he felt during the A. We had those "I can't wait to see you" feelings when we just started dating but the very nature of an A adds a whole new level of excitement.
I guess what I'm asking is, how do I know he won't get bored??? I know there are things we can do to keep the excitement in our relationship but how do I compete with that kind of excitement???
* using voice to text so there are probably a lot of typos!
I would hope if my WS ever feels "bored" he would come to me about it. If he chooses to find someone else then that's his choice and he's out the door!
Those feelings of excitement will never last. It's like drugs, you only get the "high" for a short time and then you need more.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
If you are both focusing your time and energy on your relationship, then it will all be good. The problem arose when your H turned his attention outside the relationship and on to another person, right?. Windows and walls, per "Not Just Friends" Great read, if you haven't done so.
Your feelings are completely normal and most of us have had them. Your H gave a good answer, btw! Hope that helped you.
You are right of course. It's just very hard not to worry.
I think he gave a good answer too.
The ap is always inferior to the BS. No matter how attractive or accomplished or wealthy or saintly (well, outside the A) the ap appears to be, the A is based on lies and betrayal, and no betrayer can compete with a BS.
Don't get me wrong - I'm in R. I've been helped tremendously by former WSes here. aps can find and strengthen their humanity and retake their places as full-fledged human beings.
But aps always give up important parts of their humanity until they become remorseful. Cheaters always Affair down.
Yes, your WS may have cheated with a younger version of you, someone who never had a baby, has a degree and a management job, etc. If she knew your H was M, you're better than her.
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:48 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
My H had a totally typical affair, and he said that the good feeling to bad feeling ratio was about 9:1, bad to good. Maybe your WS would be willing to talk about the experience as they experienced it. Wait until he/she is defogged, though!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
Today was just a day full of mind movies. Needing to know details to process makes it very hard.
[This message edited by AML04 at 7:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]
That even with the secret, the "high", anticipation, all of it, there was always guilt, fear, thinking "what am I doing?", among other things. So it wasn't all fun and games, it was a shameful game, that had to be constantly justified. Unfortunately, one he became addicted too.
That said, the reality for him is that being home, truly remorseful, in a real relationship, that is built on truth and real love, no matter how difficult right now, is what he loves. And nothing can compete with that, most especially a lie based fantasy with another liar. He still has trouble with how f-ed up the whole thing was (as do I).
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Fourever-that definitely gives me hope :)
Sadly, he wasn't able to end it and needed me to catch him and do it. He even often had thoughts of wishing he would get cancer so he would be able to stop and not ever tell me his shame. Sad.
Unfortunately, that is probably a common thread in many people who slid down this slope.
Give it time, it sucks, but it does get better for those wh/ww who are truly remorseful and have learned a frightening, but sober lesson about themselves. Keep working together.
My WH seems frustrated that he can't get that same "high" with me anymore, now that he's experienced it with the added dopamine of the A.
He wants to R and knows that we have a lot to save... but he can't seem to get past that. He does have an easily "addicted" personality and has always been a thrill seeker (skydiving, bungee jumping, race car driving, you name it). I always thought he had found better ways of finding that needed "excitement" (until he found this one... sigh...)
According to my H it was the excitement of 'new sex' that was the draw and because he saw her when he went out of the country that enticement lasted longer than it would have if she lived nearby. Eventually that wore off and she had nothing else to offer that could compete with me - a thinking, self motivated intelligent woman who bore his three children, lived through 35 years supporting him since he was a 22 year old just starting out with nothing, a woman who believed in his dreams and encouraged him to go for it and worked to help him achieve them...a woman who went to work when the kids got older to help out financially so he wouldn't bear the burdens alone....a woman who was gracious and loving enough to let him stay after he had betrayed her in the worst possible way.....
OW couldn't come close to competing with me.....and I'm here with my H and family and she's alone in some bar somewhere looking for the next piece of meat.....
Stillstanding-My H isn't necessarily a thrill-seeker but he does have a little bit of an additive personality too. Hopefully your H realizes that the "high" he got from the A wasn't healthy :(
Alex-I wish there was a hands clapping smiley!!
Don't misunderstand, he also never gave a thought to what the cost would be if he got caught. Not to me, not the children, nothing. He is a master compartmentalizer, and was sure he'd never get caught.
Also, I have the same thoughts you have....
[This message edited by topperoff22 at 9:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]